Kim Jong il Communication

The first time Kim Jong il went golfing, his first time ever picking up a golf club, he shot a world record 38 under par. He recorded 11 hole in ones to shatter Solvang native Al Geiberger's previous record round of 59. The folks at the PGA and Guiness Book of World Records refuse to acknowledge this score. They say that there is no evidence either video or photo that confirms the claim. They ignore the fact that 4 of Kim's personal bodyguards were on hand to witness the entire event. Why would these men, who's lives lie in Kim's hands at all times, lie. There is only one logical reason why the PGA and Guiness continue to ignore what is undoubtedly the greatest achievement in the history of sport: Playa Hatin'

How can one come to Seoul South Korea, mere miles from the North Korean border and not take the opportunity to visit a country ran bad such a marvelous madman. Sure he's an incredibly evil despot who holds his people and a whole region in constant terror, but he's so cute. Look at his little platform shoes and flattop haircut. He can oppress me any day! In all seriousness (don't expect any seriousness), due to recent calming in relations between the US and NK and Kim's realization that a country with nearly zero natural resources can't live unilaterally, the border has been opened or visitors into the country. Jenny's good friend Jennifer (hereto referred to as Yum, come on if that was your last name, you'd go by it too) has been living in Seoul for a few months now and took the reigns in planning our excursion. We had originally booked a 4 day trek through the sacred mountains in north korea's east, but some Korean woman on the tour a couple weeks before us decided to play party pooper and get herself riddled with Ak47 fire, thereby forcing the tour to be closed and ruining our fun (so selfish). We instead opted for a 1 day tour of Kaesong, it's North Korea's second largest city next to the capital of Pyongyang. Its proximity to the southern border and developing international industrial complex make it a perfect place to let forgieners get a small glimpse of the country without risking anyone but factory workers or national secrets. It is only possible to enter NK by guided tour at the moment and after some of how the country runs, it is totally understandable why they wouldn't want a bunch of westerners running around.

So Jenny, Yum and I climbed out of bed at 4 am to catch the bus headed north. First we had to change our South Korean currency to US dollars. Because god loves irony, of course NK runs on the currency of their biggest enemy. The whole bus ride to the border, we are filled in on the never-ending list of things that we cannot do once we enter North Korea. No pictures of the military. No photos while the bus is moving. No contact verbal, hand signal or eye with the locals. No wandering off the designated areas. No mentioning of Kim Jong il's name. No pointing at, leaning on, staring at, sitting on, or laughing at any of the communist slogans or pictures of the dear leader at anytime. All photos must be pre-approved by the guides and they will be scrutinized by the guards as we exit the country. They went through every shot on every single camera and deleted what they felt wasn't appropriate (which is why there is such a dirth of photos this time and the one's I do have are somewhat rubbish.) Any violations of these rules would result in a penalty of 1000 American dollars. Enough said. We also weren't allowed to bring anything that references South Korea in any way. According to Kim's doctrine South Korea in fact does not exist. They refer to it as the "occupied southern territory." Any Korean shirts, flags, money or my camera (which had photos of the previous day in South Korea on the memory card) could not cross the border. (Thankfully Yum, for the umpteenth time came to the rescue and let me snap shots on her camera). We also had to be versed on the information we had given ahead of time regarding ourselves that we had given ahead of time. we were told that any deviation or even hesitation when answering the questions could have serious negative consequences. It's bizarre to sit there and have a tour guide you've known for 3 hours giving you a cram session on your own life story. We learned that this trip was not exactly the average hop over the border to TJ for a cheap Ridalin refill and Donkey show (I just can't sit through one without my meds). So now thoroughly terrified, we entered the DMZ.

The DMZ or demilitarized zone is a small strip of land at the border that gives a buffer between So Kor's never-ending sea of toy dogs and cell phones and Nor Kor's seven goats (Bernice just had twins). if you strip away the imminent threat of potentially armeggedon- inducing warfare that is always a hair's breath away, the scene is actually quite funny. Opposing soldiers in identical bunkers 50 yards away from each other, with guns and binoculars constantly fixed on their enemy. You spend your entire military service watching them watch you. As we crossed the border in to North Korea, the joking and funs that the people on the bus had been doing since we left came to an abrupt halt. Everyone fell silent. All involved seemed to have the same simultaneous epiphany. We were in North Korea. Starting point guard for the Axis of Evil. Land of oppression, violence, deceit and hate. A country who's mad leader could potentially cause an end to the nice, quiet, unblown-up lives we've grown so accustomed to. This was no laughing matter. (unlike Kim Jong il's Buddah belly, which is quite hilarious). A mere 2 hours north of Seoul, the world's second largest megalopolis and the most wired city in the world, we were surrounded by terrain that looked like it belonged in another century. The farming areas were filled with small patches of workers hunched over the massive fields of corn. Each group was watched closely by a single guard, standing at rigid attention in the middle of the dirt path. There were points where we'd ask, "what exactly are you guarding mister? Afraid that starving cow might make a break for China?" The actual city of Kaesong was equally unimpressive. There were a few larger towers for housing and a smattering of smaller structures for who knows what. The whole thing just looked so depressed. It was as if someone had a grandious plan for a spectacular housing complex sometime round the 1950's and then gave up on it halfway through. Which is essentially what happened. Everything is a sad soft pastel color. There are no bright colors on the buildings or the people, who wore your typical communist drab uniform. The only beauty found was in the occasional gorgeous portrait of Kim Jong Il or his father Kim Il Sung (who is an interesting political decision remains the president of North Korea despite his death over a decade ago. I mention this because it might come up if Mccain is elected).

Once inside the industrial complex, the propaganda machine kicked into overdrive. The actual "tour" consisted of a visit to the handful of things that North Korea could strech to pull together as sights to see. We were dragged to a waterfall, an ancient school, and the spot where a famous Korean philosopher died and supposedly his blood stain remained after a millenia (looked like balsalmic vinegar to me). We were then treated to a nice little lunch served by beautiful woman in traditional gowns while a film showing all the typical propaganda played behind us. Marching soldiers, workers cheering, birds learning to fly, you get the picture. During all of this everyone was pretty much bored off our asses. There was a continuous murmur throughout the group. None of of gave a damn about these sights. We were inside the most unknown secretive society on the planet. It's a place where American Intelligence (oxymoron?) struggles to get the slightest bit of information. The chance to penetrate the stronghold is offered to so few and we were wasting our time looking at beat up notepads in a weak little temple. Then finally after lunch concluded we were given an hour to walk the streets of Kaesong. I should say street. Really i should say block. We were hemmed into an area about 30 yards square where we were free to observe the town. Sure it wasn't what we'd wanted to do but at least we got to see the city hum for a little while. It was real trip to sit back and watch the average Nor Kor function. It was fascinating to see how there were obstensibly so much like us, riding bikes, playing soccer, walking to work, but living at the core of a civilization that could not possibly be more different. The average North Korean will tell you that they live in the greatest country in the world. That their lives are full of splendor and they could not possibly be happier. These are the same people who have been subject to a viscious and almost undocumented famine for 15 years while their leader lives in an opulance almost unrivaled anywhere in the world. They struggle by, working themselves to death for the betterment of the state while making what amounts to less than a thousand dollars a year. For perspective, Kim Jong Il spends $750,000 dollars on Hennesy Cognac annually.

It was one of those trips that i wouldn't stretch to say that i enjoyed, but i feel it was one i needed to make. It was one of the more unsettling things I've done on my travels, but certainly also one of the most mind-expanding. It wasn't fun to be carted around to bullshit monuments while under constant survielence from every side, having my every step scrutinized. It was difficult to watch the Korean people marching through their miserable existance, knowing the promise that could have come if a few megalomanics hadn't had their way. The worst part was the vibe. There was this unspoken air about the whole experience. All the tourists knew the horrors that go on in this country and the guides knew we knew, but the whole production went on as if it were a tour through Disneyland. It was that aura of a cheating husband, his wife fully aware of his infidelity, making up yarns about where his day when both parties knew what he was really up to. Put on a show for the kids, besides they're in too deep to divorce now. Sometimes a lie is just more convenient.

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