Swimming with the fishes

There are two Ko Chang's in Thailand, the smaller island is over by Ranong in the west side of the Andaman coast. The bigger island is where we went and is on the east side where the access ferry port is Laem Ngop. The bus from Khaosan was straight forward apart from the one million red ants that decided to accompany me by milling around my head, shoulders and back areas, I was the only one on the bus scratching and slapping the buggers off me which was strange as there wasn't any crumbs of left over delights for them to make such a meal and bloody big fuss about.

I researched a place to stay that claimed to have sea views along 'Lonely Beach' with wireless internet and 40 channel cable TV. When we arrived the German owner was a bit blonde in his brain. The sea view was there, but there was no beach to sit on as it was all sharp rock. The TV didn't work at all, he actually told me (as if we were having a neighbourly chat over the garden fence) that he had a big argument with his cable provider and he refuses to pay this bill, why are some people so honest as it was too much info to be giving a fully paying customer (me) who is paying this money to have such services and all though there was internet I actually had to use a cat.5 patch cable that was only 2ft long, sit on the small bar where the router was, then hold the laptop skywards for it to work at all, as I am not an ambidextrous yogi just yet, this proved near on impossible to work with in a practical manner. Free wireless does not exist around here which is something that is disappointing and now costly especially after coming from the Latin Americas and getting our air wave time for free. The internet shops are on meters, its like being in an arcade most of the time, scrabbling around for a 10 bart coin for 15 minutes of web time, which i'm sure is only 12 minutes in real time.

We moved to Kai Bae beach and into a lovely family resort, the type of accommodation hard core travellers never admit or swear never to stay at, the ones usually seen advertised in the back of Sunday supplements or on telly text. We walked in off the street and negotiated our stay for £12.00 per night. We had maids that came everyday to change our sheets and shape the towels into swans on our enormous raft of a bed. The TV sucked as the HBO film channel came in all languages spoken within out of sync mismatched frames. They have the Ko-Chang internal channel, with its tinkle elevator music that subliminally seeped its way into my brain instructing me to buy into luxury sea view hotels (which we just did, but got away with paying backpacker ferang prices) along with plush sea food restaurants in the posher White Sands area north of the island, lush detox spas and fishing and diving trips. Then I found the DMC channel which is the 24 hour Buddhist religious channel with live streams from Dhammakaya centers around Thailand, Dhammakaya is the Thai version of Buddhism with a different leader to the more well documented Dalai Lama leader of Tibetan Buddhists. Its programmes are focused on the central characters which are orange robed monks sat in lotus within lavish interiors, there are no plots, nail biting scenes or adverts as they are trying not to teach us not to think at all, the monks explain the world of Dhamma in native tongue with English voice overs and sub titles underneath that runs from right to left, they meditate all day long, truly gripping stuff, this channel is as mind emptying as watching wood burn or fish swim. We brought our own entertainment with us from Bangkok which was more mind filling and sinister, DEXTER series one AND two. Michael C. Hall's (six feet under fame) plays a Miami forensics blood splatter expert by day and a serial killer by night. It had me gripped and biting my nails.

STRANGE TOURISM

Ko Chang is heavily populated by white western men who date Thai women. Here this phenomena has gone one step further than in Bangkok, as many were carrying, playing with or pushing baby strollers their combined off spring. The family scene was nice and endearing to witness and the affection between the couples looked genuine and loving, but there were serious sex tourists lurking about. Many older men that looked like a cross between a tattooed Giant Haystacks in a body thong and Gary Glitter (these days) that were publically slapping bottoms and holding hands with very nubile girls, at times it looked too odd for words. I found out that a lot of girls are for sale, there really is a mail order industry here images of Little Britain's Ting Tong often came to mind, the sex industry is massive all over this country, but the biggest customers are Asians themselves. But I didn't see any of that side as I was too busy studying the beer bars here that are lit low with reddish lamps, the tall bar stools is where the men sit, a young girl comes and sits with them, they play games like noughts and crosses, battle ships or Suduko depending on her intelligence, then the bar owners hire the girls out for 'a short time' (1 hour around 300 bart £4.00) or 'long time' which is up to all night around 2-3000 bart. They can be an escort for the whole holiday but this will cost the punter a small fortune with many hidden extras. I wondered how these relationships worked for a longer time than one night or two weeks, then one night my burning question was answered. It was about 3am when the entire resort was woken up by an argument between an older Thai Lady and a German Man. It went like this:

TL; Why you neber get drunk with me? You neber Link (drink) with me why? (she is crying hysterically and hoarse in her voice)
GM: Tee Ling.....(her real name, so Little Britain) calm yourself down now love, common stop all this.
TL: You alway shout me, hit me, I sick of you, when you friend come you change...(She sobs and gasp for more dramatic air) you show off, you say I too old for f**k now, you think I too fat, you neber link (drink) with me...why...why...wwwhhhhhyyyyyeeeeee?
GM; Tee Ling....really love, im tired we will talk more in the morning.
MAN IN NEXT ROOM (FRENCH I THINK) : We are all bloody tired, shut up now.
TL: See... you make scene.......... you embalass me all time. (S C R E A M I N G very loud now) I reave you now, I take no more morey (money) from you, I hab no where to lib, no one to go to, no famry (family), you be my famry now you dead man to me.
ME thinking: God she turned that one around, women are so strange!
GM: Ya ya.....look love Im going to bed now. Come on why don't you sleep it off, come on love.
TL: You never link the booze why? Same same all time....no fun, no fun YOUR NO FUN....crying hysterically.
ME (thinking): Ummm...Wise man not to drink with this hot wire!
TL: I know you hab nother lady you holid (horrid) fat man....
GM: If that what you think, but no I don't
TL: I see you rooking.....at fit girl.......you no f***y wib me ....and on and on she went....

Next day I find out she had been taken to the clinic earlier that day by the management of this resort as she has smashed a beer bottle and slashed near to her radial arteries in a dramatic suicide scene by the bar area. She had been drinking while on heavy pain killers, a very bad combo! See you can pay all this money to stay in a fine family resort but you can not guarantee the cliental will be of a high standard either as all manner of riff raff can still get in.

COLON CLUTTER

Seven days into this eastern time zone and its heavenly humid heat, I was still feeling groggy and very tired, my digestive system continued to feel congested and it was driving me insane. I felt the connection between blocked colon and tiredness that had to be freed up somehow. I decided now was a good time to do a full on colon cleanse. Being the time threading girl that I now am, while I was back in the UK I emailed various spa retreat centres in Thailand like in Ko Samui the colon capital to get prices for a basic detox cleanse, meditation come yoga package, I was surprised at how much these places charge just to give a basic room, broth and juices to sip, encouragement therapy and to stick a pipe up your arse to flush out the rotting debris. Some were priced in the regions of £300 per week up to £1200 per week, I know I am staying in a family resort but I am still a backpacker on a budget, I knew I could do this cheaper by my self. So I researched further a field and came across a colon classic, I could not believe what was promised to release itself post detox and as colon and bowel cancer are big time worries for people in the west I thought it time I looked after mine. The box cost £65.00 it contained 30 toxin absorber sachets which help clear off all the build up along the intestinal wall, it absorbs the toxins, heavy metals and fatty acids within the intestinal track, it consists of Psyllium seed husks, Apple pectin, Ginger root and Bentonite clay. Then you take digestive stimulating capsules that tones, cleanses and purifies the entire digestive system, giving support to normal bowel movements. The ingredients are Aloe leaf, Aloe Vera leaf, Cascara Sagrada bark, Chinese Rhubarb root, Triphala (Amla fruit, Chebulic Myrobalan fruit, Belleric Myrobalan fruit), Barberry root, Dandelion root, Fringe Tree root bark, Meadowsweet aerial parts, Plantain aerial parts, Ginger root, Fennel seed, Peppermint leaf, Fenugreek seed and Licorice root.

I started to reduce my food intake while in Bangkok to fresh non acidic juices, no dairy, fruits, broths, soups, fish and vegetables. Every day Id eat less and less. While in Ko Chang I waited 4 days until I was down to just juice and broth, then I started this programme. All I had to do was add the toxin absorber to fresh apple juice and shake it up, it fast became gluppy and tasted of strong ginger which went well with the apple juice, it filled my stomach as it swelled and absorbed then clung to my struggling colon. I took the digestive stimulator's just before bed which made my stomach make strangling noises, it sounded like I was imploding from within, it felt as if I was on fire at the same time. I woke up with that 'has the tooth fairy/Santa/Easter bunny come yet' but nothing happened. I still felt blocked and bloated as I gulped down the next batch of goo. But during the following day things were moving within, by the second day night time it was all systems go go go, it really did start to eliminated years worth of body clutter. I felt lifeless and drained, it was very humid and lathergy engulfed, so I did nothing, I rested and read books with my new reading glasses and sat staring at the silent monks on DMC TV, as they were emptying their minds and clearing out their consciousness, I was emptying my colon and clearing out my bowels.

After 3 days of repetitively dreaming of steak medallions dripping in garlic butter I was only allowed to digest 15 toxin buster sachets, gallons of apple juice and bottles of water. Then it happened....something weird came out. I inspected it using a stick and the only way to describe this stuff was a long thick rubberised patchwork mass of my preserved carnivorous plaque history, it contained various textures and strengths of rancid old solid clumps of meat, residues of processed foods, whole sweetcorn which I have not eaten in weeks, smashed up blackened peppercorns and husks of popcorn, I guess corn doesn't really digest much. There was a pair of plimsoll laces that I swallowed as a bet at school, an old five pence coin (the big one from the 1980's) and something totally unidentifiable and very alien that Id be happy to donate to science. Most days it just silently and cleanly fell out from my rectum, it didn't smell. As I scooped it up to have a good look and it was just like holding up a big wide rubber band, it bounced but never broke off, Gillian McKeith would be very proud.

After 5 days of cleansing and eliminating Id finished, I dont think there is anything alien left in there. I had to take it steady to eat again, so I was back on the fruit salads and juices as solid foods would put me in a colon coma and give me possible prolapsed intestines, food suddenly tasted divine, I needed to increase my food intake as slowly as I had decreased. Post cleanse, I felt very different. I had no cramps, no discomfort in the intestines/colon area any more, it felt clear.. My skin glowed, my eyes were noticeably brighter and the darkish circle under my eyes went away. I might have lost weight but I could not weigh myself anywhere here, my tummy felt as though it had reduced in size, but I need to do loads of pelvic floor and stomach crunches to get me to look anything like our modern day pop Madonna. www.blessedherbs.com delivered as promised. But, the most noticeable part was my energy levels, it was through the roof. I wanted to run a marathon, even swim with the fishes in the big bad sea, this kind of silly thinking is normally unheard of coming from me.

(I have listed a photo, it's gross but I know you curious health freaks and other weirdos out there will want a look. So for those who don't wish to see what came out of me iv tried to add it last to help hide it abit.)

SWIMMING WITH THE FISHES

Stu booked a boat trip, he mentioned that there will be a little bit of snorkelling but then we will visit four of the near by islands, have a lovely lunch and it will be a great day out, he never suggests things like this to me in this lovely fluffy glow, so I became instantly suspicious of his intentions especially as there was deep water and sea creatures involved, to do a little bit of snorkelling there has to be something lurking out there to see. We stepped onto a massive boat with hundreds of life jackets and snorkel masks everywhere, I thought it was a little excessive for a small trip with only one promised snorkel excursion. We went to the first island, I wouldn't call it an island as such, more of a great rock with a few scant trees scattered around it. Stu asked me to give this snorkelling business a try, junior school kids and French pensioners were jumping from the decks straight into the water, I suddenly felt as if I was stood in front of the universal fear committee, but it was just Stu and I with my fear that looked back at me telling me it was evil and ill surly die if I do it. My ego also didn't want to look stupid sitting by myself on deck while everyone, and I mean everyone, was in the sea. So I assessed the environment scanning it for any health and safety excuses in order to bail out with some kind of grace, but there wasn't any. The sea was crystal clear, I could see to the bottom, the sun was out which lit up the darker bits around the rocks even more. With half my colon gone I wouldn't sink half as much as I would have maybe last week, Jaws 1, 2 and 3 all died by 1985, Spielberg only created talking extraterrestrial space beings and very extinct land mammals after this time. I had a life jacket securely on that gave me a slight wedgy but it was not coming off. The tour guide on the boat was a cutie and very sympathetic to my dilemma. Stu was by my side breathing for me like I was having a baby or something. I had no choice as step one of my sea, tsunami, rip tide and sea creature recovery programme was in full motion. I breathed in and out a bit too deeply then felt dizzy, I calmed myself down by thinking of winning the Victoria Cross for bravery and still being alive to receive it in person at Buck Palace. It took ten minutes to climb over the edge of the boat and lower myself in to the water. My heart was thumping outside the life jacket, which may have caused a mini tidal wave around the near by Cambodian coastline.

I was in deep water, my legs were cycling below me as the life jacket made me bob and tip sideways. I put the snorkel in my mouth and could hear myself breathing like I was on the moon. Stu waited by my side for 8 minutes, after another 6 minutes he suggested I should try get my hair wet and put my face under the water.....ohhhhhhhh.....this was it. I hovered above the surface too long so I went under. With my eyes firmly shut behind the plastic goggles I couldn't see the point of it all. I heard Stu shouted to me something that sounded like 'mwahh, mmmwhahh, mouwwhhh, mwhhh' which translated as 'Claire, you should try open your eyes and maybe breathe now'. It was fast becoming a patting head and rubbing tummy situation, open my eyes and breath at the same time, how do people do it? I have technically had 40 years of practice doing this manoeuvre every day. I started to relax with the odd panic attack creeping up when salt water got into the funnel and the life jacket popped me up the other way giving me a bigger wedgy that needed serious alteration, then water got into my mask which steamed up, panic....But I relaxed again and then floated like a star fish, as I floated I saw bright fish, schools of them feeding from the vibrant coral. It was like being on the moon, not that iv been there yet. What an arse iv been thinking I couldn't do it. Easy stuff.

Back on the boat I was so happy and relieved it was over. We set sail to the next rock there was no beach at all, id been had, blow me we did it all over again, this was technically a proper snorkelling trip, there was never going to be any beach time on lush white sandy islands, everyone around me were snorkelling fanatics and keen to jump right in at every location. The third mini island was the best, the cutie captain grabbed my hand and took me around the coral, as I cleared my mask and blew out my snorkel like a big white whale he divined down to the bottom and picked up various sea creatures for me to look at and hold. He poked the under water flowers that snapped shut when we swam past them. I felt like the reverse of Daryl Hannah in Splash, when she was on land and living in the city looking lost and confused when she saw an electrical appliance. This was my Barnys.

We did four snorkels and man it was good. I was on such a high when we got back and now cant wait to do it again.

I left my sea fear, half my bloated colon and that bloody heavy Booky Wook at the hotel where it only took 12 minutes before some cool chick picked it up and was laughing by the pool with it, thankfully for her there were no Arabs around. My work here is done.

We were dropped of in Bangkok along a strange ally way, this lead to an amazing street that has the same vibe as Khoasan Road its called Rambutttri Road which has much more chilled and quiet atmosphere to it, it doesn't have all that banging music coming from every restaurant and CD sales man. The prices for rooms are more reasonable but the rooms book up fast, the hotels all have Full signs around 4.30pm. They don't allow you to book in advance, they tend to lose email bookings as the off street demand is so high. I actually slept without the use of earplugs, waking up to the sound of a cockerel crowing and birds twittering, a vast difference to the hustle and bustle of Khaosan that is only 100 yards over the road.

I was sat having my lunch of yummy Tom Yum Gong when an elderly man with his belly hanging out started telling me the history of this one very drunk Thai lady who was pestering some other tourist for money. He told me his name, where he was from (north of England Im afraid to say) He was giving me a running commentary about the drunk woman. It went like this:

ST: (Obvious Sex Tourist) Hi Im blagh....from Blagh....
Me: (Silence.. I order my food asking the waitress for a 'little' spice in my Tom Yum)
ST: You know the word in Thai for little?
ME: (Silence...I get book out)
ST: Nit Noi means small, tiny...like that little cutie over there (nodding his head with raised eyebrows towards the toothless girl)
ME: 'And Ill have a water melon shake please' (said to the waitress)
ST: She is really hassling that woman for cash, don't even look her in the eye if she starts on you.
ME: (Not looking him in the eye.. I say nothing at all).
ST: She's quiet f****able really look at her toned limbs and tight arse....shame she has no teeth...she is a Noi..
ME: (He is A NOI_ING....hell get me out of here) Thank you. (said to waitress for my drink)
ST: I heard she is the only one who robs you blind when youre pants are down, know what I mean?
ME: (How in hells name would I know what he meant?) I slupped soup.
ST: Its been lovely talking to you, what did you say your name was?
ME: (I got up and left) im not normally this rude.

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