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Published: August 12th 2010
Hue
Just a cool spot along the river on my walk to go eat some Fake meat at my favorite veggie restaurant in NamMy journey as a whole is more than halfway over, while my time in Vietnam has come to a close.
In my final couple days, I got the heck out of Dong Ha to spend my last full day in Hue. Hue has SO much culture and even better food, so I took a bus there right after my DMZ tour.
I learned some smaller bus stations do not sell tickets to foreigners, which allows the operators to charge six times what everyone else pays. I threw a bit of a fit and almost used my two favorite Viet sentences ("I am crazy" and "I am Satan Hooker") but was able to get the price down to only double the normal value without going there.
I was comfortable in my seat with the luggage until the van lady decided my seat was made for two people. That's when she sat HIM there! Since I've already used Yoda to describe my last bus friend, we'll have to call him Golem (although Yoda would work just as well).
As Golem closed in on my seat, I became quite aware he was three sheets as he wreaked
Golem
sitting comfortably next to me while I am squished against the luggage of alcohol. He grabbed my hand and said, "You friend! You friend!" He then sat in the seat, sprawled out and put his hand on my bare knee. I was paralyzed. He kept stroking my kneecap with his half-thumb, since part of it was missing. (These older people in Vietnam sure are missing lots of digits).
I tried to catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye, and I saw he was just staring at me and smiling with a rather upsetting grin. His hand began to move down my leg, when I realized I was about to be molested by an old Vietnamese man on a bus to Hue.
"What do you do in this situation?" I wondered.
And then I questioned, "Why am I always molested in Asia?"
And then I thought, "If I don't take a picture of this old, nubby hand working it's way up my thigh, my friend Julie will kill me."
So I went for my camera in my bag which caused Golem to move his hand. I was half glad, half disappointed, because I thought, "That would have been a pretty funny picture."
I kept
Golem II
Posing with his hat (I wish I was making this stuff up!!1) checking on Golem out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes he was just smiling at me. Other times he looked like he was passed out. Then the thought crossed my mind that he looked kinda dead, which made me wonder, "What would happen in that situation?" How would I tell the bus lady? I don't have that phrase in my guide book. Would she make me sit with dead him for the rest of my trip, or would they just dump him on the side of the road? Could this qualify me for my own seat?
It was then when I felt a weird warmth on the side of my right thigh. Either I was really starting to sweat, or Golem just peed. Was this a sign of life? Or death? Was I really just peed on by an old perverted man on a bus in Vietnam?
"Why didn't I take the train?" I wondered.
I so wished Christine was there to appreciate the humor in all this. Was it weird of me to be more amused than mortified?
That was when I realized I had to get a picture of Golem--Just for Julie. Plotting
Gecko, meet Giant bug
some common sites on the walls of the local eateries this mission consumed most of my trip time (thankfully). I thought I would pretend to be shooting the scenery out the window, but everytime I positioned myself for the shot, Golem would stir, turn to me and smile. Finally I just asked to take his picture, to which he happily agreed. When I showed him the shot, he donned his hat and demanded I take another. (I've included both for your pleasure). The hat and molestation aspect kind of made him Freddy Krugerish.
Our row eventually became a cargo section and Golem and I ended up on separate rows. I eyed him inching his wrinkly hand towards the lady next to him and must admit I was a little jealous. We'll sort that out in therapy later.
For the rest of the trip, the driver put on some jazzy Viet music. After some time of this, I kind of went into a trance and started to hear English phrases in the Vietnamese lyrics. Most of them were one-liners, probably a result of deep-seeded desires. I heard, "Making love is nice,"and "I like wine."
Then they got kinda weird and grew in length. like, "It went through the window, the mutton chef."
My favorite verse said,"
"Gargonzola.
Inside Ghandi's toe,
He's one fine Jew.
Go to monkey town...
Gargonzola."
Yah, I'm gonna need a shrink after this trip.
So now I've learned my lesson. I am taking the train tonight to Danang where I will catch a series of planes to Cambodia. Since I have a few hours to kill, I am having some Vietnamese beers before my ride. This time, I figured if anybody is going to be doing the peeing, it's gonna be me!!
XOXOXO Vietnam!!!!
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Kelly
non-member comment
Too funny Jason. Thanks for the laugh at your expense (as always)