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Published: March 6th 2009
Room at Retreat
Photo of my roomSo, here's the deal, I lasted 4 days. Not the first one to leave by any means, but still very shy of the 10 days. They were 17 hour work days which is a little insane and slightly cultish.
The rules and regulations:
No music
No books
No phones
No talking--ever
No passing notes
No writing material
Smile and make eye contact if you want but also never smile and never make eye contact if you desire.
There are no showers or private bathing areas.
You bathe with everyone else, in sarongs, never naked, in communal 'mandis' which are big concrete basins that are filled with water and open air. You use a dish--looks like a pet food dish--to scoop out the water and wash/rinse yourself.
No makeup
No jewelry
No luxurious bedding or sitting areas
Only use the straw mat on top of the concrete sleeping platform with the provided wooden pillow
No outside food/drink brought in
No electricity
Men and women are always separate
It was actually OK. The food was really good except I hate rice porridge and we had it every breakfast.
Amazingly, although I had some 'emergency' almonds in my backpack, I never
ate them. Chocolate soy milk really does fill me up for a nice liquid dinner.
I brought my yoga mat to sleep on and always travel with my own little pillow, so I broke those rules straight away, but from what I could tell, most others did too.
I did turn over all of my 'valuables' so I wouldn't be tempted EXCEPT I did keep a small journal.
And my mirror. There are no mirrors anywhere. What can I say, I am vain even in a monastery.
My notes
Day One
I'm setting up my room. So HOT. Wearing my iPod for the last time. Music never sounded so good. Having a naked dance party in my room with the door shut. I have never wanted to dance so badly. It hasn't even started and I am already thinking of partying when I get out of here. Was using the internet in town, but hurried out here to register and now wish I'd stayed in town a bit longer. We start the retreat in a couple of hours. Must go turn in iPod now...
Day Two
I dreamt of cushions. The yoga mat is nearly useless. Went
Mandi/Washing Basin
This is where we wash our clothes, brush our teeth, wash our faces. You can bathe here too but there are larger mandis for this by the toilets. to the supply room and 'stole' extra blankets for my bony hips. So freaking tired.
Soundtrack of the day in order heard in my head:
"Sleep Comes Down" Psychedelic Furs
"Sexuality" Billy Bragg (haven't heard this song in about 20 years have NO idea where it came from)"
"Clean Getaway" Maria Taylor
"Enjoy the Silence" and "Policy of Truth" Depeche Mode
"Circle" Natalie Merchant
"Circle in the Sand" Belinda Carlile
I'm not sure what I'm doing here or if I'll make it. The German girl next door has food, I can hear her chomping and crunching on something. The naked German girl in the bathing area annoys me. Doesn't she see everyone else wearing a sarong?? Why can't I be naked if she is?? Why does the Japanese girl keep getting fresh water from the spout? We're supposed to use the water in the mandi, even though it practically has moss growing in it and dead bugs floating around.
I hate not talking but I do smile alot.
Day Three Soundtrack of the day in order heard in my head:
"Fix Me Now" Garbage
"Say You, Say Me" Lionel Ritchie (oh yes, seriously. WTF is this song doing
in my head???!!!)
"Open Your Eyes" Lords of the New Church
"So Happy Together" (who sings this? really old song and I am thinking of Katie in my head...😊
I can hear the distant trains go by and I keep thinking: take me!
I smell cinnamon rolls. This is not possible. When I get home I want pecan sticky buns from Balthazar.
This morning I am thinking there is no way I am going to make it, but my morning meditation was really good, so maybe I will...
I told on the naked German. I am so petty for doing that. If she had a hot body I never would have told, but it was ugly and I didn't want to ever see it again.
One of the best meditations we have is the walking meditation at night by candle light around the lake. It's so lovely and peaceful and I really like this part of the night right before the last sitting meditation.
Tonight it ended in shrieks and screams as a lot of the girls stepped directly into a fire ant nest. It was like a horror show and I decided to go sit down and not
risk walking there.
My neighbor next door was eaten alive with the fire ants and I gave her some medicine. I think she is one of the many German lesbians here. What's up with all of these German lesbians doing silent meditation? Four of them shaved their heads before they got here. Weird.
The Japanese girl already left the retreat.
Day Four Soundtrack of the day in order heard in my head:
"Could you be Loved" Bob Marley (thinking of Kate😊
"There She Goes" The La's (thinking of leaving!)
"Gotta Get Through This" Daniel Bledingfield (trying to stay)
I think I need to be around more water to do this meditation. Some sessions I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not feeling like I'm getting much out of this. I want the ocean and the waves. It looks like everyone here has already been to the beach and I'm staring at their tan necks and the white bikini line around it. It makes me very jealous. I had a dream of buying Katie a new bikini. I bought her two and they not only were the same but it was exactly like the one she already
The Last Dance Party
dancing in my room with my iPod before handing it over... has. I had a dream I was sitting in a tree and all kinds of religious people were biking below me. There was every different religion represented and they were all dressed in various religious costumes. They saw me in the tree and were very angry that I was watching them.
The Swedish girls in this place are flawless. What's up with the gorgeous Swedes, huh? How do they get these tans so easily when they live in a Nordic country with little sunshine?
My skin is breaking out like I've never seen it from this damn dirty water. But does it affect the Swedes? No. So much jealousy. So unBuddhist.
The guided meditation is the best one but today was the last one they do.
I came here trying to figure out an answer to a very big question and tonight sitting under a tree in the middle of the lake (I swear) the answer came to me just clear as a bell.
In my room I heard someone's phone. Why did I turn in all of my valuables??
Today we had the opportunity to have monk/nun talks. I wanted to discuss my meditation practice and how I'm having trouble focusing. Her answer? I'm not sleeping enough at night. No shit. Maybe because I am sleeping on concrete and waking up at 4am! Her answer? You need to take some deep breaths and tell your mind it is time to go to sleep. Oh, if only it were that easy. I told her I even have trouble sleeping at home and she replied that I will have a very bad life. Whoa.
Since we are to abstain from all sexual practices while we are here, I wanted to know about the views of this sect of Buddhism on homosexuality.
"I think there is something wrong with their heads, don't you?" "No, I don't" "Yes, it is a problem. Besides what is the purpose of having sex?" "For pleasure" "NO! For procreation! And the homosexual cannot procreate so why have sex?!" Is this lady a former Catholic nun???
Needless to say it didn't go well with me hearing this and she goes on to say it's a genetic malfunction...Whoa.
I decided I would meditate for the rest of the afternoon and decide what to do. I decided to leave. I found "Pimtip" and asked her how I could leave. I could go tomorrow morning at 7am. OK, how do I get out of here? They picked us up at the wat and brought us here.... "You made your way here, you will find your way out." What kind of answer is that?!
Then she told me she could not organize my departure, that I had to find the monk and he was busy. OMG. Kill me now. I did find the monk after meditation that night and told him and he was actually quite nice about it.
I did 'sing language' to the German lesbian next door to me that I was leaving and she pulled me aside and started talking to me. Well, I guess if I'm leaving, I might as well break my vow of silence. I told her the story and she was equally horrified. She had done an interview that afternoon as well and was not pleased with the answers she received either. She decided to leave with me in the morning.
It was a 2K walk--with a 25 lb pack--to the highway. BUT, one of the kitchen workers got us a ride on one of the vans on the sly without anyone knowing! HA HA!! By 10am we were in Surat Thani on a bus to Khao Sok!
It feels so good to be free!!!
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I never would have made it either. It is something that sounds like a good idea, but I wouldn't have quite been able to pull it off. Have a great time in Khao Sok!