Big Trouble in Little China

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Whaaooochop! A little on the sidetrack note but since we have been away traveling I have started to read some books, a gasp from most of you cynics that just thought I was pretty to look at and no brains. I hear the jokes that the books have more pictures than words, yes very funny. I have only one question, do yuo thinc it has haelped mi speling?

Moving swiftly onwards...

We had booked our transport the day previous to this blog, it was a nightmare. As we have experienced terrible problems with road travel across the whole of Asia, whether it be traffic jams, bus crashes and general distaste we wanted to opt for a very sedate train journey down from Southern Thailand into Malaysia and into Kola Lumper (I do know how to spell it but this way it reminds me of the lovely eucalyptus eating rodents, mmmmm). However in usual Stuart and Emma traveling style we sat trying to arrange the travel via train but the website crashed every time we went onto it, then the agent that we tried to book it through took the payment to be told only moments later that the seats were already gone. So we opted for a lovely 17 hour bus ride instead. This caused two problems, firstly I had to calm the very irate lady that was standing right next to me and also I had to survive one of the least comfortable ways of traveling (except for a three legged horse and one wheeled cart) with the Hoi Chi Mihn two step, with no toilet.

I must take this moment to describe the symptoms of the most deadly gastric virus any white male either above or below the age of thirty has experienced. I was doing well to be upright at all. The pain would start around the neck area, but that was another story altogether. It came in waves, stomach cramps followed by your internal organs flipping upside down and causing the contents of your bowel to gather such speed and velocity that the log flume at Barry Island would have problems imitating. It was regular, it was not only on the hour it was sometimes a quarter of that, yes Jen on the half hour (At this moment the Grey panther is saying "Math’s has never been my strongpoint"). The concoction of drugs that I was sampling would make a Columbian street pharmacist look like a clueless chemist, however none of them worked. That was until Codeine hit my system, I asked the Dr traveling lady what they would do to me and all I got in return was "they will make you shut up". Ah love, it comes in so many forms and mostly with so much direct truth. I must add that I don't condemn or promote the use of this legal narcotic for general everyday usage, unless you are Matthew Perry (for all you Friends fans out there - gayboy), however I have lived in a house most of my life where the female head of the family shakes and rattles when she moves. Sometimes she walks around and an empty packet of codydramol falls out of her wig, but as she states "it better not to be in pain".

With these sentiments firmly placed into my psyche we got onto our first bus of the day which was heading to the border town of Hat Yai, actually a place that we later discovered had a series of terrorist bombs explode, nice. The wagon of torment this time was a suped up mini van, something a kid in the valleys with more acne and run inn’s with the law than brain cells would be proud to steal. Again the only place for us on this little magic carpet of terribleness was the back two seats, we seem to get these more often than not. Now call me a pessimist (you're a pessimist), but as me and Em are about the six foot mark give or take a couple of inches we always get lumbered with the legroom of a amputated centipede. At this stage it meant that the four hour journey was hard and arduous. The only highlights was that I did not fill my shorts with my own faeces, sorry but I have to reinforce the illness and that when we stopped halfway we had some lovely Muslim food in a roadside cafe. There is no connection there, no relationship at all.

Back onto the van and into Hat Yai, only some of the buses were traveling onto to KL so me, Em and a guy from Liverpool stopped and surveyed the town. It did not take long for us to do that. Hat Yai is the type of town that would probably look better after a good war or bombing. It was our home for a short time and we were glad of that. Only fourteen hours until KL and the rest of it was to be spent on our luxury coach. Well when you go onto the coach the relisation hit that luxury was probably a bit of an over statement, the patterns on the seats looked like a cover of a Pink Floyd album. But it was our home for 14 hrs and it was exactly what we needed to get out of Hat Yai. The bus trip was not too bad, stops were plentiful and a spectacular tropical storm throughout it made the driving precarious but the view magnificent. The highlight being the border crossing from Thailand to Malaysia. Now we were getting quite blasé about these events but they still get the blood rushing. I think that it is the armed guard’s situation and the signs that state "The Death Penalty will occur for Drug Trafficking" - I did wonder if this included codeine, so we kept quiet and got though unscaved. Well, they did full body search me but that was for a completely different reason.

Arrived in KL, the town was dying into the night as it was past the pumpkin hour and we weren't in our slippers yet. Me, Em and the scouser were all staying in the same part of town. We arrived at the street of our accommodation (The Serai Inn - Little India) this was after Smith got the traveling party completely lost. We got to the Inn just after one in the morning. OK, Yes, Emma was right I was wrong - wow that is so hard to even type, I feel sick now, head between the legs - oh some dropped a peanut mmmm. This was just before we spotted a rat the size of Paris Hilton's dogs; I still think I would rather meet the rat again than bump into the Hilton women.

All bedded down in the accommodation and the illness started again, we had a shared bathroom. Not a good situation, especially for all of those poor people on our floor that had to use the throne after me. "I pity the fools" - Ref Mr. B A Baracus 1980.

So after a restless night sleep and more stomach difficulties the only option for us was to move to a hotel. We went searching into KL and slipped into Chinatown. The main objective for the sick was a private bathroom, somewhere that perhaps had sound proofed doors as well. As you get kind of close while you travel you still don't want to hear your partner on "god’s telephone" delivering his pancreas in watery chunks to the waiting open sewers two floors below. Nice thought eh, now feel my pain. Also the romance and cuddles kind of go out of the window. I have to state at this point that Emma was great and was extremely patient with me, as I can be slightly sensitive when I am not well. I had to say that as she was giving me a Chinese burn.

So as I was getting a couple of hours rest the Dr's stomach was feeling left out so she ventured out on her tod to get some food. Now in the middle of Cardiff most people would feel safe enough to go out and grab a bite but in the middle of Chinatown where the people are just full on, the girl did well. I was pleased as I had a bit of time on the Sky Sports also - here's to you Brilcream son, everyman needs his man time.

As the afternoon drew on however the energy returned and we ventured around the city, well really the codeine hit the system and I was a blocked as the Pyramids. So we went and saw the Petronas Towers and mimicked many lines from CZJ in "Entrapment". Then onto the KL tower which is the fifth highest building in the world, you get a lift up to the start of it - weird but a great view. Then back to Chinatown for a beer and some phoning home. I have to mention this, we checked in with the folks and proved that we were still alive and informed them of our plans. It is weird speaking to them - that's it.

OK, we woke the next morning and we traveled to the airport to catch our flight over to Borneo - the land of ginger monkeys, tall mountains and massive amount of intrigue for the traveler.

One last thing, we actually went to the wrong terminal building for our flight, we thought that we were so cool, turning up on the local train into the terminal but no. Our organisational skills are getting worse, not better.

Any who we have all the time in the world. Borneo next.........

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Comments

[Dunky]

Stuey, ill & grumpy.... never
Once again, i've never been so pleased not to be in Asia (if you'll forgive the double negative). It is early here. Sorry i've not been in touch, but i've been a bit busy clearing the workload for May. Roll on the 4th. Since when did you become Homer Simpson Bruv? mmmm Peanut????? Please let him be better by May, the last thing i want spoiling my holiday is grumpy stu. Travel safe guys.

[Powells]

I'm just glad he got through customes unscaved. Reading books indeed...pah.