Bye Bye Pai

Day four at the '2001 Room For Rent and Dressmaker Hotel' and the fourth quintet of Thais to enter the room next to ours in as many days pulled up stakes early this morning. The rooms are small with a margin of less than a foot around the double beds in which to walk so I marveled at their nocturnal contortionism. Last night’s occupants had some monster electronic night light at work which pulsed in blues and reds. Through their thin curtains I got the impression that a traffic cop with police car was inside, working up an accident report. Taking multiple photographs of the five bodies sprawled inside. Another case of sleeping at the wheel. Thais have gotten larger since we started visiting here. Their proportions now approach those of Americans raised on a steady diet of Cheetohs and processed cheese spreads. This anatomical condition makes their room packing abilities all the more impressive. In fact, Bangkok Thais are camped out in every space imaginable here. They've set up tents inside vacant buildings. One evening there was a family of eight in the room at the end of our row. I went for a massage at my former teacher's place and discovered that he had rented out the large massage rooms as a backpacker dorms. He had a full house.

I ran into three female backpackers who had made the mistake of blowing into town after dark. They were forced to sleep under the stars in the back of the 'Mellow Yellow' bar for which they were obliged to pay 500 Baht. While many of the people here have kept their prices at pre-holiday rates others are gouging for every Baht they can get. I looked at a shack with shared bath at the 'Yellow Sun Guesthouse' and the owner quoted me 1,500 Baht a night ($45 US). I could only assume that he was throwing his wife in on the deal. Normal room rates in Pai are 250-400 Baht a night. The river through Pai is lined with tents and RV's. There are no toilet facilities provided so use your imagination. The streets are so tightly packed that you can barely move. Walking Thais do not move in straight lines. They wander about like Roombas. They look like lost toddlers searching Wal-Mart aisles for a parent. They photograph themselves incessantly. It is common to see a Thai walking down the lanes with his or her cell phone extended at arm's length and directed at themselves. It's all very odd.

Karen and I decided that 4 days of this were enough so we went to the bus station to buy tickets out of town. There were none. Every public bus and mini-bus was completely booked for the next two days. They offered us a private car for 2,500 Baht ($75 US) which is insane. To make a long story short we mentioned our problem to Dang who runs our favorite restaurant. She got us a ride for 500 Baht which was great. So the next morning Karen and I found ourselves on the backs of two scooters with our bags being taken to a parking lot. From there we transferred to a pickup truck which headed down a narrow dirt track. I told Karen that the situation had all the makings of a teen slasher film opening sequence. Karen was not amused. At the end of the road we came upon a large open area with a beautiful home and a big beer delivery lorry driven by Dang's brother. Our ride. He was heading into Chiang Mai to pick up a load for the thirsty people of Pai. We sat with him in the comfortable cab and made our way south. He spoke no English but he did smile a lot and that was good enough for us. In Chiang Mai we helped him unload the empty beer cases before continuing on to the bus station where he dropped us off. We booked bus tickets for the next day, stopped at the train station to book our return train tickets from Bangkok with Jan and Neil and went back to the Garden Restaurant/ Hotel. (Remember the Garden Stace? We ate there often enough.)

After a night in Chiang Mai we took the overnight VIP bus to Nong Khai. The VIP bus is a high class vehicle with pillows, blankets, legroom and reclining seats. The blankets are important as A/C in Thai buses has only two settings; off and arctic. The condensation on the bus windows was visually impenetrable. The bus's TV played an incessant loop of Thai music videos which always consist of a poor Thai girl's heart being broken when her boyfriend leaves her for a 'rich' girl or vice versa. There is a bathroom on the bus. You would have to be a Hobbit to use it. The doorway is 4 feet high. The interior, including the toilet, is constructed of highly polished steel which has been subjected to freezing temperatures. You DO NOT want to sit down under any circumstances. The assistant driver passed out cookies and beverages before crashing on the backseat. Karen and I had aisle seats. The girl next to Karen kept falling asleep and using Karen for a pillow. The young Thai lady/ boy next to me spent most of his time answering one of the three cell phones he carried with him. A lady/ boy is a gay Thai male who wears makeup but hasn't started cross dressing yet. They are common in Thailand and are never mistreated by the natives here. They have been a part of Thai life for generations. I couldn't have asked for a more courteous or better groomed travelling companion. The trip takes 12 hours and costs 525 Baht ($15 US) In the morning the assistant driver woke up and handed out cold face cloths, coffee and souvenir pens.

In Nong Khai we booked a room at the 'Sawadee Guesthouse' for 400 Baht with A/C and cable TV. We stayed there last year with Noah and found the Sawadee to be a great place to stay. The owner is an expert on the area and can answer all of your questions. We will spend the night here before crossing the border into Laos and heading to Luang Probang. Laos is a dirt poor country. Seventy-percent illiteracy rate and the average life span is 55 years. There is no medical care to speak of. Karen and I loaded up on antibiotics in Chiang Mai. Better to have and not need. Internet access is iffy at best but we will try. We plan to be back in Thailand on the 18th for our overnight train to Bangkok arriving there on the 19th. If you do not hear from us in 15 days let the State Department know. Just kidding. We think.....

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