ISLAMLAND

We flew into Kuala Lumpur and headed for China town at the silly o'clock dark morning time where pre-dawn life was starting to wind down. Tired drunks clutched beer wearing ickle foam cooling jackets, torpid travellers slurping noodle soup saying nothing to each other. Listless hookers passed me by giving me the once over. City cabbies played roulette with weary nocturnal mortals who had enough partying for one night and just wanted to get home.


Luckily we had pre-booked a room at a well known hostel, unluckily the room had already been taken by another 'Claire Hall' some 8 hours earlier and the night security guy thought it best not to wake them up at this ungodly time, yes, we must let them sleep the poor mites....grrrr! So, we had to hunt around China town for somewhere else. A dubious looking place opposite had its lights on, the tariff explained that 15 minutes would cost 6 RM (£1), one hour was 12 RM (£2) every additional 15 minutes there after would cost 3 RM and a room for one whole night was only 35 RM. Stu thought this was a bargain night sleep yet was baffled by this 15 minutes bit, I explained as I lead him away from this blatantly obvious knocking shop.



It was now 04.35 the spirit of travelling was fast draining away as I was enormously listless. We found another hostel, the man on the desk was snoring in front of the flickering TV, I coughed, he threw me a key, I caught it. The room had shared bathroom that was 0.34 miles down the dimly lit hall where a wall rope was needed as guidance. The toilet had the biggest buoyant message of doom crammed inside its bowl, the same toilet cubical doubled up as one main shower for that floor and that one floor had enough rooms to house the entire Russian Olympic team. Our sleep space was smaller than a Monopoly board, it had no windows or breathable oxygen, just a flicker of strip lighting. There was a mattress on the floor, the AC blew freezing cold, as I was dripping in night sweat this later practical part of the deal was of greater immediate importance. Upon closer inspection of the mattress, I noticed just below the lumpy Winnie the Poo pillow were long thick suspiciously Arab looking black hairs, I caste my half blind crime scene eyes along the cheap threads and with the aid of a normal mag-lite I noticed about pelvic levels were some smaller blacker curlier pubic hairs. This is when a hardened stomach to international body gore, long tweezers, fleece blanket stolen from the flight earlier and my mini goose feathered travel/comfort pillow came in mighty handy. I slept for 11 minutes and 20 seconds all night, the room was pitch black I could see nothing but I could hear unidentifiable scuttling inside the room, as soon as I heard human scuttling outside the room I got up and searched for another cleaner lighter hostel.



I was last in Kuala Lumpur ten years ago and all I can remember was Kenny Rodgers Roasters that specialises in Sunday roasts somewhere next to markets full of fake Rayban sunglasses and Prada handbags. Nothing much has changed along Petaling Street China town, it has just moved with the times on to Prada sunglasses and amazing Jimmy Choo handbags normally retailing at over $2000 but here you can get them for $40 (£20) this experience had me screaming in my head with retail glee. Today Kenny Rodgers roasters isn't all that and is almost invisible as it is now hidden behind 21st century Starbucks. But still its China Town and all there is to eat is one filthy McDonald's with letchy Arab men who asked me, 'you wanna sit wi-me, hey, you, cummon, you look at me, I buy you Mc Flurry!' .......ummm almost tempting. There are a load of Indian curry houses, Chinese fondue novelties and more bloody Chinese food. I felt digestively challenged yet again.



It rained everyday, we stayed in a great hostel called The Backpackers Inn It came with windows and free wifi, satisfying breakfasts, plenty of 'interesting' traveller people and a good homely feeling. We managed to sight see by jumping on the hop on hop off bus that circles around all the tourist spots of the city. I was apathetic as I watched the changing of the guards, the orchid park had Stu in floral rapture, while I yawned, sighed and hunted for more human forms to curb my excursion boredom, which is of late a new feeling for me. Finally, as I slipped in to a mild brain dead heat coma, voilà, a wedding party sat there before me, looking very just married and a bit non excitable on a bench. The bus drove us to some cultural arts centre which we looked at through the windows of the bus, a mediocre Malaysian Eye (like the London Eye, but nothing like London Eye in big wheel size) we didn't bother to get off the bus for that as it was pissing down. KL Twin Towers suddenly was nothing special compared to the mega buildings in Shanghai, felt rather let down, over all the day had that done it before, seen similar, yawn, its too rainy, yawn, its too hot, I'm tired, can not be bothered, I'm hungry. Our big old tour bus blew a tire, it made a huge bang and swerved all over the road, there was a chorus of 'Thank God, Christ, Jehovah, Allah, Buddha and so on by many, we transferred on to another bus, this I may add was the most exciting part of the week for me. Suddenly I found myself thinking of Tesco food stuff, snow and fire lit cottages in Scotland.

The Religious bit.....

We stopped at the National Mosque, here in Mini Islam Malaysia Wiki states there are is a 99.9% population of Muslims, but I am not sure there is that many. Here in the city I have seen many many Saudi Muslim women covered from head to foot in the Hijab vale, I understand that the majority of Muslim women don't wear this but I thought I should maybe investigate as to date I find this custom Byzantine and have so far felt nothing on any akin level for this religion, compared to my strong feelings and understandings towards spiritualism, Hinduism, Buddhism sort of some bits of Christianity I suppose, outerspaceisum, Googlisum or Lord rock God almighty MattBellamyMuseisum.



The rules of this cities National Mosque states that women were allowed in, but plunging neck lines were not allowed to hang out, knee to calf length hems were not acceptable, knee to hip hems is punishable by a permanent ban on retail shopping unaided by a responsible adult. Free flowing hair styles were covered up, even widows peaks and lady moustaches and matching sideburns seem to be hidden, along with entire female body contours, all hidden. I felt that if I wanted to express myself in some way like the verbal need to eat cakes, which I do a lot in public, I could not do this as in Islam one does not eat to meet physical need or for pleasure, which is too alien a concept for me to digest, so all desires I had had to be left with my footwear at the gate outside. To visit inside this Mosque of not so free Islamic worship I was asked to conform and dress in an unflattering full length gown, this gown covered my female head and all hair and entire female body, so when the wind blew the gown made me look like one massive purple marque inclusive of wedding party jumping around inside to Rick Astley's 'Never gonna give you up'.



Once inside the mosque and stripped of all western comfort thoughts and outer identity, I picked up my 24 coloured beginners leaflets on how to be a proper Muslim. Im not sure who devised these leaflets they are meant to be taken from the Koran also spelt Qur'an and original texts called the Hadith, but I found them most entertaining. I started with How does a lady from Alabama became a

Police.

Muslim? Easy, her Muslim husband had asked her to just investigate Islam after she had spent years trying to convert him to Christianity. She says and I quote “ The turning point for me was that in Islam His money is our money, but my money is my money” way to go Mrs. Alabama! I walked around the spacious marble mosque, completely hidden under my purple marque, sweating like one massive over cooked Kenny Rodgers roast chicken, many Muslim women were inside covered from had to foot in the traditional burka which is a long black frock that covers the entire body, along with full length hood with slits for the eyes, smaller than a snug fit for a CD case through a mail box, some slit sizes had the middle part between the eyebrows stitched and the fabric around the eyes were held up by blinking naked eyelashes alone, actually I didn't mean real 'naked' eyelashes.



I found it hard to approach these Saudi women, there was a blank black wall between us, how do you start to say Hi, how are you? I like what you are wearing, your face looks familiar? The burka seems to block this and their husbands talking for them, one woman coward behind her man as I spoke to him and said a cracking opening line, something like I thought his wife had very beautiful eyes, in the west this would have sounded like I was hitting on her which in Saudi I may have been publically beaten for such a wild comment. He said he already knew his wife was very very beautiful. I was looking at her did she blush, was she confused, offended, flattered? I don't know, I could not tell as she was all covered up? I said that it was a shame no one could appreciate this quality about her, he said that that was the way of Islam, as long as she is beautiful to Him and Allah this was OK, she stood behind him the whole time, blinking, then he asked where my husband was, I said he was either in McDonald's or killing aliens on line, which is my normal reply, he promptly bid me good day.



Leaflet 23 Dress in Islam For me the whole burka-hijab wearing thing looks totally impractical, impossible to navigate a hurried walk let alone a mild run, especially in this heat. How do they drive cars, see where they are going, go swimming in the sea, eat, drink? I was also constantly amazed by the way they wore glasses that some how managed to stay balanced on the bridge of the nose yet outside of the vale that was also hooked over the bridge of the nose, was this some form of dynamic facial physics? Leaflet 23 states 'The very same headscarf revered as a sign of 'holiness' when worn by Catholic nuns, is reviled as a sign of 'oppression' when worn by Muslim Women' These days isn't being a nun a limited and rare old century career choice, its a specialised and insular way of devoting your one life to God, not a human husband? Pockets of Muslim women all over the world are told from young to wear these things like their mothers aunts, sisters and grans do, that is not what I call personal choice. In Leaflet 21 Sex in Islam it claims the Qur'an describes monastic life as 'a human invention'. But in the same leaflet 23 it also says that 'The Muslim woman only seeks inner 'spiritual' beauty so by wearing her hijab/vale is an external expression of her inner commitment to lead a way of life that pleases Allah the most merciful' But, I have got by in this life finding and cultivating my own inner spiritual beauty without having to cover myself up in public.



One baffling point in leaflet 23 about 'Dress in Islam' states 'There is nothing wrong in being modern, that is if one is a user of mobile phones. You can buy a more modern mobile every few months' May I ask what relevance this is to ladies dress in Islam? Where in the Qur'an does it mention about upgrading your mobile phone? And how does this quote end up in the 'Dress in Islam' leaflet, I could delete the mobile phone reference and just add my own version that Islam states that 'There is nothing wrong in being modern, that is if one is a user of Jimmy Choo Handbags. You can buy a modern handbag every few months' Love Allah. Then I may consider signing up, just like Mrs. Alabama! My point is that these leaflets seem to just flavour the moment.



Who is

National Mosque
& Purple Marque

Allah? I asked this same question as I watched the resident school kids making rude finger signs to me, I flicked through leaflet 2 which explained:
'By the way, the Almighty (Allah) is not an old man who posed for Michelangelo!'
I'm so pleased that little misunderstanding has been cleared up as I did wonder that exact same thought while visiting our Catholic Popes front room in the Sistine chapel a few years back. Allah is apparently not man nor woman nor is it a thing or a being of any human or other form. Yet they refer throughout all the leaflets that 'His (suddenly a male) creations need Him but He does not need them for His existence'.



I have seen a lot of men in KL who seem to have at least 4 wives in toe, a full on harem of wives, mother in laws and sisters all wearing hijabs & burka's attempting to tuck in to a Nando's chicken meal (rivals to Kenny Rodgers). I braved it and asked one group of women if I could take their picture, they looked to the floor maybe embarrassed, maybe they didn't speak English, but again I hit a wall of awkwardness, behind me there stood guardian husband who said he would be delighted for me to take pictures of all his wives and asked if I was from the BBC? I said I was not, he then asked if my filming was going to be in any short films maybe for our English Channel 4, which was very familiar to him? I said it was not filming, just one picture, and it was not going to be in any short film, documentary or for the BBC, I declined to mention a certain equally respected and important travel blog site.



Leaflet 12 Polygamy in Islam it says that 'The overwhelming majority of Islamic men (more than 98%) have only one wife', but inside the next page it then states that the noble Koran permits Muslim men to marry up to 4 wives if they can provide handsomely for the wives and their families, also if they have the stamina and can handle such a task? This leaflet claims that 'Applying the principles of one man, one wife in a postwar situation would result in many women without husbands.' .........STOP FIGHTING THEN! It continues 'The Choices these women have are a life of celibacy (which Islam opposes as it is not consistent with human nature) or illicit sex (which Islam forbids)' So no choice. Which leads me on to......



Leaflet 21 Sex in Islam Islam strongly advises very early marriage to ward off any unnatural urges outside wedlock, so rampant 9 year old girls and 14 year old for boys are of legal age to marry before they get too wayward in their hormonal teenage desires. Leaflet 11 Sharing Islam tells me 'not to wait for the perfect partner as there is no such thing as only Allah is perfect!' If you are divorced or widowed you must remarry pronto so not to stray off to the fantasy carnal dark side. It also claims that menopause is no reason for a women to say 'I have a headache love, not tonight.' I hear all you western women screeching ...'WHAT, no bloody way! The maturing woman must continue to please her man until death as Islam insists, this part of being a Muslim wife would have me screaming obscenities, naked, from within Mecca walls, it all sounds too bloody exhausting for words. In between the unnatural marital ages from kindergarten to post menopausal geriatric generations you must always keep your pace maker batteries charged, colostomy bag empty, all entries and exits clear and husband happy at all times, there is no celibacy in Islam not for anyone. It is quoted in leaflet 21 that you must whisper daily 'word and kisses' into your husbands ears, it also advises the husband to be sensitive to the feelings of their wives by saying real turn on lines such as 'Let me not fall upon you dear wife like a donkey falls upon a she donkey'! In Islam if the male clearly states that he loathes and hates children or by chance is impotent this is good reason to by pass the whole marriage laws, equally, sexual inability to perform is one legitimate grounds for divorce.



Leaflet 16 True believers in Islam Informs me that 'All human beings are born Muslims but many lose this blessing because of difference in upbringing' I don't know about you but I did leave home early but I do think I would have remembered my early Islamic childhood in conservative Grantham middle England in the mid 1970's where the only ethnic reference we had was a Chinese restaurant. I must have blanked out all images of my mother imprisoned inside a black burka and my dad dressed in his floor length dishadasha shirts, PJ bottoms and khuff cap as they trundled off in the Ford Capri to the Mosque five times a day to pray!



Leaflet 3 Becoming a Muslim tells me that 'Becoming a Muslim is a lot easier compared to getting a visa or a passport' These Islamic leaders clearly have not tried to get a Chinese Visa in Vietnam! And I thought I was was previously told we were all born Muslim. Also didn't music man Cat Steven change his name to Yusuf Islam? I read recently that he is now on the American Islamic most wanted list, what did he do? For a man to become a Muslim it is required he has late circumcision...ouch! Gives up the juice and the eating of bacon butties. But he can shag and pray all day long.




Leaflet 6 Cleanliness for Prayer 'The heart must be clean of evil thoughts and the body must be clean of impurities, Muslims should aspire to be in a state of purity'. All the terrible events in 2001 the world has viewed the Muslim faith with very mixed emotions, from total miss trust, contempt, suspicion, anger, hatred to curiosity, fascination, embrace and acceptance. Bin Laden with his Al Qaeda actions and G W Bush between them have really cocked this world up. It is said in Newsweek that Bin Laden cleverly devised and re worded the most fear ridden negative prophecies originating from the Arabic Qur'an, he added his own twisted interpretations, selfish manipulations and evil intentions, enticed weak manipulative clerics and scholars to back him up, then got old blood thirsty presidential freshman Bush involved who dragged the rest of this world down with them and bingo we now have a useless political war going on that is killing many and costing much, but it was also cleverly based upon religion just so more people got upset, as not every one gives a stuff about politics events as they do about religion.




Every Qur'an (aka Hadith or Koran) narration has its own special and sacred context, but Bin Laden is said to have blown them out the water. So us in the west think the word Jihad means terror, killing of innocent people, collateral damage, tolerance of oppression, silence against injustice, imposing your values on others. But leaflet 5 tells me that for centuries Jihad means the message of one true God, giving to charity and fighting tyranny, Muslims are asked in the name of Jihad to move quickly to establish peace, the aim of armed Jihad is to restore peace and avert more wars and aggression, Muslims are prohibited from engaging in armed acts of aggression even towards their sworn enemies.




Recently various high ranking Muslim clerics in Ankara Turkey felt the time had come to rewrite the 170,000 known narrations of the original Arabic Qur'an which has never been done before, they especially wish to modernise all the twisted negative beliefs that the world seems to be remembering more than the good stuff. For example the Qur'an states there will be 12 vestal virgins waiting in heaven for men willing to kill in the name of Allah like suicide bombers who actually pad out their genitals before pushing the detonation button, to protect their manhood ready for the after life of eternal sex, this is so wrong. It also forbids women to travel alone, so in places like Saudi they have taken this literally and banned women from driving cars. But the clerics have defined that this narrative was written in the times when women travelling alone in certain places during certain unsafe times like pre the invention of the wheel, street light or even the minicab which was considered unsafe at that time and so was the right and safe thing to advise. But, these days the world is safer and women should be seen more equal, so this is one part they will adapt to fit in with this modern day human rights, women's rights, and democracy states.



Leaflet 20 Life in the Grave Death in Islam what happens where does the spirit go? The Islamic dead go no where, they do not reincarnate there is no after life, (So what is that about 12 vestal virgins will be greeting you at any pearly gates?) the Muslim human soul does not become a ghost, neither do they possess the bodies of the living nor haunt houses and buildings. This leaflet claims that all clairvoyants and spirit mediums (for example John Edwards, Derek Acorah, Sai Baba, Edgar Cayce, Allison DuBois, David Wells and the lovely Doris Stokes) are all fakes and have fooled us into thinking they can speak with the dead, so it advises me that my best defence against these deviated 'Jinn' fraudsters is to not watch Living TV channel ever again to completely trust in Allah as the best protector and supplication. I shall now burn my Oija board and tarot cards at dawn.




Of course what I have quoted is from a bunch of leaflets and news stuff a lot of which is translation of some kind from somewhere sort of important and we all know things can get lost in translation. I appreciate that not all Muslims abide by such strict rules. I know for a fact that Muslims are law abiding, good wholesome citizens who have of late been tarnished by presidents and Bin Laden type cretins, who like other dictators and leaders manipulate and wish only to cause harm for their own selfish gains, we must all look beyond this and re educate.

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