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Published: September 2nd 2009
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Seoul
Some painting thing I stole from the internet. Things have been pretty tough thus far, mostly due to my poor language skills and the fact that I still haven't forgiven them for Pearl Harbor. I arrived alive and well obviously. Korean Air is crazy nice, I watched four movies and the stewardesses were geishas who could've been air hostesses in the 60's. Plus I was in the middle of the middle aisle so I could pick what side I wanted to get my food and drinks from. Would I like a pack of peanuts even though I just got one from the other side? Absolutely. Is anyone else reminded of Tommy Boy waiting at the luggage carousel watching all the bags nicer than theirs go by? I feel like Koreans don't get enough credit for being tall, there are some Yao tall Koreans running around. Adam thought he was finally going to be normal sized. Nope, keep trying little buddy. They absolutely love watermelon here. I haven't been around this many people who love watermelon since high school. I've eaten plenty of madness, most of which I can't even identify but including: omnipresent kim-chi, seaweed soup, rice, green tea rice porridge, rice water (beverage), sweet rice (desert), rice dumplings,
Korean Tiolet
You pop a squat over this, and go about your business. rice paper, rice jelly, and my coteachers gave me a box of "candies" which turned out to be gelatinous rice cakes colored and flavored with, oh, nothing, they just taste like rice but are different colors. We clearly need to discuss what makes something candy. They have a delicious cinnamon persimmon drink. Wikipedia informed me that persimmons are used to both cure (cooked) diarrhea or (raw) loosen bowels. Not sure how that works exactly, but the stuff in the juice must've been raw. The first week we were here we were quarantined so as not to infect people with Pig Flu (Colombia's president Uribe just got it incidentally) while we did an orientation. If we got diarrhea we were supposed to notify the officials to be quarantined to our rooms. As we were 550 foreign just-arrived, sleep deprived, jet lagged teachers eating food/bacteria for the first time, this served to separate us into two groups; the quarantined and the liars. The orientation was really useful, the best teacher training I've ever had but stereotypes abounded. One of the discussion leaders was asking us all what we did yesterday then to the only black guy in the room, "did you... play
Taekwondo Presentation
This was awesome, people jumping all over breaking boards. basketball yesterday?" The first day the orientation leader was giving an intro and dropped this gem: "The dongs are smaller in Korea." He was discussing Dongs, which means neighborhood (thus the blog's title), in the context of Gu - larger neighborhood, Dong - smaller neighborhood but I found it maturely hilarious anyways. The stereotype is also why I learned this useful Korean proverb to drop some wisdom on my Korean urinal mates in the bathroom, 남의 떡이 더 커 보인다 (Someone else's rice cake always looks bigger). There are no dryers in Korea which sucks because I like to wear my t-shirts a little small to show off my impressive pecs which are actually 80% blow dried chest hair. My favorite candy here is delicious, it tastes like an apple laffy taffy but is really sour and is called... just kidding, how the hell do I know what it's called, it's in Korean. My roof is taller than all the other roofs so I can see what crazy stuff all these Chinese people do on their roofs. Yoga, gardens, baseball cages, all sorts of stuff. There's a park nearby with a rubber track around it, I went to jog on
Panic Room
This was when we all found out where we were going to be placed. There was a lot of crying as married couples and friends were torn asunder. it yesterday and it was completely packed with slow walkers so it became less jogging and more Evade-an-Asian which is certainly more entertaining than just running. I've never been a believer in cross walks as I am of the opinion that they are designed to get you killed, which has been reinforced by almost twice getting hit crossing the street walking to work. I have therefore reverted to the much more logical going when there are no cars but I feel like I'm going to get someone else killed as people usually go when I go, but I run and they walk and frequently find themselves in the middle of the road with cars coming. The trash disposal system is super complicated here and until I figure it out I've just been Shawshanking it. Kind of gross keeping banana peels in my pants' leg but what am I going to do. My comforter smells of black pepper and the toilet paper is green tea scented. A fun game to introduce to children in the US, boys here poke their fingers into each other’s bumholes and run off. Great fun. The kids at the school have one of two reactions to
Kansas
What I told my kids Kansas looks like pretty much all the time. my presence, they either scream an English word and laugh or get super embarrassed, look down and take off. One chubby little fellow today slammed right into a wall. My first few days can be largely summed up with the single word, awkward. Thank goodness everyone treats me like I’m retarded b/c I certainly run around smiling like one. When they do a microphone check here instead of the check one, check two they do a I, I, I, I…. which I couldn’t stop laughing as I finished with “want the kniiiiife, pleeeeease.” I already joined a Yakuza gang, which wasn’t easy since they are Japanese. I’ve replaced the awkward Colombian fake cheek kiss with awkward bowing, so there’s that. They have what I call Little Mermaid soup, it has these mushrooms in it that look like what Ursula changed the merfolk into if they couldn’t pay the price and needed to be raked across the coals. I got caught taking an extra milk in the cafeteria, it’s apparently quite the crime as I received a public caning. Old women are very respected here, and therefore apparently get to cut in line anytime you are at the store. It’s hard
My Dong
I feel like pictures never do dongs justice. to box them out b/c they are so small. Boys (and drunk men) hold hands while walking down the street. Touching really, between that and the butthole poking game it’s a miracle anyone gets pregnant around here. There's a Korean man who practices karate (or taekwando or whatever ninja skills they teach here) in the park that I walk through to work everyday. He's crazy good but has a stump for an arm, so his reach leaves a bit to be desired. My apartment is technologically advanced if small, with a video screen for who is on the other side of the door and a palm pad in place of a lock. There are many round eyes in the building with me which is nice. I hope you all are well, I will continue to be mock ethnocentric and disparaging of all things non -American.
Korean Music: Drunken Tiger - Korean rap with English thrown in to show he’s got US ghetto street cred.
Korean lost in translation: Please give him big hands. I’ve heard this, as in applause, from like 7 different Koreans. All I think about is that video game World Heroes for the Neo Geo which
Korean Fire Escape
You take the rope out of this tackle box. I beat with only one quarter with Rasputin who had big hand attacks.
Korean Film: You should see The Host, which was kind of the spiritual inspiration for Cloverfield.
Korean Cultural Guide Book: In my bag, unread, as I blunder through life as culturally insensitively as possible.
Glaring example of the failure of the public school system,
타이론
I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted. - Kevin, The Office.
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address. - Lane Olinghouse (incidentally I have an address now if anyone needs it)
A Korean reporter once asked me, "Do you think your Korean parents are ashamed because you talk about what you talk about on stage?" I said, "I don't think they're ashamed because they're Korean. I think any parents would be ashamed." - Margaret Cho, Korean American comedian.
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watch for falling americans...
I bet i would make it two stories before either the rope broke, the anchor came out, or the buidling came came down on top of me. Who am I kidding, I doubt the rope would even slow me down once i left the window.