I thought I was dead, but I'm still alive! Yippee!!

Tell me something, have you EVER heard of Berjaya Air before? Berjaya Air!? Well, neither had I, but as I had opted to fly from Koh Samui, Thailand, to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, rather than an uncomfortable 24-hour bus and boat journey, I had no choice but to fly with Berjaya, a small Malaysian airliner. I'm not a keen flyer anyway, used to be but now I fly out of necessity, not excitement or enjoyment. So when I head to the skies I always choose the more well-known, tried and tested airlines. Did a bit of research to avoid flying with Berjaya, but there were no practical alternatives really, so with my fingers crossed, and knocking on wood, I purchased my ticket for this two-hour 10 minutes flight on a 48-seater Dash7 machine. Afterwards I was discussing in great detail with my English friends Anna and Lindsay my fears, nightmares and worries about Berjaya in the days leading up to the flight. Berjaya Air became an obsession - I turned totally OCD.

Anyway, 12 June arrived, potentially (or very likely) my last day on Mother Earth, so I had my last meal with the girls at our favourite cafe on Mae Nam Beach. I ordered two dishes, like a prisoner on death row's last meal, as I did not want to leave this life with an empty stomach. Said goodbye to the girls, see you in London (hopefully), hugs and kisses, before I was driven to the airport. At this stage I felt quite alright actually and had regained some confidence in Berjaya Air's capability of transporting its passengers from A to B without major incidents, such as crash landing in the jungle.

Koh Samui's gorgeous airport is like a five-star beach resort with huge Thai-style pavilion buildings where passengers can relax in comfortable chairs and sofas whilst enjoying a selection of free drinks, cakes and fruits or even surf the internet ALL for FREE. Way to go Samui! It is predicted that the island will be the most exclusive and expensive destination in Thailand in a few years when numerous planned resorts have risen from the dusty grounds, so I can see why they already now are investing in a fancy airport.

Forty-five minutes after schedule we started to board the plane, a small but sweet thing, I guess, which definitely was way past its sell-by date and would be more suitable for a transport museum rather than on a runway. Boarding didn't exactly calm my nerves, but got seated and noticed the airliner's slogan "Berjaya Air - your flight to paradise". Dear Berjaya Air's marketing department, with all due respect, I'm not yet ready to go to paradise, nor do I think my fellow passengers were, so a rebrand would do you no harm...

Lights off, darkness outside and my faith was in the capable hands of Berjaya's pilots. The take-off was an out-of-this-world experience and I really did think my days had been counted for the final time; 28 years, 10 months and 27 days - not bad, but I still have business to do, places to see, people to meet. We took off at an angle, leaning to the right, all I could see in the darkness was the dancing shapes of smoke coming from the panels above us and filling the cabin. The machine itself and its 40 or so passengers were thrown left, right, up and down for the next two very loooong minutes. I had my heart in my throat, my hands were sweating, my feet scared stiff, and the woman behind me was crying hysterically in the arms of her husband. I was thinking; why the fuck did I not take that 24-hour boat and bus ride, whilst hoping that my life would be spared. And it was. Spared. A few minutes later we were all level again, I was sitting comfortably enjoying a glass of fresh juice. No problem at all, the blood circulation in my feet was back to normal, my hands dry as a desert and my mental health was above average. Fabulous stuff and got to Kuala Lumpur without as much as a scratch. Wouldn't recommend this trip though for those with high blood pressure or heart diseases...

Kuala Lumpur, or KL as the locals call it, is a clean, modern place similar to Bangkok although less busy. There are plenty of high-rise glass and steel buildings, multi-level highways are criss-crossing each other and the transport system is super efficient and, not to forget, air-conditioned! (How come London can't do this, when their former colonies have no problem sorting it!?!?). KL is a mix of cultures; Muslim Malay women with head scarves, Indians with red dots on their foreheads and Chinese youth sporting the latest Western fashion. Together they form the Malaysian nation and they all seem to be getting on perfectly well with each other, at least on the surface. I've seen so many cities now though that I only gave this one a day (well, that's what I thought at this point) before heading south to the historical town of Melaka where Islam was first introduced to Malaysia and subsequently colonised by various European nations.

If you've been to a number of colonial cities around the world you can safely skip Melaka. It has some charming buildings and a historic China-town area packed with enjoyable shops where you can find all sorts of stuff to put in your house or garden, but apart from that it's pretty dull. Anyway, only had one sweaty day there where I probably lost several litres of liquid, so didn't really have time to get bored. If you come here though, make sure it's on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday so you don't miss the fun night market in China Town.

The next day I got up early to get the bus to Mersing, a port without any character on the east coast of Malaysia. From there I caught a boat to the Tioman Island, allegedly a paradise island with much hyped-up beaches and diving facilities. Having toured a number of islands in Thailand where admittedly the effects of tourism is transforming traditional island life, I had expected Tioman to be, if not similar, at least not far off from its peers on the Thai east coast with buzzing life and lovely restaurants on the beach. Arriving at Salang beach on Tioman, the islands 'most happening place', I quickly got this strange feeling that I hadn't had before on any island with white beaches; I just didn't like it. Got a bungalow near the beach, but the standard was so poor compared to what I'd gotten for the same price in the other South East Asian countries. It was in pretty sad condition with creeks and cracks in both floor and walls allowing both a draft (maybe the Malaysian way of an energy efficient and environmentally friendly air con) and bugs inside my unloved boudoir.

My first evening on the island was spent trying to determine which of the five available restaurants would not cause me any grievous bodily harm, before I settled on one with the cleanest plastic chairs. As often the case in Malaysia, if you go for down-market rather than up-market eateries (not that I had any choice in this particular case), your welcome from the staff will be a bitter "Yes?". Well I'm here to eat, you silly twat, so it would be nice to see a menu, but having restored some politeness in my soul again after all my unavoidable rudeness in Vietnam, I did of course not blurt that out but instead said "Could I have the menu please?". No answer, but the waiter remained as smiley as a pre-historic stone and got a menu for me which he threw onto the table as a piece of dog shit. To avoid disaster, disappointment and death, I've learnt that it's best to order a local dish when eating at a place with plastic chairs as you never know what you'll be served, and what state it will be in, when you order a Western meal. So I got through my average noodle dish before I strolled back to my bungalow to hit the hay and get ready for a day on the beach the following morning.

Seven a.m. next morning I woke up itching my back; I had a look in the mirror and my entire back was covered in scores of big, bulging, red bites. Fuck! Shit! Troops of bloody bug bites had obviously taken refuge in my mattress overnight and had a feast on my back, arms and legs. I looked like a freak. Packed my stuff and was ready to leave the island, but got to my senses and thought I better stay a full day there as I travelled across the country to get there! Changed bungalow and headed to the beach where horrified sun bathers expressed both sympathy and shock at the sight of my back. I was not much of a beach stud to say the least, but got through the day and night before leaving the island with the first available boat the next morning.

Arriving in Mersing I had an hour or so before my bus to Kuala Lumpur left so I logged on the internet and opted for some shopping therapy to improve my sorry state. Booked myself into a luxury hotel for three nights and just thought screw that already crumbling budget of mine, I need some clean sheets, a soft mattress, air con and cable TV. After a 12-hour-journey from the island I reached KL in the afternoon rush hour so it was pretty crammed on the underground when I made my way to the hotel which was next to the stunning Petronas twin towers. Arrived at the hotel, tired, itchy, sweaty and looked every bit of a dirty backpacker whose appearance is a total misfit in a luxury hotel lobby. Just wanted to get my room and have a long warm shower. The lady in the reception asked for my details before presenting my room details, but I noticed that it said twin room, which I thought meant a twin bed, and I was sure I had booked a big fat double bed in which I could sleep diagonally. So I question-marked this and she replied smiling "I have upgraded you Mr Aastad." Upgrade? Que? I couldn't believe it, that kind of stuff doesn't happen to me. I've always wanted to be upgraded on air planes, but I guess my casual dress sense when flying (I opt for comfort, not dress for success) ends those prospects already at check-in. Anyway, I got to my room and just started to laugh when I got in - I had two massive bed rooms, three bathrooms, two balconies with views over the whole city as I was on the 17th floor, three TVs (with cable of course!), a huge living room and even a kitchen. The three days I spent there were just amazing! I wish I was rich and could afford this on a regular basis. There's nothing like a bit of a materialistic overdose now and again.

After my three luxurious days in KL, which really has a nice, chilled vibe about it, I got on a bus for the last time on this trip and headed down to Singapore, a tiny island republic and former British colony, linked to Malaysia by a bridge and to the rest of the world by hundreds of daily flights. Malaysia and Singapore divorced just over four decades ago and the latter then proclaimed itself a republic and set out to make it big internationally. The island has no natural resources, so everything from water, energy and food has to be imported. The country, which has been run by the same man since its independence, has thrived under massive foreign investment and is today a financial Mecca. It has about 4.5 million inhabitants, the same as Norway, but all crammed inside an area the size of greater Oslo! There are around 3 million Singaporeans, of which 70 percent are Chinese and the rest Malay and Indian, whilst the rest of the inhabitants are 1.5 million foreigners who work here, including many Westerners.

Everything here is super modern, the streets are as clean as my teeth and people are well behaved (punishments for misbehaviour such as theft, drug abuse etc are strict). This is a CCTV state where Big Brother is always watching you, there is not much freedom of speech and you don't criticise the rulers, after all they've made this country a rich bitch. Young people though are craving more freedom, but tend to conform to the state's expectations and demands of them being hard workers - so that's what they do. Not sure though if there is much of a national identity here apart from the work hard mentality - and with new buildings and resorts popping up everywhere, and the streets and hills becoming more and more manicured, this country is slowly turning itself into a Disneyland nation. Needless to say that apart from a bit of shopping, a few colonial marvels and luxury hotels, there's not much of interest to see or do here.

Luckily though I had my friend Mick, who I know through friends in London, taking me around the city and showing me a good time Singapore-style. He's been living here a few years and knows what's hot and what's not so he took me out with his friends to restaurants, bars and clubs this past weekend. Lots of fun!

On that high, my trip has come to an end. I've had an amazing time over the past six months, met so many fun people, and learnt and experienced a lot. It has been worth every single penny I've saved and now spent. My last night of this trip was spent in a Singaporean cinema watching the Sex & the City movie, which just underlined what I already knew; despite loving to relax on a white beach, trekking in gorgeous mountains and being surrounded by breathtaking landscapes on a regular basis, Thomas belongs in the city. A big city that is.

THE END *

* Likely to be continued some time in the near future...

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