The Legend of the Korean Hiker

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High atop the craggy mountains it stands; the fresh air toying with the fabulously curly wisps of black magic that poufs out of a practical neon orange visor that blocks the hazy sun from its eyes. Both hands clench a sharpened stick that is said to help thrust its body up the steep trails but is basically a ski pole in the right place at the wrong time. But the clothes are what make this specimen really shine. Starting at the feet we see state of the art hiking boots. The chunkier the better. Tight black pants which may have a pink stripe up the side if they are feeling saucy. The windbreaker will most certainly match the pants pulling the outfit together in some inexplicable harmony. But what makes this creature so mysterious and yet completely the opposite of elusive is this mask that leaves only the windows to the soul bare. What a magnificent beast the Korean hiker is.

I, on the other hand prefer to go hiking looking like a total scrub. I desire to look like Jack Kerouac just stumbled out of the forest after three weeks of hitchhiking and camping. Roughed up tennis shoes, faded cut off shorts, a bohemian-esque tank top, and jewelry that looks like something I bartered a Native American for. And don’t forget the sunglasses. Just in case I run into some hipsters taking a drag up by a pine tree or something. So you can imagine the shock I give the Korean hiking machines when they see me stumbling down a hill and sweating profusely out in the middle of nowhere. It aint pretty.

“Where is your family?” asked the young Korean mother waiting for her plump child to cross the rope bridge that the trail planners decided to stick in the middle of a mountain for entertainment and challenge purposes. Maybe it’s military training disguised as recreation? ANYWAYS, I responded America. This confused her.

“Ummm, miguk. I am American. My parents do not live here.” She seemed saddened by this news.

“Your child is cute!” I gushed in an effort to make things better. She just looked at me as if I had just revealed myself as an orphan who treks the countryside putting Korean infants in my knapsack.

“Oh look, there’s a….tree.” And with that I walked away.

I didn’t have a plan on where I was going, just knew I wanted to go UP. And so up I walked. I got a rush of endorphins and decided I would jog the trail. I jogged by a Korean family in all matching outfits who were primly making their way to the lookout. My backpack bounced comically up and down and I sang along with my Ipod most likely ruining the poor people’s day. But I think when you’re running on leaves and through trees it makes sense to sing Freddie Mercury as loud as possible. Sure there is no glitter, nudity, suspenders, or suspicious moustaches out in the wilderness but “Don’t Stop Me Now” seemed to fit the day perfectly.

The hill became steeper as my energy went lower. But what pray tell is this? Two masked crusaders of the mountain, stealthily making their way and looking totally energized. WHERE DO I GET A NEON BLUE ZIP-UP? IT MUST BE WHERE THEY DERIVE THEIR POWER! As I sat on a rock they passed me by, not acknowledging my glum face. It was time to step it up.

So I rocked it. I got a burst of energy from my Doctor You bar and pushed like hell to make the look-out. I WAS THERE. And it was not so impressive. The view was nice but the Korean couple was blocking it with their photo shoot and their hiking costumes were all over the one bench that I had planned to die on. They are so crafty. But I know their game. I took off my sweatshirt because I was sweating bullets. My bare shoulders glinted in the setting sun. THAT’S RIGHT YOU BRIGHTLY COLORED SO CALLED OWNERS OF THE MOUNTAIN, I KNOW YOUR WEAKNESS. Appalled by my shocking show of skin, they got the hell out of there. I enjoyed the peace and stillness of the mountain and then headed back down into the belly of the hiking beast.

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Comments

[duane arthur]

i enjoyed this one. was this somewhere up in seoul after you got your saucy new haircut and coloring? a miguk with newly-colored locks, bare shoulders, cut-off shorts, and shades...yeah, they musta left pretty quickly. it is amazing how they all think the bright colors, visors, and walking sticks really looks cool. i know they're not out to look fashionable, but.....whatever.

[Uncle Larry]

Korean hiker
Hannah, What a gift with words. Loved reading your adventure. Enjoyed this almost as much as the Christmas one wherein you relived your childhood memories of your mom trying to make you realize just how important to life itself was an appreciation of the music of Peter Paul & Mary, and trying to pass on similar values to your students.