4.13 Simply...Strong

11:00 p.m., Wednesday night. Last night in SavHos.
I'm sadder than I thought I would be. Or rather, I have tried not to give it too much thought. So Im really just rolling with it today. I just got my marching orders, "Visa, in hand. Tomorrow, 9 am, report to the main PC office and by 1 pm, we will have you on your way to Jizzakh." First thought, 'wow, Im really going.,' second thought, 'shit, gotta pack.' We have been waiting here, futzing around for the last week and a half waiting to get our g.d. Visas, wondering when and if, and I think that screwed a bunch of us up. A momentary hick-up in frame of mind. As of now, half of us have them, half are expected to get theirs later this week. We. Shall. See. No really, Im being a bit pessimistic but honestly, this week the Ministry has been doing a not-to-shabby job of granting us our Visas. Surprised, yes. Happy its on the up and up so Ill let the whole drama lye, double yes yes. A friend and I were talking today after the meeting about how we really have to change gears, we have been on a bit of a vaca, like we all have forgotten, A., we have a job to do here, me teach English and spread the word of peace and love (on my good days), and B., we have another big adjustment just ahead of us. Time to get back on the ball. Time to put back on that Superman getup.
I feel strangely sad yet strong all at the same time. I think that I, like many others, came here, on the personal side of the list, to test ourselves, to test our strength, to pull on the emo strings and see how much it will give. And I questioned just how strong that string really is. But now, now I think I have just realized something, this is a thought that naively I think has never crossed my mind. I think I am already a stronger person than I thought I am, or already was. I came here thinking that the hardest thing was going to be not freaking out when the going gets rough. Not wanting to run home (Marylandga) when I have a shitty day or week. But now, now as I sit here, having just gone through training, as they say, the hardest part of your service, having just said good-bye (for now) to one of my strongest crutches here in Uz, a certified life-long friend (my g.f. krista, one of my training site-mates), after having my goodbye dinner with my adopted family (my next host family has got to be better than a cigarette and a double scoop of extra chocolate, chocolate ice cream on a cloud up in heaven to beat the one Ive got here in SavHos), although I'm sad, its all so bittersweet, I feel, well, I feel strong. I know that is such a common word but that's how I feel. When you can feel sad and scared and a tinge lonely and at the same time a bit in awe of the moment and ready for the challenges ahead, I can only use the word, strong. Maybe proud too. I always think of myself as a person who, if given a test of mental strength, would fall in the lowest percentile. Maybe Im not the same girl I was eight, no, maybe even three, four years ago. My g. friend Krista was telling me today that she thought I was a damn strong girl. She has shed a tear or two today (not that that makes her anything but an in-touch and great person. ANd actually Im now thinking that maybe I need to cry a bit more, I dont want to become a cold fish. Oh no.) and I haven't (till tonight, boo hoo, bye bye Krista.) and she said, no but really, I seemed to her like a person who really can roll with it, things dont bother me to the point of girly freak-out or what not. And I thought, wow. Huh. How 'bout that. Im always wondering if I can withstand this or withstand that but maybe over the corse of it all, I rowed when the wind wasn't blowing and I didn't even realize it. Its funny how we sometimes think of ourselves as we were maybe and not as we actually are, here and now. Ill work on that. I am going to really start getting into my Yoga books when I get to site, maybe meditation will help with my need for getting in-touch with self. Anyways, so now that I feel like I could go ten rounds in the ring with the current heavy weight champ, what do I do now? Besides taking up the practice of meditation. I mean, if I came here to beef up my mental strength and I have just discovered that I could practically go days without eating (real food), days without talking (or at-least having a real conversation beyond "hello, how are you? I am fine. Yes, I like Uzbekistan"), and just as many days without bathing, what shall I do here in this foreign land for the next two years? Well Jen, ya might have to learn how to use a pit toilet, daily. You definitely will have to be the only American in your community, fellow American friends readily available, not. You have to adapt to living in a household with a strict Muslim host father, and, oh yea, teach english to a bunch of kids that are used to the last volunteer A., speaking copious amounts of coherent Uzbek to them and B., who they adored. Its all good, Ill be fine, its about time for another challenge, Ive been stuck here in Tashkent for an extra week and a half, Im ready. And do you want to know why all is good, cause I'm SIMPLY... STRONG.

***Photos are of the day before I left, we went to my host mothers family home in the country to cook Sumalac...

(stay tuned and check back in a few weeks, see if Im simply...a lier. Fingers crossed Im not.)

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