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Published: February 18th 2012
We’ve died and gone to Heaven.
That’s the only explanation for it.
We’ve died and gone to Heaven.
And, I’ll tell you something. It is exactly (EXACTLY) how I imagined it would be.
Exactly!
Except for one thing.
You still have to pay for things.
(I must admit, that threw me. I wasn’t expecting that). But, apart from that, it is EXACTLY how you would expect it to be.
For example:
It’s warm, everywhere, all the time.
It’s fertile and full of lush vegetation.
When you order a drink from the bar, they bring you two of everything (and the duplicates are free).
Every night, they have a beautiful sunset (yes, they have sunsets in Heaven too ).
And.
(This is the clincher). They have monkeys.
If you think about it, of course they’d have monkeys in Heaven, they’re our ancestors after all.
(Actually, while we're on the subject, it always blows my mind to think that we all have personal ancestors - great grannies and grandads – that have lived through every era. If we assume there are 4 generations per century, and ignoring inbreeding for a monent, then saying “great” x 4 refers to your great grandparents who were alive 100 years ago. If you say "great" x 40, then that refers to your great grandparents who were alive 1000 years ago, Battle of Hastings, King Harold's day. If you say "great" x 160, then you are now looking at your great grandparents during the Stone Age. Carrying on then, saying “great” x 3200 refers to your Neanderthal grandparents, and there is likely to be some familial resemblance (still is in some cases). If you say “great” 800,000 times, then your great grandparents are monkeys, 16 million times they’re fish (still with that familial resemblance in some cases). 160 million times and they are single celled animals !!! Yes, your great (x160m) grandparents. We can keep on going, but it just gets silly).
There is plenty of other evidence this is Heaven though, not just the monkeys.
Other examples:
They have a place called “The Spa” where there are beautiful private rooms where bliss happens. The rooms are called things like: ‘Harmony’, ‘Peace’, ‘Carefree’ and ‘Staff Only’. Here, beautiful Thai ladies (in pairs) pummel your whole body for
two hours non-stop. Your WHOLE body. (Actually, when I say your whole body, I actually mean 99.9% of your body, or rather, in my case, 84% of your whole body).
There’s other things too.
Another Thai lady makes pancakes with banana drizzled in chocolate sauce and served with creamy vanilla ice cream. As many as you want.
Or, diving amongst amazing coral reefs teeming with wildlife (or rather, Great Grandmas and Grandpas). I had two dives today. We swam with the fishes for up to an hour before the diving instructor deployed his diving sausage (honest) to signal our return to Heaven. It’s the first time I’ve had to use a diving sausage and I hope it’s not the last.
Mmmm – diving sausage.
The diving boat visited beautiful islands. It even went past that beach where they made that film. You know, the one about the beautiful deserted beach. You know the one I mean, the one with Leonardo de Caprio in it. Oh what was it called now, it’s on the tip of my tongue. Famous film. The one about the beach? Ah yes, that was it, The Beach. (Notice how deserted it
is these days!).
On my way back from the dive, I walked through the local town (Ao Nang). Here you can buy all sorts of authentic Thai souvenirs like . . . Burger King (bit surprised to see that in Heaven to tell you the truth) or tasers (Thaizers?). Sixteen quid for a taser. Oh what fun you could have, making juice with an original Thaizer.
More Heavenly things.
Wine, beer, food, music on the beach flows freely.
They ‘ve even upgraded our room (we now have a jacuzzi on the balcony) because I said I might not believe in God (my actual words were “there’s a problem with the air conditioning, we want upgrading’, but they knew what I really meant. We've realised since the problem was that we kept leaving it on :-).
Everybody is beautiful. Even the ugly people.
And to top it all, there was a marvellous tropical storm at bedtime. First time we've seen rain in a month.
Heaven on Earth. It’s true. God dammit. It’s true. It really does exist.
Sawasdee Krap
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Carol
non-member comment
Just like I taught you
Hi Joe. I am thinking that this is the correct Joe Blog to whom I refer? If it is, it is good to see that you are coming along fine with the tuning of neutral buoyancy. I'm just trying to place the exact co-ordinates in The Delph quarry :-) Seriously though, it looks like you are having a fab time and doesn't seem like you are missing the cold and wind and snow and cold water blah blah blah! Sounds like you have found tropical heaven and will no doubt find more on your travels.