WELCOME TO BANGKOK!

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Note: having laptop trouble and the internet cafes here have no microsoft word and hence no spellcheck, sorry for the inevitable spelling errors!


"Welcome Bangkok" says the taxi man when he drops us off at the Ko San Road. To discribe the Ko San Road as a street is wholly inacurate, its a living breathing entity, the best analogy would be to say its kind of like Mos Eisley, the desert town featured in several of of the star wars films. The fact that mos Eisley doesnt exist gives you an an idea of how unreal the place is!

I step out of the taxi and the smells hits you, our nostrols are assailed by the combined stench of a score of street food stales selling everything from cheese burgers to fried cockroaches as big as you fist, then you notice the people. White guys in dreadlocks, black guys in dresses, tapdancing dwarves and worst of all 50 year old men in combat trousers groping 18 year old thai girls. Below all the blinding neon signs adversing everything guesthouses to fake driving lisences and degrees and swerving 3 wheel Tuk Tuks, a bar has "We do not ask for ID" proudly displayed above its door and a grizzled old woman walks up and down holding a sign promising "F*cking good beer only 50 bhat" I half expected to see Han Solo and Chewbacca sitting on the terraces of some of these places. Holding station above this thronging mass is remote control flying plastic penis.

On second thought Star wars has nothing on this place.

I check us into the D&D hotel and while Niamh hits the showers I pop out to soak up the atmosphere, within seconds i'm surrounded by Touts. To imagine what it is like being ambushed by Bangkok touts think of the experience of being a small boy surrounded by lots of distant relatives pulling at your cheek and telling you how they remember the day you were born , then imagine said relatives making popping sounds with their mouths and insisting you follow them to some crazy activity, the activities in question normally involves something unmentionable involving table tennis balls or drinking the blood of a freshly killed snake.

The Thai touts will try to pretty much sell you anything and the answer to any request is always "no problem".Popular pitches are MASSAGE?, F*ck it have a bucket? and most of all "Pop pop you want to see Ping Pong show?"

Whatever your fancy or desire wether it is for a place to stay,watch a bare knuckle boxing match, see a temple or to gawp at a young woman shoot inanimate objects from her private parts these are the guys to talk to and nothing is ever a problem. I politely decline all the offers shouted to me and privately thought how much more efficient Dublin City Council would be if they hired a few of these lads.

Once I'm clear of the touts a lady by the name of Penelope attaches herself to my waist and promises to welcome me to Bangkok, it is worth noting that the lovely Penelope has a more of an Adam's grapefruit then an adams apple and a set of shoulders that would make her eligable as injury cover for Stephen Ferris.

I promptly distangle myself from Penelope, buy my water and make my way back to the hotel, I just can't face this street jetlagged.

During daylight the street is a different beast entirely and early morning its almost quiet, aside from running the guantlet of suit trailer outside the hotel, one of them after figuring out where im from has taken to chasing me down the street while speaking excellent Irish. Off each main street is normally a warren of small alleyways selling everything from lottery cards to DVD's of the latest blockbusters complete with unintentionally hilarious subtitles. As I was a bit delicate I soon learned to navigate these back alleys in order to avoid the attention of touts trolling the main roads

My Cousin Ashling is as it turns out is over in Thailand and we've agreed to go out for a few drinks and a bit of noodles this evening.

We meet Ash and her friend Denise and decided to go for a bit of food and then head back to the Ko San Road for "One Drink" in the Golf bar, which is the bar I mentioned above that takes pride in not asking for ID. One drink becomes a few cocktails and a few cocktails becomes a few buckets of said cocktails. As the night went on my memory got a bit hazy but I do remember me getting very friendly with the life size statue of ronald Mcdonald and The night culminating in the 4 of us dancing around an old womans beer cart with some Argentinean tourists we meet during the course of the evening, the old womans cart being the only place servnig alcohol by the time we went to bed.This old woman also had BBQ locusts for sale although thankfully I didn't manage to psych myself up enough to eat one. Myself and Niamh eventually staggered home to the warmth and comfort of the hotel bed or strickty speaking the bathroom floor in my case.

The next morning was painful and to make matters worse we actually had boring things to do like changing our plane tickets and booking a bus to the islands. Qantas's office downtown was our first stop and in order to get there I decided we would take a TUK TUK. A tuk tuk is a 3 wheel moterbike and tuk tuk drives are well known for their unscheduled stops during their journeys. During the day these journeys include dodgey travel agents and Jewellers and at night they normally involve shows that certainly arent table tennis.

Mr Tuk tuk eventually got us to our destination after trying to steer us toward a gem shop, a "special" travel agent and suit trailer. Its worth mentioning that the gem shops the tuk tuk men bring you too you are often locked in and not allowed leave until you buy something so be firm and tell them strictly "no shopping stop" Mr tuk tuk is incentivised to bring you to all these places because he gets a big dollop of commission for whatever you spend.

Aldrealine is a great hangover cure, Tuk tuk drivers drive their trusty steeds like I play mario kart after a few beers and we had to hold on for dear liife as he drove and weaved through probably the most insanly unpredicable traffic I have ever seen, . Niamh after a few seconds had decided to close her eyes and was consistabntly taking the lords name in vain over and over again.

Plane tickets booked we also sorted out a bus down to Phi PHi island, which looks absolutly amazing, the Beachm was filmed in this area and I've always had this on my must see from there.

Final day in bangkok we checked out and left out bags in storage for the day while we checked out the Grand Palace. I was a bit worried about the luggage storage considering that previous people who signed in went by the name "Tazmanian Devil" and "Elmer Fudd" but hopefully our gear will be there when we get back!

The Palace itself some piece of archetecture and you could stare at it all day if you could put up with the throngs of tourist jostling for photos. Bear in mind that temples require a strict dress code so should you not be properly togged out you need to hire cloths to make you less revealing. Thankfully I only had to put on one extra pair of long trouser but naughty Niamh required a full makeover in order to be let in the door!

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Photos

Supercop
Watching your back on the Ko San Road!