Meditation 2

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DAY 6
Feeling more positive today, even ate more of the breakfast then I normally do.

I have noticed how skinny some of the people are who work here, even Tan Dhammavidu. Khun Reinhard who told me off yesterday has the skinniest feet and ankles I have ever seen. I am sure that I have lost weight too.

Looking at my desert bowl (instead of fruit) it looked like a petri dish used in biology class with all bacteria all over it. I am sure some people think I am insane as I sometimes laugh out loud when I am thinking of things to keep myself amused. It probably looks like I am going insane.

Here at the hermitage when we have our yummy delicious 2 meals a day we have to wait for everyone to be seated before we say our food reflection before we eat.

FOOD REFLECTION
With wise reflection, I eat this food / Not for play, not for intoxication / not for fattening, not for beautification. / Only to maintain this body, / to stay alive and healthy / to support the spiritual (way of) life. / Thus I let go of unpleasant feelings, / and do not stir up new ones. / Thereby the process of life goes on, / blameless, at ease and in peace. /
The /’s show where the speaker stops and then everyone has to repeat it.

The hot choc at the end of the day has become quite the site. Everyone powers up to the dining hall to get there first. First there means you drink it quick and can go up for a second before everyone has even got their first. People even line up for their second before they have finished their first. Today I saw a girl have 3 cups before I even finished my first. Talk about skulling. It’s on for young and old with the ovaltine.

We also have to wash our own cups and bowls when we are finished which is fine with me. Raking the leaves everyday is annoying as most of the time I am always raking big rocks and dirt, which would be better left on the ground.

The Eight trainings
I undertake the training to intend not to take away any breath.
I undertake the training to intend not to take away what is not given.
I undertake the training to intend to keep my mind and my body free from any sexual activity.
I undertake the training to intend not to harm others by speech.
I undertake the training to intend not to harm my consciousness with substances that intoxicate and lead to carelessness.
I undertake the training to intend not to eat in between noon and before dawn.
I undertake the training to intend not to dance, sing, play or listen to any music, watch shows, wear garlands, ornaments and beautify myself with perfumes and cosmetics.
I undertake the training to intend not to sleep or sit on luxurious beds and seats.
This was chanted in Pali and English and were the eight trainings we were undertaking

During our last med before bed I happened to open my eyes in frustration as I couldn’t concentrate, and as I did a firefly flew into the med hall and I watched it as it flew around in and out of the columns. It was great.

DAY 7
Getting up in the morning is really hard. Didn’t sleep as well either. I dreamt about a tiger and woke up with a cat on my concrete bed, but outside the mosquito net (thank god) that was leaning on my arm! When I shooed it out of the room it scared the crap out of someone passing by, hihihi, I just chuckled to myself!!!

My neighbour Tanya left today. She left me a note in my room.

I can’t eat this shit breakfast anymore. It’s shitting me to the core and I once again feel like crying. I don’t wanna be here anymore.

All this talk about mindfulness is pissing me off. Be mindful of your moments, every movement that you make, think before you move. I am so over this and so so hungry. I just wanna go home and I can’t get that song out of my head either. My neck is sore and I think I am coming down with something too. I had a soother and it was good to taste again. It didn’t really help my throat though.

I think I am now at the point where I am brain dead and exhausted. I am still thinking but not like before. Its hot today and I don’t feel like doing anything at all. I am really pushing myself to stay here. My mind is going dead and I don’t think I am relaxed, just dead. Maybe Dhukka is in the head!

After lunch I had a nap which seemed to go on forever and I missed out on one of the lectures but I didn’t care. Also wrote on some postcards (which is forbidden). When I was leaving my room a French girl whispered to me asking if I had any cigarettes, (also forbidden), I said no but we continued to talk for a while and a German girl joined us. It was reassuring to hear the girls talk as they too were struggling. The French girl actually had a warning from Reinhard that he will kick her out if he sees her talking again! She also spoke with Tan Dhammavidu and he said that it’s very hard to meditate in this type of situation and that after he talks to us, when we are all meant to be meditating; he just sits there and thinks. Now if they told us this was a tough way to meditate I think less people would be worried about it… (Oh and the German girl said I only looked 19!!!)

“Someone wrote this in the back of the chanting book
Even though the darkest place
Be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave
Here beneath my skin

And constant craving
Has always been

Maybe a great magnet pulls
All our souls towards truth
Or maybe it is life itself
Feeds wisdom to its youth

And constant craving has always been”

They are now playing mind tricks on us. We all rushed up to get our ovaltine to find they have switched to something else. I thought it tasted like horrible weak tomato soup and we were all disappointed. Many of us were holding back the tears as it’s the best thing in our lives at the moment. I hope it's not here for good. All us girls did have a laugh though as this old shaggy dog that walked past us while we were drinking the tea and decided to do its business right infront of us. While we were drinking our crap, it was taking one. We couldn’t stop laughing; I think it was a way to release some frustration. I know that’s what I was doing.

DAY 8
Why is it when you slow down you get sick? My throat hurts and I have a cough, I hope it doesn’t last long.

Feeling pretty proud of myself again today. Proud that I had the guts to leave home and travel on my own, to take charge of my life and to experience and really taste life. I am feeling so fortunate to have my life, and as Kylie would sing “I wouldn’t change a thing!”

One of the Americans I went to town with on registration day is leaving today. She is prob in her late 40’s so I think she did well considering her injured hips were sore. She told me before she left that “you have been a little ray of sunshine” how sweet! It made me feel good to know that I obviously put a smile on her face at least once. She also told me that on day 10 we can talk and tell everyone how we feel and what we learnt. I then told the French girl from yesterday but she then told me that she was being kicked out and if she refused to go Reinhard would keep her passport and report her. Wow. To be kicked out of a meditation retreat!

Tonight we had our ovaltine again. I had 3 cups! We got our schedule for day 9 and there is only one meal and loads more meditating. The meal is around breakfast time but it’s the lunch menu so no rice shit soup…woo hoo.

It’s all starting to feel like its coming to an end. Not that that’s a bad thing, its just that it’s gone so quick now that I look back on it. Looking forward to tomorrow though, getting to meditate outside in nature will be nice and I am sure more productive and worthwhile. Can’t journal write tomorrow either…

BUDDHISM YOU WANT TO KNOW, by Buddhadasa Bhikku
There are 2 types of happiness. The happiness felt in everyday lives of ordinary people, when a particular hunger or desire is satisfied. And the happiness that arises with the realisation of the final goal of life, happiness when there is no hunger at all, or want, when you’re completely free of all hunger, desire and want.
Distinction: happiness because hunger is satisfied and happiness due to no hunger at all. Can you see the difference? Can you feel the distinction between the happiness of hunger and the happiness of no hunger?

(I encourage you to at least skim read the following… Suanmokkh)

DAY 10
Well didn’t write yesterday and I benefited from it. It was a great day and I actually enjoyed the meditating. I didn’t mind only having the one meal either, but today I am pretty hungry. Today we had our last rice soup and I wrote in the visitors book. I am glad that its finishing and I really can’t wait to get back in the real world. It’s funny as Reinhard suggested that we ease our way back into the real world, but I am throwing myself in there by going back to Bangkok then India. We did our last yoga today and I will miss that for sure. Maybe it will be the only thing that I will miss. I wish I had bells at home to wake me and an instructor to show me how to do yoga.

The sky yesterday was awesome, very dark as a thunderstorm was coming over but between the clouds there were blue, pink and purple colours. I also went into the hot spring for the first time and it was actually pretty good. I wish now that I had used it a bit more. I was surprised as some people left on the morning of day 9, with only 2 days left.

I just had a moment where I thought I was communicating with a lizard that was just in front of me. I was making these noises; it came closer and was moving its head side to side like Finchy (my dog) does when I talk to her. Then out of nowhere it darts away and grabs a little worm. I watch it longer and it does the same. It wasn’t even paying attention to me hihihi…

Well day 10 is over and I had a record 4 cups of ovaltine and I felt quite sick afterwards. But Megan and I had a bit of a chat which was cool. Tonight was “celebration” time which involved us sitting around sharing our experiences, pain, and time with everyone. I was going to say

“Hi, my name is Amanda…and I’m an alcoholic. Oops, wrong retreat!”

But I thought that actually might offend people!

There were a few funny ones, ones that pissed me off as they got up and cried and talked about their problems (blah blah blah), I guess it made them feel better as they got it all out in the open. A Scottish guy was hilarious and I really related to this Kiwi guys talk. (I had been contemplating wether or not to do it all day but decided not to as I figured everyone else would be saying the same thing). There was time for one more so I thought what the hell and I got up. I gave them my spiel about how I always used to say ever since I was a kid that I just wanted to be happy. And then how I found a quote one day that said “happiness is being content with what you have” (you know me and my quote obsession) and how true the quote was for me. And I feel like I have been truly happy ever since. I also thanked all the girls who smiled back to me throughout the meditation as they really helped me out.

My last nights sleep here. Last thought for the day: I love me and I love my life.

DAY 11

YOUR LIFE IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD

We all had to be silent till 5:45 which wasn’t too bad. I already miss yoga too. I was pretty eager to get out of here and packed quickly so I could get to the dining hall to talk to people. I had a banana, tea, got back my valuables and grabbed a free book. Megan and I had a chat and Rai then joined us. We just bitched about the past 10 days and Rai did the whole thing without talking…pretty impressive. He also said the boys dorm was like a morg and everyone was really zoned out. We said bye to Megan (so glad she was there to smile to everyday). I ended up having a quick chat with the Kiwi, Adrian, who has been working in oz and we had a few laughs and I was pretty bummed when I wasn’t able to get his email (even though we only spoke for about 15 mins!)

So I have now finished 10 days of the Meditation retreat. I am really proud of myself for making it and I am surprised that I think I may one day do another.

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Photos

The dining hall
where we ate shit

Some other friends i made
The ones who survived the whole meditation. Adrian do you realise your up the front with all girls??? Laurie you look like your meditating, didn't you do enough during the 10days??? hhmm.

Comments

[Laurie]

not meditating
Thanx for posting those blogs... It touches me to see them now, long after... I miss all that, looking back. And no, I wasn't meditating on the group picture. Actually, I hope I was... 'cause I wasn't meditating for the 10 days, not at all... just fantasizing... as you know! lol Love, -Laurie