NICARAGUA!!!

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It has been long in the waiting and was hit hard by the economic downturn but the latest volume of "How not to Travel" has just been released, produced and distributed by the Wonder Boy Phil Panchenko. So remarkable is this fact that it has just made CNN breaking news only moments ago.

1. Do not get ill in San Juan Del Sur, a small city near the beach, because you will inevitably get a shot up the bum of penacilin and two pills, one of which is banned in 30 other countries worlwide, and the other is the most powerful anti-biotic known to mankind.

2. Do not get ill in San Juan Del Sur, because it is possible that the doctor willl turn out only to be working part-time, his real job is a barber.

3. Do, however, buy a monkey shake , which consists, I think, of chocolate and banana icecream, I think it is unlikely that monkeys actually drink these shakes, but anything is possible in Nicaragua.

4. Do buy a bag of mangos for a dollar and eat so many you turn orange.

5. Do not get whip-lashed by super strong winds along the beach as it will feel like sand paper across your skin.

6. Do, however, say hello to a small girl at your guest house who spends her time in a large black bucket. Why does a baby need a cot, when they have a perfectly good black dustbin. If only I had spent my days as a child in a black bin, the memories I would have had.

7. Do do a cannonball in the swimming pool at Hostel Oasis in Granada and soak 6 other guests, they will be very pleased.

8. Do go on a tour to the lake in a van with 12 other guests and blast out the best 70s classic tunes known to mankind, they will include, Macho Man, YMCA, Rivers of Babylon and many more classicos.

9. Do not, however, get you Spanish phasebook and notepad stolen by a 6 year old child on the most celebrated day of the year in Matagalpa.

10. Do take a guide on a 6 hour hike and swim through the hills and mountains. You will be told that a boat will carry your valuables. This will inevitably turn out to be a childs inflatable rubber dingy that the guide keeps in his rucksack and blows up with his mouth. You will also be told that the water is warm, yet it will most likely be bone chilling cold. You will also be told that you will have sandwiches, chocolate and crisps, a welcoming present after a hard days trek and swim, yet the closet you will come to a free meal is chocking on the water as you swim.

This is written by a untrained unprofessional with no previous writting or spelling or grammer skills, any professional or even semi-professional writers or travellers should not attempt to learn from this. Till next time friends and foes. El Salvador awaits!!

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