Published: December 13th 2010December 9th 2010
I just wanted to give everyone an end of the year (and most likely my existence) Happy Holidays update. I’m sure my readers are well aware the highly misunderstood senescent ‘Dear Leader’ Kim Jong Il and his chubby faced progeny are soon to be chucking missiles over the 38th parallel and onto my head like my brother Mark and I used to do with rolled up sock grenades over the couch in the mostly misremembered days gone by. I was hit by many a sock then and I’m sure my luck in avoiding launched destructive devices hasn’t changed much since then. But I have no plans of letting my sure death get me down this holiday season and my stocking has just as many candy canes as it does anti-radiation poisoning syringes. Ho Ho Ho. I’m just kidding, there’s no cure for radiation poisoning. While I haven’t been this sure of the downfall of humanity since Liberals began ripping the moral fabric of the universe by attempting to tax the rich I have no intention of letting that stop me from buying tons of gifts to send home, which I’ll undoubtedly procrastinate mailing until long after the skin has sloughed off
my bones. Hopefully the looters will see that they get there. This whole, very unfestive ordeal sadly will mean the destruction of an urban area of 25 million people that’s so safe and crime free that you could lie down and go to sleep in the middle of the sidewalk with your wallet on your chest without worry of theft or molestation. Not that I’m planning on testing that theory with the irradiated zombies that’ll soon be patrolling the streets. But not all is bad this holiday season a female Korean teacher (friend of a friend) here in Seoul, recently found love.
The pure unadult
erated love of a 14 year old boy. I’m not one to judge during the most festive of months and so I wish her the best with her likely divorce and remarriage to this young man, who is a mere three years older than her elementary school son. The internet commenters are blaming her time spent abroad rather than any inherent error in Korean DNA or society which are unimpeachable to say the least. The nice thing about people making comments on the web here is that all comments are attached to their ID
My dong (neighborhood).
Nobody likes to get blasted in the dong.
numbers meaning it’s not anonymous. The subway might be the best place to hide from the nuclear blast but I refuse to head down there because some elderly women have been showing a distinct lack of the Christmas spirit of giving, unless you count the giving of punches to little girls
(alas the clip of this has been taken down, it was awesome).
Although old wrinkly pajama wearing "Time to get" Il is about to split atoms all over our asses, unless you read the news or the concerned emails of family and friends you wouldn’t even know that death was at our collective door. No one here talks about it, although to be fair, like 1950’s America, they don’t talk about much around here. A guy beating his wife isn’t okay, but it’s less okay to talk about it. Healthy.
Possibly the worst part of this whole ordeal is that after North Korea destroys us righteously and without pity, the survivors will all have to watch sucky t.v.
While living abroad will make you an inadvertent math genius because of all the conversions you have to do, I’m not exactly sure how hot the soon
to arrive nuclear blast is going to be on the Fahrenheit scale, but it’s somewhere between five- and ten-thousand degrees Kelvin, which will be a nice break from this winter.
I also thought I’d try some new holiday fare and got some prepackaged Indian food that was “ready to eat” they forgot to write “by people who want horrible diarrhea.”
I can't believe I survived the great kimchi shortage
of 2010 and now I'm going to let something small like nuclear war get me.
Thanksgiving was the normal expat approximation of what you’d find back home except with friends instead of family, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing as it makes one of the invitees coming out of the closet a lot less awkward. Here’s looking at you Steve.
Things to be thankful for this year: The Chiefs
winning the Superbowl in my lifetime. I know this is wishful thinking, there's no way I live until February.
which provides me with not only endless entertainment but also keeps me informed with useful information like: Urkel is Sonic the hedgehog’s voice, and the dad from The Fresh Prince voiced Shredder in the TMNT cartoon. The redhead in
Not out of the bag yet
Just another adorable mammal about to be blown to smithereens.
Dazed and Confused who Wooderson likes is the twin sister of Giovanni Ribisi and the wife of the singer Beck. I feel like Beck can do better than the twin sister of the guy who always plays retards, because, well, he looks retarded. Mari Pau
, keeps a smile on my face pretty much every second of the day and went all out for my birthday lavishing me with gifts, a surprise party and overall thoughtfulness and consideration. What more could a boy of 25 ask for? My expat crew
, I’ve met some good folks on this side of the Earth. Most of who are pictured in my Christmas card, and four of them went to the University of Kansas. R.C.J.H. And lastly
, I’ve seen Akira so I’m pretty excited about the possibilities of a post nuclear government state Neo-Seoul, even though I won’t be around to see it. After I die, please update my Wikipedia page weird people who update Wikipedia pages.
Anyways, I know all this talk about the beginning of the end of world peace and my far too early death in a glorious hail of fire from the sky isn’t too merry or bright, I hope I
On top of all the missiles we have to worry about Godzira seen here assaulting a tiger.
didn’t get anyone down, and if so, there’s always next year (for some of us)!!!! Merry Christmas and a happy New Year! Best teacher nickname
: They call the discipline teacher AIDS because they say he will kill you. Best books to read if you’re down
: I just finished Grapes of Wrath and A Fine Balance back to back, which will end your depression one way or another, either with suicide or because you realize a lot of folks have it a lot worse than you do. Best show on TV these days
: Modern Family, although Community will occasionally pull off an amazing 22 minutes of TV, see the Halloween episode. Best way to learn English on the internet
you can 1. Learn English. 2. Get exercise. 3. Survive a robbery. Best song I've heard lately: Nantes by Beirut
I can feel it in my pluuuuuuuuuuuuuuums
Great ideology creates great times. ~ Kim Jong Il, No one contests that North Korea knows how to have a great time.
I'm pretty sure both of her eyes are lazy. ~ Anonymous friend of mine
Front row from left, Pauline, Sharon (weird crouch) Hien, me, Maria, Kat, Adam, Kenny. Back row: Saul, James, Mike, Steve, Jin. At my surprise birthday party.
Beaver sucks! ~ Written on a student’s desk.
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