Nha Trang - Smack my beach up

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Monday, 30th August
Caught a sh*t train, sat with the peasants. Disaster.

Tuesday, 31st August
We arrived in Nha Trang yesterday but not early enough for me to be bothered to write about it. We checked into the Blue Sky, another great value place. We seem to have our hotel routine down now. Our tips:
1. Identify on the map where you want to stay. Don't deviate.
2. Every person who hassles you; get a flyer.
3. Listen to the quoted price and offer at least $2 less.
4. Say you will look, NEVER take your bag upstairs.
5. Have a cost in your head you won't go over.

Nha Trang is our first beach town this trip (ignoring the Cat Ba Island 10 minutes in a sardine can sea). It has everything you would expect in a beach town; restaurants, bars, a health spa. Actually it doesn't have a British-style pier with impossible claw teddy bear games. It doesn't have rock. I take it back it has everything you would expect in a n0n-sh*t beach town. We half worried the place might be a party town, in Asia that means your skull vibrating so hard your teeth fall out. So far seems perfectly chilled.

The beach at Nha Trang is less white than my Coca-Cola stained teeth but it is clean and there aren't any stones. The sand is hotter than the core of the Earth but not as orange. The water is clear and flat as a witch's car tyre. That was until the afternoon when all of a sudden it took the murky shade of milky urine.

With the 2 Kiwis we hired sun loungers for about a quid for the whole day and got a few beers in to assist what could have been a difficult day lying down. Quickly it was obvious that for a whole minutes peace you would have sold your left b*ll*ck. Vendors left, right, centre. Books they made themselves, Armani sunglasses and cheap unbranded food on tap. Doesn't matter that I am reading a book through my sunglasses covered in crisp crumbs with chocolate round my mouth.

These f**kers are persistent.

Sometimes it's funny. One of them kept saying "don't be cheap Charlie". Another "she give you happy ending". Nothing winds them up like sarcasm or ridiculous haggling - "all the sand you can carry". Wasting their time is more fun.

It was quite funny how they all cover themselves up. You could be mistaken for thinking this was Tehran. Two eyes trying to flog you sunglasses. It was the same in South America - like having a tan reduced your social status. Spending all day on the beach chopping pineapple for 10p a fruit has already done that. From my Western perspective anyway. I could be sat out here til I shrivelled and died and still not be dark enough to reprint Catcher in the Rye.

In the afternoon we went to a place in town where you barbecue your own food. #7 up for me - crocodile! Ironically it was not snappy in cooking.

Wednesday, 1st September
Being on the coast we had to get signed up for some snorkelling. Again we steered clear of the party boat trip, still haven't replaced those fillings. Now I managed to forget to take notes today so will have to do this from memory:

1. The range of fishes was incredible - standard cast of Finding Nemo (who wouldn't give an autograph) including the colourful extras who didn't make the Director's Cut. There were sea cucumbers who made me feel very inadequate.
2. At one point under the sea I looked over at Hayley. I saw more than I bargained for. A whole boob! Best snorkelling ever.
3. At the second snorkel site no-one got out the boat. I thought I would, just to p*ss anyone off who might have wanted to go home. 25m out from the side and I couldn't work out what was on the sea floor. Some sort of rope maybe? Nope. No. F**king snakes! Tons of 'em. And massive.
4. I got abused once more for not jumping off the top of the boat. By a German I have never met.

Thursday, 2nd September
Happy Vietnam day. Happy everyone gets a day off and goes to the beach and then that beach miraculously gets covered in sh*t within about ten minutes. Time for us to find sun loungers that cost £1.50 not £1. What does 50p get you?

"No peddling!" Sweet. A lady on a bike was dragged away by the scruff of her neck and shot in the head.

Oh, not that peddling. Still, dried up the sunglasses and fake Quavers a treat. A 100 yr. old woman sat right next to the sign. Her hat blew into the area but she was too scared to get it. We'd paid for men in cowboy hats to police the border. There isn't much more to say when the main characters on the beach aren't allowed anywhere near you.

Later in the afternoon the first rain in 3 days hit. It would seem the longer the dry spell the worse the storm. The Vietnamese were like meerkats; the dark and ominous clouds hadn't even got out of bed by the time they were straight-backed and sniffing the air and tasting it for signs of impending doom. The beach emptied quicker than the NYSE when the bomb alarm sounds. Under our lounger we held out for all of five seconds before darting under the nearby bar roof. We watched as the horizon disappeared in a cloud burst. Finally a chance for fair-skinned Sam to uncover himself.

My ADHD saw me go out to the sea in the rain (which was warm), but then come back in when I swam within 2 feet of a giant turd. Have I said this before? Savages!!!

Friday, 3rd September
With our last day in Nha Trang we decided on a trip to the Thap Ba Hot Spring Centre. All in for a fiver each. We caught a taxi to the outskirts of town into the hills to where all the Vietnamese hang out. Apparently.

The place was ram-o and a class divide was obvious. Our fiver put us firmly at the top of the ladder. Up to where the private mud baths were. 4 in a wooden tub filled with silky mud, good for the skin apparently. I dipped my head under and came out aged 15. After a relaxing half-hour we washed it all off and the wrinkles returned. Second puberty in one burst of water. Took about four hours to clean it all out of the crevices; dangerous in the heat when mud hardens like dental resin.

We followed the floating arrows down our first class perch into the thermal bath. 40 degrees doesn't sound like much, but when you're pinker than a homosexual packet of bacon from several days in the sun it STINGS!!! SH*T!!! Literally unbearable for more than a few minutes. Let's move to the next part of this relaxing and skin soothing day...

...into the blasting mineral shower. Pelted with water out of holes so small that it pierced the skin. Hmmm, fiver was it?

And so the treatment ended, now to relax by the pool in the blistering heat. Doesn't get better than...no...no, that little Vietnamese fella just flobbed in the pool. From the side. Regular floor just doesn't have that splashing sound.

That's it. The Vietnamese and I are well and truly over. I don't hate them, I'm just sick of them. Partially it's the quantity; rarely can you find yourself a little bit of quiet space. Multiply quantity by percentage of sellers of cheap cr*p per 1,000 inhabitants and the ears burn through overuse. Sprinkle in aggression. Add the pushing, the dogged resistance to queuing politely and the best of all...the spitting. Nothing like the chilled out Laotians or happy-go-lucky Thais.

Right. Latest rant over.

F**k, forgot the animal cruelty and the fact they never fr*gg*n' smile.

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Comments

[Sam]

Fair skin was a nice way of putting it...
How does FU*#IN albino sound ha ha