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Published: April 4th 2006
The retreatants
The author is at bottom right, next to Right Hand ManNearly a year ago, I read an article in the Sunday Times travel section entitled “Holidays that will change your life”. In it were featured mainly pampering spa-type holidays. But one stood out: a ten day silent retreat in a Buddhist monastery in Thailand. My RTW trip was only a vague idea back then and I was open to suggestions. Something about it grabbed me and I decided to book my flights so I’d arrive in Thailand just before the December retreat.
I initially told one or two friends about my plan, but the reactions were at best mixed! I decided not to tell anyone else (including my family). After all, I may not get there in time or bottle it, and then it wouldn’t matter.
For the previous few weeks, I’d been wondering whether or not to go through with it. All kinds of things were worrying me. They don’t take reservations (you just turn up) so would I arrive too late? If I got in, how difficult would it be? Would I give up? What would other people think of me for doing it? From its description, this retreat is a bit full-on! I could spend 10
Men's Dorm
From outside. days doing anything else that I fancied. How much other stuff would I miss out on?
On the other hand, when would I ever have a chance to do something like this again? I could not justify spending my precious annual two week holiday doing a silent retreat. It’s only in the context of an extended break that I could do it and I knew I would regret it if I chickened out. To tell you the truth, I was not looking forward to it at all. It was my stubbornness that brought me here and I was looking for excuses to get out of it.
Wat Suan Mokkh is a Buddhist monastery outside the town of Chaiya, 30km north of Surat Thani. It has an International Retreat Centre where, from 1st to 10th every month, they hold retreats. They are in English and open to anyone who wishes to come along. You have to agree to abide by the rules of the retreat which are strict, but have a purpose.
I got up early, checked out and got a bus to the centre. I think the bus driver’s attitude towards me changed when I told him I was
Courtyard in the dorms
Water was stored in the "mandi". You take what water you need in the plastic containers and wash. No putting dirty water back in! going to the Wat. There was also a Farang couple on the bus and we all got out at the same place.
Day 0
When we finally got to the centre, 2km off the main road, I was handed a booklet detailing what to expect on the retreat so I could consider carefully whether to sign up or not. I also had an “interview” which seemed entirely one-way as I was not asked any questions! When the lady saw I had ticked the “no, I haven’t done meditation before” box, she went on about how much “suffering” there was going to be and how I had to be careful to balance it with “joy”. Hmm, didn’t exactly inspire me with confidence.
During the retreat, as well as keeping a silence, we’re basically supposed to live like Buddhist monks. Specifically, we have to follow the “Eight Trainings”:
* I undertake the training to intend not to take away any breath
* I undertake the training not to take away what is not given
* I undertake the training to keep my mind and body free from any sexual activity
* I undertake the training not to harm others
Courtyard in the dorms
It was only sunny on the last day (the only one when we could take pictures). A more typical view was looking at the rain streaming down from the roof. by speech
* I undertake the training not to harm my consciousness with substances that intoxicate and lead to carelessness
* I undertake the training not to eat in between afternoon and before dawn
* I undertake the training not to dance, sing, play or listen to music, watch shows, wear garlands, ornaments and beautify myself with perfumes and cosmetics
* I undertake the training not to sleep or sit on luxurious beds and seats
Now, of these, the one giving me most immediate practical concern was the last one. Let me explain what that means. My “bed” is a straw mat on a concrete shelf. Not only that, I have a wooden pillow! As I later found out, the idea behind this is you only sleep as much as you need to and the Buddha himself used a wooden pillow; so we would too. Hmm. Still, I had a mosquito net and I can honestly say I stayed in worse rooms in South America. And at least I’m not in a dorm. However, I did wonder what on earth I was doing here.
There was time to go into Chaiya to sort out anything that needed to
The square pond
The retreat centre is set in beautiful gardens. This pond and the island are supposed to symbolise Nirvana, and how difficult this is to achieve. be sorted out before we left all contact with the outside world. I got a bus in with Lola, a German woman living in Amsterdam. She had a shaven head and wore a bright Buddhist-yellow top. She’s done 20 retreats before, including several here.
I emailed my Mum and Dad to tell them where I was and not to worry.
Lola told me she usually smuggles “illegal” food into retreats. I took her lead and bought three chocolate milk drinks and four chocolate bars. We returned to the centre on motorcycle taxis.
We were given a tour of the centre and told what we could and couldn’t do. We were also shown a video about the late
Buddhadhasa Bikkhu, the founder of the Wat. Seemingly he was quite controversial in his day, but is now revered as one of Thailand’s great scholars.
At 8pm, the questions finished and the silent retreat started.
The silence has a purpose. It’s meant to remove distractions that can stir up the mind. You have to be calm to meditate well.
We’ve also been segregated by gender, also to remove distractions. Women and men sit on opposite sides of the
The lotus pond
Lotuses appear in the early morning. They flower and die by late afternoon. For this reason they are so symbolic in many Eastern religions. meditation hall and do yoga in different halls. There are separate dorm blocks.
We have to wear clothes that cover everything from the knees to the shoulders. I bought a pair of “Fisherman's trousers” from the local market especially.
Another important rule is that we’re not allowed to lie down in public. This is actually a taboo in Thailand but it would prove to be difficult for western retreatants with sore backs...
Day 1
Well, the bell rang at 4am and we all had to get up!
The daily routine for days 1-8 was:
4:00 * Rise & Shine
4:30 * Morning Reading
4:45 - Sitting Meditation
5:15 - Yoga
7:00 * Dhamma Talk & Sitting Meditation
8:00 - Breakfast and Chores
10:00 * Dhamma Talk
11:00 - Walking or Standing Meditation
11:45 * Sitting Meditation
12:30 * Lunch & Chores
2:30 * Meditation Instruction & Sitting Meditation
3:30 - Walking or Standing Meditation
4:15 * Sitting Meditation
5:00 * Chanting & Loving Kindness Meditation
6:00 - Tea & Hot Spring
7:30 * Dhamma Talk or Sitting Meditation
8:00 - Group Walking Meditation
9:00 * Bedtime
9:30 - Lights Out * indicates
the main bell was rung
It’s really moving to sit in a space with nearly 100 people where no one makes a sound. The “hall” is open to the elements on all sides and we could hear only the sounds of nature: the wind, the insects, the birds, the frogs.
The yoga sessions proved to be very useful. Sitting on the floor is not something western bodies are used to - certainly not mine. I’d done a bit of yoga back in the UK so I didn’t find it technically too difficult, but I was out of practice. Reinhardt, the Men’s co-ordinator, led our yoga sessions with a matter-of-fact “we need to do this to be able to sit for long periods” attitude. I found this very refreshing: no mystical nonsense.
Breakfast turned out to be some kind of rice gruel, with little bananas and lettuce leaves. I didn’t particularly like it at first, but as the days wore on, it got more bearable. We serve our own food, canteen style, and can’t start until everyone is served and someone reads out a “Food Reflection”. We’re supposed to repeat each line of the reflection out loud -
Meditation Hall #2
Where we spent most of our time. turns out not to be such a “silent” retreat after all. Then, we can eat. We use only a spoon and metal plates.
Lunch is a lot tastier than breakfast. It’s all seasonal vegetarian food from the local markets. We have brown rice, which I later found out is highly unusual in Thailand. I have to say I really enjoyed almost all the lunches I had in my time in Suan Mokkh. They were tasty without being over-spicy, like much Thai food. And they show that vegetarian food doesn’t have to be dull.
I needn’t have smuggled in chocolate drinks as hot chocolate is what we get for “Tea” at 6pm.
The centre is set in beautiful grounds, with ornamental lakes and lots of plants. As we are to live like Buddhist monks for our time here, we’re not allowed to swat mosquitoes and try not to step on ants (which is difficult!). There are lots of insects and the occasional lizard or snake around. The philosophy is that these animals were there before the centre was built, so we must respect their being there.
The first day passed fairly quickly because there was a novelty.
Dhamma Wheel
Explains aspects of Buddhist theory. I had a feeling the later days would be harder.
Essentially, there are three types of mediation done here. As the name suggests, Sitting Meditation is done sitting down. This is where we use the breathing techniques we would be taught over the retreat. On Day 1, I was finding this really hard. My mind would constantly have thoughts coming into it and would not sit still.
Walking Meditation is a bit different. I thought it was a joke at first. It seems rather John Cleese, but the idea is you go at your own pace and concentrate on detailed walking movements. It’s supposed to train the mind for concentration. Something you would not do in public in the outside world begins to seem rather normal after a few days...
However, Group Walking Meditation was not something I came to terms with. The first evening, it was raining, so we did it in an enclosed space. It must have looked totally ridiculous to an outsider: nearly 50 grown men walking around in a circle. I was determined to be open-minded and give it a try but I couldn’t help laughing, especially as we all came to a
The Bell
Woke us up at 4am every morning and rung several times a day for activities. halt when everyone found the person in front of them in the circle had stopped. I noticed that my right-hand neighbour had not joined us, so I took his lead and sat down again.
Day 2
Another 4am start. A little more difficult to get up that yesterday. I did manage to sleep on my Buddha pillow all night though (had to cheat half way through the first night and bring my coat out).
I found myself nodding off in sitting meditation today. At least you don’t fall fast asleep when you have no back support and feel yourself falling.
Some of the talks are from Ajahn Poh, the old abbot. He’s quite difficult to understand and the acoustics were not too good in the first half of the retreat due to them not being able to work the new sound system. Other talks, on the theory of Buddhism were given by Nun Piroh. Buddhist nuns wear white and shave their heads like monks do. Nun Piroh is a biochemistry lecturer who still supervises students in Bangkok despite taking the robes.
The Meditation instruction was given by Tan Dhammavidu, a British monk. He was quite funny.
My bed
Obviously, picture taken after packing, but there was only a mosquito net and blanket in addition to what you see here. And yes, the pillow is made of wood! He explained to us the meditation technique of Anāpānasati: “Mindfulness through breathing”. Apparently there are loads of ways of meditating but according to the people here, this is the one the Buddha himself used.
The chanting made me feel a bit uncomfortable at first. Again, I thought this was supposed to be a silent retreat! Still, I need to enter into the spirit otherwise what’s the point of being here? We chanted passages in Pali, the ancient Indian language in which the great Buddhist texts were written. There was no obligation to join in, just to attend, so sometimes I joined in and sometimes I didn’t.
Not only are we supposed not to talk to each other, we have to avoid eye contact and any “meaningful” gestures.
An important thing to note about this retreat is that there is no prayer here. A Christian retreat would be very different as it supposes a number of beliefs. Buddhism, in its original form, is more of a philosophy. You’re not supposed to “worship” the Buddha (“Enlightened One”), only follow his teachings as the “first Buddhist” to also become enlightened.
What kind of people come on a retreat like
Toilets
Actually, the manual flush sit-down toilet is very similar throughout Thailand. Although we were living a simple life in the retreat, this toilet was not particularly "roughing it" compared with the outside. this? Are we weird? Certainly, there was a great variety of people here: definitely not one type. But equally, most people would be put off coming to a place like this, so we were a different mix of people than from, say, my plane from Sydney. Yes, I’ll have to freely admit that we were all a bit weird!
Day 3
Never mind meditation, I’m having a lot of difficulty just sitting on the floor! This is something we’ve lost the ability to do in the West. I’m beginning to see what they meant by “luxurious beds and chairs”. Incidentally, the idea behind all that is that sitting on soft chairs makes you lazy.
But it’s nice to have a routine again. After two and a half months on the road, I’m somewhere where I don’t have to move from place to place, don’t have to cook or even think about what to eat. Also, I’ve locked my valuables away so don’t have to worry about them either. I’ve got to say too, that I find the silence quite nice. Talking can be pleasurable, but it also stirs up the mind and prevents you from having your own
Hot Spring
Very nice to sit in of an evening. thoughts.
Every day we’ve been here, it’s rained. They tell us that this is unusual at this time of year and that nearby and on Koh Samui there has been flooding. In a way, it makes me glad I’m in here as I’d only be disappointed being stuck on the island in this weather. Somehow, the weather fits the mood of what we’re doing and makes us think. It’s also appropriate to the talk I’m going to read tomorrow, which I picked up today after breakfast.
We were an international bunch. Mainly anglophones and a lot of North Europeans. Mainly white though.
I felt a lot more flexible after yoga this morning. Slowly, but surely, I’m getting into the swing of things.
Today, I counted 46 women and 47 men amongst us retreatants. The actual numbers may be slightly different as it’s difficult to count when you’re all seated, but will be near enough. It’s funny how the numbers from each gender match up. I had expected there to be more females than males here.
We’ve signed up for chores. Mine turns out to be the most pointless of the lot: raking around the meditation
hall. It’s not raking up fallen leaves, just leaving rake marks around the hall. I share it with another guy. It’s difficult to arrange things when you’re not allowed to speak to each other (or even make meaningful non-verbal communication). Almost by accident it’s worked out that he rakes after breakfast and I rake after lunch.
Today, I saw Lola sneaking some food from lunch away in a tub. We’re not allowed to have food in our room (partly due to ants). What a rebel! :-)
It’s so weird, knowing people’s faces but not their names. I’ve started giving nicknames. I’m sure I must not be the only one.
*
Lovejoy: looks like the character played by Ian McShane on UK TV. Sits to my left in the hall and on my table for lunch.
*
Jarhead: an American (I think!). Is quite short but muscular, with a curiously small head which he sticks too far forward when he walks. I think he’s going to have postural problems later in life.
* Heavy Breather: A guy two rows behind me. Goes into breathing in a BIG way. I think he’s using some weird meditating technique he’s learned somewhere else. He touches his torso and moves about in a most unsettling way. I find he puts me off my practice, but when I told Reinhardt, he said there was nothing he could do. He also wears camouflage and reminds me of Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket.
* Right-Hand-Man: not very imaginative, but the guy who sits on my right in lectures. Doesn’t bother with the walking meditation. I think he must have been here before.
*
Moby: a bald headed North American who looks like the famous music star.
* Codger: a guy who sits at my lunch table, next to Lovejoy. Looks like an old codger. No one on our table now recites the Food Reflection.
*
Gravity: a guy who saw my Bolivian Gravity Assisted T-Shirt and indicated to me he had also done it.
*
Phuket: an American I was talking to before the silence begun. Says he lives in Phuket.
* Stargazer: a guy who wears polo shirts from some observatory in NSW.
* Billy: a guy with a ridiculous Billy-goat style goatee beard.
Day 4
This was the day I did the morning reading. It was dark and my reading light blinded me to my audience. Possibly the best way for public speaking.
My talk was on Dukkha. This is a Buddhist concept often mistranslated as “suffering”. In fact, it means a whole scale of experiences ranging from dissatisfaction to outright suffering and is a useful concept to have to understand Buddhist philosophy. This must have been what the lady meant at my interview as I wouldn’t describe anything in this retreat as “suffering”.
My throat dried up halfway through: must be the effect of not talking for a long time. After the talk, I found that my mind was really stirred up and I couldn’t calm it for sitting meditation.
I’m finding the (individual) walking meditation good for my posture. Otherwise, I don’t get a lot out of it. However, I am getting nothing at all out of the evening Group Walking Meditation. I can’t decide whether it’s like the Monkees (farcical) or the Pied Piper (sinister). Either way, I go back to my room at that point and do more yoga to strengthen my back. I feel this is a better use of my time.
Today, I took the option of an individual interview to ask about meditation practice. Mine was with Tan Dhammavidu (the British monk).
Firstly, he was late. Secondly, he let someone else in the queue go first so I was waiting around quite a while to see him. Then, when I started to explain something one of the other speakers had talked about this morning, he got quite agitated and told me the organisers were teaching a load of rubbish and just confusing people.
For a monk, he seemed very acid. Over the course of my time there, I managed to piece together a bit of a life history. His real name is Ken. He must be in his late 50s, early 60s. He was born in Salford, near Manchester and spent some time growing up in Bristol. In his youth, he did all the drugs available at the time and spent a lot of time in Kathmandu on the hippy trail. Apparently, he also used to have problems with his temper. 10-15 years ago he came on a retreat here and decided (partly because he had run out of money and partly because he was thinking of it anyway) to become a monk. He cuts a curious figure in his orange robes, taller than most Thais, walking past the pond, carrying his umbrella.
Day 5
Even more difficult to get up this morning! I left it to the last possible moment.
Ajahn Poh told us that today is the King’s birthday. They really love their royal family in this country so I guess I’ll be missing some festivities outside. In here, life goes on as usual.
Heavy Breather is really putting me off now. No one else makes any noise. At breakfast, I saw him sniffing water out of his hands under the tap. Man, even on a meditation retreat, that guy is strange!
Songs which have been going through my head and I’ve had difficulty getting rid of:
- Jagged Little Pill - Alanis Morisette
- Beautiful Day - U2
- Lovely Day - Bill Withers
- Jerusalem (??)
- Revolution - The Beatles
- The Sun and the Rain - Madness
A bit of an eclectic mix! We hear no music here and I’m trying not to bring any on in my mind. It just happens. I think the constant bad weather provides an inspiration for some of these titles...
Something I like about this retreat is that it’s not airy fairy. There’s no “Om” or “Namaste” or “like, it’s so spiritual man”. They are telling us that if we follow these instructions on meditation, we can get some benefits out of it. That’s all.
They are amazingly blunt. I don’t know if it’s a Thai thing or a Buddhist thing. One of the “younger” monks, Tan Medhi, gave a number of talks that Ajahn Poh would have done: “Ajahn Poh asked me to give this talk because he says he is very old and my die soon, so he needs someone who can give these talks when he is not here”. In Britain, we would be far more obtuse about something like that.
Feeling really bored though. This is hardly surprising and to be expected. The challenge is how I deal with the boredom. The constant rain doesn’t make it much easier though. Nor, the lack of dry laundry in the damp air.
Skipped Group Walking Meditation again. We’ve been asked not to skip activities and to enter into the spirit of things, but I really don’t get anything out of it.
Day 6
In yoga this morning, I felt the benefits of the extra practice last night.
We briefly saw the sun this morning, until it went away again. However, I’m getting distracting thoughts now that are keeping me from my practice...
It’s interesting that I don’t find myself feeling hungry in the evenings, despite the last food being at lunch. I make sure I eat plenty then, so I’m not starving. Back home I have a habit of “grazing” and eating food because “it’s there”. In here, because I don’t see food, I don’t miss it. I think Lola’s wrong to smuggle food in here. I hear in the USA, people now talk about a “
Warrior Diet” where you only eat one meal per day. I think there’s something in this. A former colleague, Sumaira, eats nothing during the day; and my “host mother” in Quito, Blanca, did not eat in the evening.
There was laughter in the chanting this evening. The women had to chant some line high and then the men chant it really low. The men’s chanting was so awful to the ear! Right Hand Man and I looked at each other and cracked up laughing. It spread around the whole place. Some of the women take the chanting very seriously indeed. One sits in a prayer position, with eyes closed to show she’s memorised it. Other girls wear all white.
Day 7
It’s impossible to sleep soundly on concrete. I wake up several times in the night. I swapped the wooden pillow for my feather one some days back, though I do try to use it for short periods.
The boredom is even worse now than yesterday and I still have three days to go! All I want is to have a chat and a laugh with someone! Seems not much to ask...
However, my stress level is very low and I do feel very relaxed.
I think Heavy Breather has dropped out. Actually, I’ve been really surprised that the drop out rate has been so low. I think fewer than 10 people have left, yet I’d read the drop out rate was over 50%! (MISSING)Apparently, to discourage you from leaving, they make you go at night when the public busses have all stopped. You have to walk to the nearest town and the Wat will not give you a lift.
The ducks were quacking a lot this evening. I stopped meditation cos I couldn’t help laughing!
Day 8
This morning, the rain was so loud I could barely hear the bell! But, last night I managed to sleep on the Buddha pillow all night long.
Our washing facilities are basic. We have no showers. Instead, we have big water containers called “mandis”. We decant water into little containers and use that to wash ourselves or our clothes. We have sit-down toilets but rather than having a flush, we have to pour water down ourselves from little plastic pots filled from a bucket (actually quite a common setup in Thailand).
There are two natural hot springs. One is tempered with cold water, the other is very hot indeed. It can be very nice of an evening to soak in the spring, watching the fireflies.
Electricity is turned off during the day and between 9:30 at night and just before 4am.
The Buddhism taught here is different from the mainstream. As well as the emphasis on anapanaisti, the Buddhadhasa taught a controversial different interpretation on something called “Dependent Origination”. This is a major topic in Buddhist theory and he proposed that the religion had moved away from what the Buddha taught. But I’m not going to go into it in a travel blog!
At tea tonight, they sprung a surprise on us: on Day 9, there will be no instruction or talks or chanting. And we only get one meal: at breakfast! However, breakfast would be the same as our usual lunch (not the gruel). We’ve been asked not to read or write and just concentrate on the practice. It’s funny, I’ve gone from feeling bored to actually looking forward to tomorrow: at least it will be something different!
Day 10
Well, I kept my promise! No diary writing on Day 9! I honestly think this has paid off. Silence is a powerful thing, and the definition of silence includes not reading or writing.
I reckon I got about five minutes of good meditation yesterday. This may not sound like much, but these things are not easy!
The unstructured nature of yesterday was tough. Apparently, many retreats have all days like Day 9: I’ve been lucky to have had all the instruction at Suan Mokkh.
The food situation was not bad either. I’m quite pleasantly surprised to find you can survive happily on only one meal per day. It gives you more time and it’s only once a day that your blood races from your brain to your stomach to digest food. I stuffed myself at breakfast, then had a nap (which I needed anyway).
When Day 10 came, the two meals seemed like luxury!
In the evening, we had a “Celebration” where people were invited to take the mic and talk about their experiences. This was really weird as I could actually hear and learn about these people I’d spent the last 10 days with but didn’t know.
Moby is Canadian and works with the AIDS community. Stargazer is getting over the tragic death of his wife a year ago. Lola read a funny poem she’d written; one line to sum up each day. Billy gave a very weird speech. I also stood up and gave a talk.
Back in my room, I opened the chocolate bar I’d kept since Day 0. I had no real desire to eat it, but felt that “forbidden fruit” would be nice. It was horrible! The bar was Malaysian and apparently they make chocolate from cocoa powder down there. Yuck!
Day 11
The retreat officially finished at breakfast this morning! Very strange indeed to be able to talk freely and take photographs.
I took a sip of the hot chocolate and it tasted funny... it was coffee! It’s such a long time since I’d drunk coffee that it gave me quite a buzz! Thrills will never be this cheap again...
It turns out Right Hand Man is a South African called Grant. This is his fourth retreat and he’s giving serious consideration to becoming a monk. His next retreat is in just two days time...
Lovejoy is from Buckinghamshire. He spends three months a year in Thailand, mainly on one of the hippy islands in the Gulf, and has done quite a few of these retreats before.
I also spoke to Phuket. His name is Rick and as I intend going down to Phuket now, we’ve arranged to share a bus.
There was a farewell talk from Ajahn Poh, then a group photograph.
Uncharacteristically, it was a sunny day. My pictures will not capture the rainy reality of my time at Suan Mokkh.
We had to leave the retreat centre and go to the main Wat to have breakfast. I had more interesting conversations with people I’d only known as faces. One English girl told me that she used to spend all her holidays going to retreats and has now given up her job to go to as many as she can! Slightly scary.
At 9:30, we were given a monastery tour. It turned out to be rather more detailed that we’d thought, so Rick and I made our excuses and headed to the bus stop.
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ItchyAdventurer
Adam Ross
Wow
That sounds like is was such a unique and worthwhile experience - I'm very impressed. Thanks for sharing it; you're a talented writer.