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Once or twice a year our school organises trips for our students, usually to some out of the way tourist resort or theme park. Our last trip was to Suoi Tien park near Ho Chi Minh City where I became an impromptu, kindergarten carer to 150 kids ranging in age from 7-16; which is NOT my idea of a fun day out! However, this trip was solely for our adult students and our destination was to be a spotless and virtually untouched beach near the small village of Thuy Tien which is just outside the grotty and heavily touristed town of Vung Tau.

The excursions are organised around Christmas, due to the fact that by this time of year, the monsoon is usually over. The only downside to these trips are the early rises. Despite my futile attempts to legally ban early starts, I always seem to miraculously get up and perform several 'daybreak miracles' such as putting my sandals on the right feet, brushing my teeth instead of my chin and pouring the requisite cup of tea in my mouth instead of in my ear. I've never been a good morning person and even though I usually drag my weary carcass out of bed between 7-8am, I never really get going until around midday. Of course, on the day of the trip, my boss Kevin who is a very enthusiastic chappy, loves nothing more than calling us all at some ungodly hour to make sure that we are up and ready to go and then proceeds to wake us all up properly, once we are on the bus, with his loudhailer! I sometimes wonder where he gets his energy from. I wish he would give me some!

We eventually got away around 6.45am, but didn't make it very far. After only 10km the bus decided that it didn't fancy a day out at the beach and broke down. Two new batteries later and we were on our way, but by the time we got to Thuy Tien they had been discharged again! Alternator problems me thinks! Just after our arrival, the driver had to move the bus, so, some of our more enthusiastic students decided to try and bump start it! Despite pleas for help, there was no way I was going to put my back out by attempting to push 10 tons of vehicle up a gradual, yet backbreaking incline!

Happily, the day rest of the day went without a hitch and was well organised with plenty of fun games and activities for the students to partake in. The teachers took turns overseeing the games while the rest of us watched for sneaky going ons and cheating. After this the students went for a swim before having lunch and then took a short nap before the afternoon activities commenced.

I don't go near the water because I swim like a brick, but that didn't stop the students from grabbing me and throwing me into the briny surf. My camera and mobile phone were surreptitiously removed from my person and it was only when it was too late that I realised what they were up to. Needless to say, I'm proud to declare that it took eight of them to drag me into the sea after putting up a one hell of a fight and trying to wrestle my way out of a situation that would of made Hulk Hogan proud.

It goes without saying that I took my revenge on some of the students, especially the lovely laydees who just happened to find my unfortunate dunking a source of immense mirth and humour. By 11.30am, most of us were soaked and we retired to a 'beer free' (Is nothing sacred?) lunch of rice, soup and green vegetables. While everyone disappeared back to the beach hammocks for a snooze, I went in search of beer. Finally, I came across a little beach shack which only had 333, but beggars can't be choosers and what would a warm, balmy afternoon by a beautiful, sandy beach be without a few glasses of the amber nectar anyway?

The afternoon frivolities subsequently resumed, but by 3pm and we had all had enough. My feet had been burnt to a crisp and I could just not get the sand out of my ears! The driver had somehow got the bus repaired and we headed back to Long Thanh, via a Buddhist temple where we gorged on bun rieu and chatted merrily about our eventful day.

I enjoy blogging because it not only gives me the chance to keep in touch with those who are nearest and dearest to me, but also gives me the opportunity to have a good, ol' fashioned rant. I consider myself so lucky to be living here. Reading various, select blogs on Vietnam, here on TravelBlog, I often wonder if a small minority of my fellow bloggers really are blogging about the same country as the one I reside in. Of course, everyone is entitled to their opinion and it stands to reason that people are going to experience things in different ways, however, I've read some really depressing and negative blogs about this wonderful nation and I can't help but come to the conclusion that some of the bloggers in question are no doubt, partially to blame for some of their more unfortunate experiences. So, now I am going to attempt to redress the balance in my own, special, no holds barred way.......

Vietnam does have a petty theft problem, that I will freely acknowledge. But if you compare this to the rapid, social and moral collapse, frequent and unprovoked violence and near anarchy that exists in countries such as the U.K then Vietnam is a paradise in comparison. While trying not to sound like a hand wringing, mentally unstable liberal who rabidly advocates the pernicious cancer of political correctness, I believe that there is a reason as to why tourists and travellers become targets. Every time I travel in to HCMC, I am astounded by the arrogance of some foreigners that come here. Many often lord over the fact that they are wealthy and well to do, some shoving their expensive DSLRs in people's faces, while others act like the archetypal iSheep who roams around with their iMacs, iPads, iPods and iPhones in full view and then you have the 'Loadsamoney' crew (sorry, you need to be British to understand this one) who throw money around like confetti. It seems that for many, travelling etiquette has indeed, gone completely out of the window and yet these twits wonder why their possessions get pinched or that they are treated with such contempt by the locals, by, as an example, being overcharged for goods and services, especially when they unceremoniously shove their wealth in the faces of many of who have very little themselves. Whatever happened to the expression 'When in Rome'?

I've been to 28 different countries and (with the exception of a small camera that I had pinched while asleep on a beach in Israel) I have never to this day had anything, taken, stolen or removed from my person. In fact the only time I became 'a victim' was when my house in England was burgled by a immigrant drug addict who ransacked my living room for booty and was just about to leave when my ex-wife inadvertently came home and caught him in the act. Despite the fact he was later caught, he got off scott free and I clearly remember having to listen to and digest the warped and perverted idea that the criminal was in fact the victim and that I should bear some of the responsibility because a hedge obscured my bathroom window therefore making it more tempting for the 'poor' miscreant to break into my house. You really couldn't make this stuff up!

In contrast, to namby pamby policing and a virtually non existent justice system, here in Vietnam, criminals are rightly treated with an iron fist and are locked away in hellholes that make them think twice about committing any further offences. Punishments are harsh and Vietnam is still one of the few, forward thinking countries that retains the death penalty and uses it sparingly for serious crimes. I sometimes wonder how western countries, which are quickly disappearing into a morally vacuous void and also seem to be rapidly regressing back to the dark ages both socially and politically, have the gall to dictate to and look down their noses at progressive countries such as Vietnam!

Recently, I found an article on the 'UK in Vietnam' website which questions Vietnam's stance on Human Rights. Hypocrisy runs deep within the British Government that runs a country which puts the rights of its own political elite, the bone idle, criminals, whether they are foreign or home bred and economic asylum seekers before the rights of its own law abiding, tax paying, indigenous population. Many of our elderly, including World War 2 veterans are often left to freeze to death in their homes or to languish in care homes and hospitals while the diktats of multiculturalism and diversity ensure that immigrants and refugees want for nothing. I often have long and protracted conversations with my wonderful Vietnamese wife and frequently create lesson plans for my more advanced students about this depression situation that exists in the West and each time they are struck with incredulity and are left dumbfounded as to how a government could possibly treat its own nationals so badly.

Anyway, that will do for today.......rant over............

In my humility, I feel that must be doing something right on my travels. So, here is a short, Cockle travel advisory.

1. Never leave anything in your hotel room you are not prepared to part with. This includes electrical goods, money, travellers checks, jewellery and even high value clothing. Also, use hotel safes only as a last resort and make sure that you obtain a written receipt for anything that you do deposit.

2. Keep bags where you can see them. While out and about, keep handbags or small backpacks with high value items in them in front of you, especially in crowded areas. When getting in and out of taxis keep your valuables to hand at all times.

3. Don't keep money or cards in pockets or bags. Use a quality bum bag and wear it underneath your clothing. If you need to retrieve anything from it then do so out of sight. Also remember to keep your money and cards in separate places just in case you should lose one or the other. I remember one of my first nights in India where I went out on the lash, came home and crashed out on the bed. I woke in the morning to find that my bum bag had vanished from around my waist that left me with a rather uncomfortable sensation in my stomach which was on par with what I can only term as, the feeling of an uncontrollable sphincter collapse. I had inadvertently put all my eggs in one basket and that taught me this one, vitally important travel lesson. Fortunately, I had unconsciously taken it off and put it under my pillow which is what I always do when I sleep in hotels or hostels.

4. When travelling, take two cameras with you. If you have a DSLR then take a quality snappy camera as well. The snappy can be used in town centres and built up areas where bag/camera snatchers tend to frequent and the DSLR can be kept for tourist attractions or places that are not likely to be frequented by the bad guys.

5. Try not to make gratuitous displays of wealth. Despite the fact that the 21st century has brought with it a penchant for self obsession and narcissism, the wealthier you are perceived to be, the more of a target you will become. While travelling always make sure that you have enough small currency to hand so that you don't have to pull out high value notes.

6. Try to dress down and blend in with the locals. While baggy, Indian style, I've just crapped myself, MC Hammer trousers, dodgy t-shirts and a thousand 'Om' necklaces may look ....err.... 'different', they scream 'tourist' and you will attract the wrong kind of attention.

7. Don't stand about looking lost, with maps blowing in the wind while trying to read your guide book. This is when thieves will perceive you to be at your most vulnerable. Go into the nearest bar or coffee shop and get your bearings. You will often find the locals within to be more than willing to help.

8. Carry a padlock with you at all times for lockers, hostel doors and storage cabinets. Don't scrimp on this as most cheap padlocks can be easily opened with a thin shim that is used to release the locking mechanism. Higher quality padlocks will be impervious to these kinds of attacks.

9. If you have to share a sleeper while on a train or bus then sleep on your bag. Push the flap of your rucksack against the wall and pack the top of your bag with a towel or clothing. I've rested my head on my laptop many times without damaging it. Alternatively, buy one of those slash proof rucksack bags that can be locked to something.

10. While travel should be enjoyed and not tackled with an attitude bordering on paranoia, you should still be very careful who you trust. Confidence tricksters are usually some of the nicest people you will ever meet until they eventually get around to ripping you off or fleecing you of your possessions. If a situation feels wrong then it usually is.

11. Heed the advice of locals. If they tell you not to go somewhere or not to do something, then don't. The majority of people who do get into serious trouble are those who are usually in the wrong place at the wrong time because they feel that it is their God given 'right' to express their sense of adventure and daring wherever they go, consequences be damned.

12. While many women rightfully want to assert their equality and independence, Asia is still made up of very patriarchal societies. Travelling with others will make for a much more enjoyable experience and will generally keep you safe and out of harms way. Try to share taxis, rickshaws and train compartments with other foreigners and try to use reputable travel websites to hook up with other travellers while on the road.

A little bit of common sense is generally all that is required. While in Asia, assertiveness and confidence goes a long way, shouting, screaming and insulting people does not. It is so easy to revert back to western ways or drop your guard especially while you are enjoying yourself in a foreign land and while crime against travellers is thankfully still a rare occurrence, incidents obviously do happen, so always be aware. Sadly, there also seems to be a growing number of backpackers who fund their travels by stealing and ripping off fellow travellers, so be wary of these vultures too. Always keep in mind that most criminals are cowards who will always go for the weak, disorientated or uninitiated. The quicker you wise up to the culture of a country and become more travel wise, then a less of a target you will become.

Happy and safe travels everyone, wherever they may be :)

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