The moped diaries

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The drum roll blares from the plasma screen TV installed above the bar, two men deposit two fighting cocks in the small ring and the birds begin to circle each other. I'm shocked, not only is cock fighting legal over here, but its screened on national television as well.

IN the meantime we saw our window on Phi PHi and dove through it, taking a ferry to the mainland town of Krabbi and from there we can travel to Ko Lanta by Bus and causeway, the direct Phi phi ko lanta ferry being out of action due to swells.

When we arrive on Krabi we feel guilty over our bellyaching regarding the weather , the floods have really given Krabi a good licking. Most of the shops are closed due to flood damage and and in some of the surrounding lowlands trees are so submerged all you can see is palm fronds sticking out of the water.

Floods have cause the water to be switched off throughout the entire of Krabi which means the toilets are to be used only for light relief and not as our bus conductor referred to as "something strong" Despite this predicament, I of course through caution into the wind by ordering the strongest curry in the house. As I eat it, I can picture the bus conductors smiling face and cigarette stained smile laughing at me and I make a mental note to pop some arretes the second I get back to the hotel

Meanwhile the bird fight on tv is nearing a close and the ring is covered in splatters of gore and shed feathers, the weaker bird has thrown in the towel and attempting to flee the ring on his one functional talon, squawking in fright. The ref grabs him by the neck and places him back within range of the stronger bird who who promptly savages him until he's just a limp bundle of bloody feathers. The tv audience bays in delight and feel my curry attempt to come back out my mouth in disgust. Niamh has already left the table.

Ko Lanta isnt as naturally pretty as Phi Phi. Phi phi is naturally more beautiful, like one of those unaugmented Baywatch babes but unfortunately whatever natural beauty Phi Phi had has long been destroyed by the Plastic surgery of over developement of shitty bars and overpriced touring companies to such an extent it resembles Jordan falling out of a taxi at 5 in the morning.

Ko lanta still has decent beaches bars that don't feel like templebar in the sun and for the first time in Thailand the locals aren't all out to cheat and scam you at every turn. Ko Lanta is fairly big so the only proper way to explore it is via moped hire. The road down the island is one long straight for several kilometers so its pretty much a case of stop and start. THe islanders all swear by the moped, considering you regularly shocked see a whole family including new born baby's squeezed onto the back of one bike, they must feel safe on them as well!

My bike is shiny brown, has a big Cycloptic headlight in the front and I've named it Elmo after the lettering on the side. To cap it off it even comes with a built in safety system on the rear seat that warns you when you are traveling to fast by shouting "ANDREW SLOW DOWN" whenever you break 20k hour at any point.

Elmo was purring down the beach row past bamboo huts , the green Indian ocean and even the occasional elephant, our destination being a hidden waterfall 5 k's to the south of the island.

Eventually the paved road ended and gave way to a dirt track, elmo began to buck a little and I began to answer naimhs questions talking like Stephen hawking due to the bouncing but we still made headway.

I heard a crash and looked back over my shoulder, AIshling had got stuck in a puddle and was trying to free her bike from the muck, i was about 50 yards ahead down a long hill so instead of urging elmo back up I engaged he foot stand, told Niamh to stand guard and sprinted back up the hill on foot. I was half way there when another shout rang out

ANDREW THE MONKEYS ARE GOING TO EAT ME!

To make matters worse a troop of angry monkeys had emerged ahead of Niamh and Elmo, the lead males hooting aggressively and advancing on her. I pegged it back to the bike, told Niamh to get to Aishling and attempted to start up Elmo and get him up the hill.

I turn the key. Nothing

Again, nothing

I repeat the restarting process over and over and Elmo refuses to budge. While I have my back to him, the alpha Male is so close judging by the sound of his hooting, I expect him to take a chunk out of my shoulder at any second. A chunk of thrown monkey excrement bounces next to the front wheel and I hear what presumably are other pieces splatter against the rear mudguard.

Elmo purrs to life and its the most satisfying sound I have ever heard and I fly up the hill to safety, the fact that I am far more likely to die statistically from motorcycle injury then being eaten/raped by monkeys doesn't occur to me. But Mr Monkey didn't get to eat his Walsh meat today.

Bikes free of the mud we carry on past the monkeys who have stopped to watch us drive past, to scared of the engine noise to come close. I flip the alpha male a big one fingered salute as I drive past and to add extra insult wiggle my opposable thumb for good measure.

Then the dirt road ran out and we had to trek it the last stretch to the waterfall, wading through a nearly knee deep river and under the jungle canopy. We could see the crushed vegetation from elephant trails as well as palm fronds as big as people, the light from the sun came through the canopy in places looking like blue laser beams. Your could hear the distant chatter on monkeys, insects and most of all frogs from all directions but unfortunately didn't see anything in the flesh.

The waterfall itself poured down from a rocky outcrop into a chest high pool in the centre of a clearing. As we were taking time to appreciate it the heavens opened.

Rain began with the force of a fire hose and our cloths were waterlogged within seconds. TO open your mouth would risk drowning so we had to hot tail it back to the bikes, if this turned out to be 4 day hosing then the jungle would soon be flooded.

THe water would collect in large pools in the thick canopy before bursting down with the force of a water bomb, I reached elmo and began to drive back to the hotel at abo0ut 15 k an hour, the fastest speed allowable given the circumstances, nimah shivering on the backseat and wringing a river of water each time she grips the back of my shirt for purchase.

Good ole Elmo got us home.

Eventually.

Ps Added Phi Phi photos to the last entry for you to have a look at...bear in mind all were taken in a 3 hour window while we had no rain on "little Pee Pee". None of these pics bar the bucket one were taken on the big island which remains a tackfest

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Photos

Elmo
Our trusty steed

The river
No leeches!

The waterfall
We didn't know the heavens were about to burst!