Me Love Me Long Time

Same-same but different
We put a great divide between north and south Vietnam that exchanges anagrams from Hanoi to Hoi An. Like many countries, there's a disparity between the two poles that smiles more brightly on the south - the weather and the people feel instantly warmer.

Really old skool - Hoi An
Hoi An is an historical old town steeped in centuries of Vietnamese culture. The streets are decorated with antiquated houses and ornate temples that lead to a picturesque riverside market. At night, the water reflects glowing lanterns from rows of traditional handicraft stalls that line the banks. It's an ideal place to sip 20p draught beers and watch a world gone by go by.

The town is renowned for its cut price tailors that can make to measure a bespoke wardrobe for the price of a pair of cufflinks. Think, Reef's shirts:) And, it's also special for first news of a baby named Scarlet Coco being born. Flo's sister Cassie is a mum. Yay!

We're lifted by good news as we walk around dragon crested buildings, eat incredible cuisine exclusive to the area and gamble on high rolling waves that break close to the shore of our first Vietnam beach - our one-month winter is officially over:)

You've changed - Nha Trang
With the taste of salt water still in our mouths, we head straight for Nha Trang's beaches. The place has a reputation for a beautiful beach and a bohemian way of life that includes boat tours spiced with 'local herbs'.

But, a flashpacker freeway has bulldozed the backpacker trail and the place now resembles a package tourist resort - while the owner of the infamous tours has been removed by a communist government literally 'green' with envy. The authorities got Weiser to the Bud and replaced it with beer - leaving it more like the Costa del Sellout complete with drunk gap year students.

We ignore the booze cruise for a day pampering at the natural spa, which features terraces of glorious mud baths, hydro powered jets and hot mineral pools engraved into a hillside. I'm scrubbed so clean, I squeak when I walk!

Later, we climb a sacred hill to see a brilliant white statue of Buddha - I like Buddha, especially the smiling incarnation, he's the only God who looks like he knows how to party!

Appocalypse Now? - Saigon
Although we've found that the true Vietnam lies outside of cities, we take an overnight sleeper to Ho Chi Minh City aka. Saigon. This invloves a bus with bunks of narrow beds that only recline far enough to ensure that everyone lies on their back...snoring! "I can't get no sleep".

Saigon is said to be even more of a clusterfuck than Hanoi. But, we're better prepared than boy scouts this time and it soon becomes our favourite Vietnamese city - score another to the south.

I have an Appocalypse Now moment waking up sweating in a windowless room to the sounds of the fan's whirling blades above me...it feels like being back in 'Nam.

We organise our Cambodian visas to escape petty extortion at the border and then are almost reduced to tears by the attrocities on show at the War Remnants Museum. The damage caused by American chemical warfare is nauseating - how could a country that prides itself on democracy decide it had the right to decide a foreign country's politics? Has anything changed...yet?

To settle our souls we have a smacky-slappy massage by blind dudes at an eyesight hospital. Then we sample the exciting nightlife - and my plan to not party with anything I would mind losing (except for Flo) works:)

Love boat - Can Tho
We leave the city for a place called Can Tho that rests on the Mekong delta. I spend most of the bus ride being entertained by a ten-year old...who it turns out is actually only after a cigarette - to smoke while he plays marbles!?

On Valentines Day, we take a boat built for two down the Mekong River - expertly rowed by a women who must be at least 104 years old. We drift through a floating market on the mainstream before going off piste through backwaters that look like they lead to Colonel Kurtz's camp.

In the afternoon, we leave for Rha Gia and arrive to the sight of scores of children flying kites on the lawns - a missed Kodak moment. The port town is where ferries leave for Phu Quoc island - a promised tropical paradise where I am whisking Flo away for her birthday. Hey, I put the man in romance:)

Yo shorty! It's your birthday - Phu Quoc
Phu Quoc is as beautiful as hoped and comes with the fairest of all Vietnam's beaches - although there is a litter problem on the main beach that needs clearing if the five-star hotels being built here are going to be filled.

My stock is rising with the whole 'fantasy island' plan but I'm still sweating on a present when I almost stumble on a surprise birthday treat - a day sailing and snokelling around the islands. I try explaining to the hotel manageress that it's a secret date but she's convinced I am engineering some sort of adulterous behaviour. Nontheless, there are smiles from both women involved the next morning.

The boat passes through a floating village onto a series of increasingly beautiful beaches. We fish (unsuccessfully) and snorkel (successfully). Eat a seafood meal on board. I break a light trying to dive from the top deck. And feel embarrassed.

And then we're taken to Bai Sao beach - a small stretch of powdery white sand and transluscent water that is a serious contender for the 'Best Beach' award. Cocktails at sunset followed by a romantic meal in an exotic garden and my birthday work here is done - she love me long time:)

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