Not at the time, of course. I want to die then. Swimming (or rather drowning) in lonliness, alienation, confusion, mourning, fear, and a general ‘what the fuck am I doing with my life’. Ah, but after it passes, I can sure see the beauty in it. Once I realize I am, in fact, standing, and that I can, possibly, survive another day here, I become proud of myself….feeling stronger and accomplished. It's a pride that can't simply can't be earned without a kind of sacrifice. Many of my friends have visited other countries, but I don’t know a lot of you [View Full Entry]

---

---

Last Sunday, Wietse, Olympia and I took a hike up a mountain for a picnic. This sounded pleasant in theory, as it was only to take 2 or 3 hours and the Sainte Victoire is rather famous - immortalized by Cezanne and many others. Somehow Wietse got our trails mixed up though and we ended up taking the most difficult route that the guidebook states is ‘only for experienced hikers.’ That we are not. So we stumbled, slid, grasped at sliding rocks, fell, bled, and at some points just stopped and scratched our heads to figure out how the hell we [View Full Entry]

---

---

of my room, anyway. taken with computer. once i get enough balls/privacy, i'll take some of the rest of the house and outside. as you may or may not be able to see, i have a round room. it's on the 3rd floor and i have a beautiful view. [View Full Entry]

---

---

It’s unexpectedly fulfilling to do this work. Doing the dishes, laundry, cooking, seeing to it that the girls are cleaning themselves properly and brushing their teeth, tucking them in, reading aloud before bed, teaching and learning with them, etc…it’s all stuff that ‘anyone’ can do and I feel like (or maybe family/friends feel) I should be doing something of a higher level. Of course this is only temporary and a bridge to where I want to be, which is fluently speaking and working full-time here. It’s just funny that I love doing this - ‘this’ [View Full Entry]

---

---

Wietse’s assertion has proved correct for the fourth day in a row. Well, that’s not entirely true; I saw 2 clouds yesterday that were about an inch (or a few miles, depending on your proximity) long, in an otherwise sunny blue sky. My calves ache immensely from walking so much on the small hills. I’ve lost like 80 pounds due to a combination of that and polite eating habits. While most people assume this is always a good thing, I’m not so sure. My hipbones stick out so much that they bruise easily and that’s not a desirable feeling. One of [View Full Entry]

---

---

Woke after a night of deep sleep and strange dreams, mostly fears of making mistakes and not being with Clint. Gawd I wish my subconscious could be a little more creative sometimes. Ate a teeny breakfast of cereal and then escorted the littlest one to dance class because today is Wednesday and they don’t have school. She doesn’t speak English (she is 7, after all) but I can speak enough French to communicate. I think she will be my best teacher; she speaks the simplest sentences (pointing, ‘Ici est la maison de ma copine’) which I can grasp perfectly. While [View Full Entry]

---

---

The girls are absolutely adorable! The youngest (Apolonia) is giggly and loves to hug my thigh already, the middle one (Olympia) has shown me every single art project she’s ever done; she is actually quite talented, and the oldest (Esterelle) is whipsmart and thirsty for more knowledge. They are all beautiful, especially Esterelle. Wietse, the father, reminds me of a Herron professor or an interviewee on Helvetica . He’s fit and has clear-frame glasses with gentle wrinkles, graying hair, and toasty skin exactly the color it should be after living here for 10 years. He wore a [View Full Entry]

---

---

Charles de Gaulle is different than I remember. There are gerbil tunnel-like tubes with moving sidewalks, but the funny thing is, they’re at like 30 degree angles so you have to dramatically lean forward just to keep from falling down. It is funny to be in one and see 5 or 6 others nearby going in different directions. When I went to pee there (my number one hobby), I scowled at the first picture I would have taken if I’d had a camera: a trash in the stall for personal lady products that had a large warning to NOT throw away [View Full Entry]

---

---

here i go! i don't feel like this is real yet - it's a familiar feeling of holding my breath and jumping into a strange unknown headfirst. i've talked about it for months but that doesn't make it real, it only makes the idea audible or written on a flat computer screen. anything can happen, a fact that simultaneously thrills and scares the shit outta me. see you in paris... [View Full Entry]

---

---