Good Thai-brations

"You climb now!" said the man, pointing upwards in the direction of an intimidating rock face. I had met my so-called instructor only minutes earlier. During our brief relationship, he had handed me some strange shoes, taught me how to tie a single knot and explained how he was still suffering from the night before. This, and the useful pointing of which direction to head, was all the guidance I had before my first rock climbing experience...

I was wearing a testicle-hating harness, which was attached to a rope reeled through a pulley at the peak and, ultimately, held by my recovering new friend at the bottom. I wasn't certain to what extent this apparatus would save me should I fall. Nonetheless, I started to climb and scaled 20m before becoming stranded, gripping by my fingernails to the vertical side of a sheer cliff. And, then I looked down!

The gravity of the situation immediately hit me and the muscles in my legs started to tremble involuntarily. I still wasn't sure of what the consequences of falling would be - and the ambivalent attitude of my instructor shrugging from below wasn't inspiring me with confidence. Literally, in between a rock and a hard place, I basically had one chance of reaching up for the next hold.

I missed it!

Had I more time, I would probably have shat myself. But, in the space of the heartbeat I missed, I was saved by the rope (with my entire weight inconveniently supported at the axis of my balls). Once I realised that I could climb without fear of imminent death or injury, except for breaking a newly manicured nail, I fell in love with rock climbing.

I managed to reach a height of over 30m where panoramic views of mountainous karsts abruptly descended into the sea, and only eagles dared to fly. If it wasn't for my disproportionately thin legs I might have made it to 40m but, after three attempts involving ever more spectacular falls, exhaustion finally overcame me. Should I ever recover the feeling in my shoulders, I want to do this again.

This was in Rai Leh beach on the Krabi coastline. When it became clear that Phuket's tourism came strictly packaged in hotel resorts, we left Paul's in search of The Beach...

We barely made the last longtail boat from Krabi town, leaving an overdeveloped coastline in the distance and arriving at a secluded stretch of sand hidden between two headlands. Even at dusk, the sight of still water reflecting twinkling beach huts backdropped by lime scaled mountains rising into a night of stars was magical. We assumed, correctly, that this was Ton Sai beach.

Arriving anywhere at night is disorientating, especially if there's no electricity, the bungalows are set in the forest darkness - and, you waste the last minutes of light having a customary cold beer. So, we decided to sleep where we drink - a self proclaimed reggae bar that's more accustomed to a party than a comfortable night. Think, dub bass sound system, decked dancefloor, chill out huts, cushioned floor seating, a bar laced in fairy lights, and Bob Marley playing every second song.

By contrast, the small bamboo cells were furnished with an inch-thin matress and a threadbare mosquito net - while the shared bathroom was literally shit...This might take a more than a few night caps.

Returning to my previous musical comparisons of SE Asia (Vietnam - Punk, Cambodia - The Blues, Laos - Reggae), I expected Thailand to be Pop - it turned out to be only Rock and Roll. But I like it.

The bar we stayed at is managed by a motley crew Thai dudes who look like they are on tour; long hair, skinny band T-shirts, sunglasses at night and tattoos everywhere. They're hip to be cool. We instantly strike a friendship with the would-be owner, Max, and raise a toast, "Let's drink to...get drunk!". And we do.

At some point in the evening, after I convince Max to adopt a free drinks policy, he confides his unrequited affection for one of the American girls drinking across the bar - and asks my advice. I'm not sure if it was my lines or his delivery but he returned satisfied enough with the response to celebrate with more drinks on the house. The staff's good nature is infectious, even if they were intent on playing gangster with male posturing tales of police, guns and drugs - and the revelation that one of them is, apparently, the leader of a biker's gang in hiding. By the end of the night, which was early morning, I may have even been initiated into this gang (despite only ever riding a moped once successfully!).

The beach huts looked even more primitive in the cold light of day so we escaped to better bungalows. While walking we were followed by a small kitten, which was followed a large monitor lizard. And then, no kitten!

Pussy eating reptiles aside, our worst animal encounters have been with the insects. Thailand has the largest and most single-minded mosquitos in all SE Asia...they suck! We are tormented by them to the point of plotting elaborate torture executions - hoping to capture a mosquito, remove one of its wings and watch it fly in circles until death by dizzying exhaustion. Perhaps we have too much time on our hands.

Fortunately, the insects are a small price to pay for beaches that rate with the world's most beautiful. We left the hippy haven of Ton Sai for the high end resorts of Rai Leh - where I spent my time sweating on the sides of rock formations while Flo sunned herself on the pristine white sand beaches. Perhaps the most beautiful was Prangang beach where colourfully stained rocks hang over crystal clear waters - although, the scenery was slightly tainted by me forgetting my shorts and having to swim Indian style...in my chuddies!

It was the perfect day to end our travels in southern Thailand before returning to the capital to take flight once more...

We had already spent one night in Bangkok, arranging India visas on our way to the islands. My introduction to the city was stepping off a bus, flicking a butt into an already littered street and then being pulled by a policeman. He wanted me to pay a fine, which started at 10,000 baht and was gradually whittled down to 500 baht, before his lack of English and my relentless claims of ignorance eventually allowed me to walk away with a warning - don't smoke in the company of corrupt policemen.

We've still managed to escape the worst of monsoon weather, although humid days in the city are occasionally broken by torrential showers; in a twist from usual convention, we've actually been looking forward to the cooling relief of rain.

Since it's low season, there are not many tourists here - even Koh San Road is fairly relaxing! We spent a couple of days shopping for fakes, chilling at our rooftop pool, seeing the stunning sights of the Golden Palace and drinking Mekong whisky (hopefully for the last time!). We also experienced Pat Pong's red light district from afar - everyone seemed very insistent on inviting me for a game of table tennis. I had no idea that Ping-Pong was such a popular sport in Thailand!

---

---