Getting off the boat

Friday 21st August / Skipper’s log day 7

There is no such thing as paranoia - F.X Leach, 1969

OK I feel good because I’ve told JL that tomorrow I will disembark from our trip and he seemed cool with it. I thought that I’d have the chance to leave today and when I realised it would be another night on board I thought “nooooo” but at the moment the water is calm and the sun is strong with a slight breeze so things don’t feel so bad.

Although it was calm last night I still found it difficult to sleep. I like to sit on the cockpit reading with my torch until I feel ready to go below deck to sleep. But outside it was pitch black and there were lots of near sounds I couldn’t identify. Everything felt magic and alive but in a slightly scary way. Even the breeze felt like a tangible. I was planning to sleep in the cockpit as there was no rain, but I felt as though I was being watched, so I went below deck like a coward.

I haven’t taken my antidepressants since that yoga lecture. Apart from the day when I travelled from Penang to Langkawi I’ve generally felt ok. Perhaps this is a good time to stay off them and learn to deal with my emotions and thoughts in a different way. Unless I have a few days where I feel truly awful. I’ll see how it goes.

JL exasperates me sometimes. But more in the way that a parent or grandparent would exasperate you. Or the way someone would when you’ve been stuck on a boat with them for a week. I’ve snapped at him a couple of times but he’s dealt with it well. One of the problems is that when I get hungry I get really irritable until. And as I don’t like to mention dinner too soon, I usually wait until I feel I have to eat NOW. But it’s never that simple. When I say “shall I make something for dinner” JL seems to think we have to discuss it for ages and then he’ll finally reach some simple conclusion of what we’ll do, that was surely obvious to start with. I’ve learnt now that if I want to make a cup of tea I should be very clear and say “I’m having a cup of tea. Would you like one?” (Even then it seems to take him 5 minutes to answer ‘no’.) Or even just to go and make myself one and then say “would you like one”. I think a lot of it is just simple miscommunication but it does rile me. Last night I snapped “JL, just get the vegetables out NOW!! It’s always laaa daaa deee. Dooo beee dahhhhh. Just bloody do it.” I was worried for a second that I’d crossed the line but he looked at me for a moment and then answered “bon.” I’d just go and make stuff myself but I don’t want to be rude, I want to let him know first, and then it becomes this lengthy debate. Argggghh. I also snapped at him when he asked what I was planning to do with the carrot I was about the cut up “shove it up my bottom!” was all I replied.

Then today when he took what felt to be the 20th picture of me showering I said “for god’s sake. Do you have to take so many photos?! You’re like an annoying parent, they always take too many pictures” (and so do bloody perverts).
I feel really out of sorts right now. Some of it’s hunger related but I won’t ramble on about that again. I do wonder if I’d still feel like this if I hadn’t stopped taking the citalopram. Or would I feel like this anyway. Is it normal to feel this out of sorts? Well I’m just glad I haven’t signed myself up for the 3 week trip to Phuket, I’m not sure if poor JL would survive it!

Feeling a little better. JL gave me some chocolate which helped to cheer me up. But then I was lying down in the cockpit naked and I thought I could hear his camera go off. But every time I looked into his window he wasn’t facing me. So unless he quickly turned away, I’m just being paranoid. I can’t prove anything. Anyway I put shorts on. Then JL came out and was taking me to take some shorts off and asked if he could photograph me naked. He was just winding me up I’m sure, but I said I wasn’t accepting anymore chocolate if it was a bribe.
Gosh I just feel generally rubbish. I just want to sleep through the rest of the day and night. I keep fantasizing about a nice hotel room with a double bed and a good fan and clean sheets and a TV to watch trashy shows like 90210. And big proper hearty meals like ham and cheese with chips, and Tom Yum soup....And I want to meet a man I really fancy who really fancies me too. Get me off this boat!!!

I think I’ll write a Mills and Boon novel set on a boat. It can be about a young woman who ends up on a boat with a sexy Thai skipper who can’t speak much English. She’ll start off very shy about her body. But then she’ll relish being naked and feeling the warm sun on her buttocks and sea water between her legs. She’ll have a controlling fiancé waiting for her somewhere but she’ll develop a sexy relationship with the muscley Thai sailor and they’ll make love out in the open under the stars. When the boat trip is over, she’ll leave both the sailor and her fiancé, continuing her life a new woman; free, independent and sexually liberated!

Good things about being on the boat:

• Being able to hold onto the boat and play in the water and sing
• There’s lots of time to read and JL has a big collection of National Geographics so I can ‘educate’ myself
• The sunsets
• The silhouettes of birds flying above the islands. The silence, with the only sounds being the animals in the forests and the far off hum of fishing boats
• Sitting on the top deck as the sun sets so it’s cool enough to enjoy the air and still a little bit of light left to read or just sit
• Being able to sleep in the cockpit if it’s not raining
• Tanning my white bits
• Exploring with the dinghy (although we haven’t found anything that exciting)
• JL genuinely wants me to feel happy on the boat. Despite the photos, he’s a decent chap.
• Discovering JL has a Leonard Cohen tape - with songs I haven’t heard before

Well I really thought last night would be my final sleep on the boat. But rather than return to Langkawi main today, we just moved spots again. I should be able to disembark tomorrow. Then I’ll eat like a king!

Sadly, I part from you;
Like a clam torn from its shell,
I go, and autumn too
Narrow Road, 1689. Matsuo Basha.


It seems as though JL would really quite like me to stay with him. He says that as of tomorrow, the price will go down to 10 Ringit a day. That’s less than 2pounds. I guess for him it’s better to have some company. Especially if it’s a young woman. Last night wasn’t too bad. We watched Kung Fu Panda and the boat was still so I managed to watch it the whole way through without feeling sick.

I had a nice swim before - though generally my ‘swims’ are hanging onto the side of the boat and singing. But it’d be a lot more fun if Cass was here to sing and do shows/music videos with me; and if I knew the words to more songs.
What happened to the actress who played Hannah in Neighbours? Most young actors in soap operas grow up to be attractive. But unfortunately when Hannah returned from her trip in France (sporting cropped hair and waistcoats, and complaining about the bad coffee in Harold’s coffee shop) she was still a bit of a duckling. I think next time I’m on the internet I’ll google her.

Just while I was writing JL came up and filmed me for about 15 seconds. I know he’s trying to “capture every moment” but how can he look back and enjoy a film of me writing. Well, I guess you can see my nipples. I try to ignore all of his filming and photography and act as though he’s not there. I think that if some authorities or detectives or historians find his records in the future, they’ll see that I’m not posing for or acknowledging the camera. But then they’ll say “but surely these were taken so close she must have known”. I will be an enigma to them. They will refer to me as the “mystery naked woman.”


Saturday 22nd August / Skipper’s log day 8 (the last?!!) Ist day of Ramadan.

10am: Feel tired as I was rudely awoken before 8am by 2 kamikaze flies, whizzing around my head like formula one drivers (and when they’re that close to your head they rudddy sound like it too). Tried putting my sheet over my head but that made it worse as I could hear them landing on my ears.

10:30am - Gosh it would be great if I were sharing this boat with a hunky (single) man. I bet JL had some fun times on this. Maybe he still does with other women?

11am - Bloody hell, JB can talk for a fucking long time. Stop bloody repeating yourself and shurrup! Oh dear, I’m really not patient sometimes. He also seems to have assumed that I will be staying on the boat longer, though I don’t think I’ve said anything to suggest that. Maybe it’s because we just finished having sex 5 minutes ago. Doesn’t he know that’s how I roll? I’m not a woman who stays around. Ha ha eurgh no I haven’t and I would never do that. At least this travelling malarkey is teaching me that I have to be very clear with people. There’s no room for tact sometimes. I also have a bad habit of refusing things (taxis, extra stuff in restaurants) by saying “I’m OK thank you”. They probably see me shaking my head, but then smiling and saying “OK” and think bloody hell, is that a yes or a no?

11:30pm. It’s raining and now we have to wait on the boat before we can go anywhere. We’re first going to check the internet and I’ll see if my friend Sal’s emailed. This is because she’s going to be in Malaysia next week so I need to see if she has time to meet up. If so, I’ll stay in Malaysia. If not, I can get the ferry straight from Langkawi to Satun, Thailand. It’s only 30RM and takes less than 2 hours. But I’ve got my stuff together and told JL that either way I’ll leave the boat today. He keeps telling me that we can sail 20minutes away to a mangrove river where it’s still as being on land. But it’s not just the sea sickness, I just can’t envision spending another long night on board. I need some SPACE!

7pm
So I finally left. As I didn’t know where I wanted to go (there aren’t actually many appealing direct transport links from here, except Thailand) I’ve booked in to a hotel not far from the marina. Langkawi doesn’t seem to have many cheap options, especially not close to the pier, but this is I think the most basic I’ll find. It’s called ‘Langkawi Hotel’ and I got a basic double room with fan (shared bathroom) for 30rm. It’ll do for a night’s sleep. Not even sure if anyone else is staying here. When I told JL I was sleeping in a hotel he said “good idea, have a shower, sleep, then you can call me tomorrow if you want to come back on the boat.” Phewf I don’t think so, my boat days are over for the time being.

Again I had a ‘wretched’ moment today. JL was getting boat times at the pier and then telling the taxi men where to take me and I’m sure he was making it more complicated than it needed to be. I was getting so exasperated. I just wanted him to go and leave me to it. I was wringing the folded piece of paper I had in my hands and tearing it. It was such a relief to finally get in to the hotel room and be truly alone. Again, I don’t know if anyone in my situation would have felt that fed up and on edge or if it was because I’m off the tablets. Look up Pen, you handle these things a LOT better than you would have done 5 years ago. It’s just a matter of getting used to these feelings and knowing what to do when they start to brew.

Ha ha, JL has a pair of old shorts where the crotch has torn. They’ve been (badly) sewn up with thick white thread but have torn again since. When we were riding on the dinghy to land earlier today, I noticed that his shrivelled willy was hanging out of them and resting on the dinghy. Then on the way back to the boat - on the dinghy - I looked again and saw that his whole ball sack AND willy had snuck out. I wonder if he knew, or even cared. Oh bless him. I’m glad he’s not my dad or grand dad, as if he was I think I’d feel really sad to imagine him all alone on his boat with his torn shorts, smelly clothes and rotting apples. I’m sure he wouldn’t want my pity anyway though. He’s probably very content with his life.

10:30pm - Arghhh! Came back to my room after walking in the rain and dark, and was greeted at the door by THREE huge cockroaches. And I mean huge. One was as big as my hand. Well, not that big but as long as my palm span, at LEAST 4 inches. I screamed for ages. They scuttled away to the corners of the room but then a couple of minutes later, one emerged crawling on to mattress of the single bed (where I planned to sleep as the mattress was firmer). I screamed again and it ran off. Then I moved both of the beds away from the walls. I’m surprised no one came to see what was going on, I must have been making quite a din. There was then also a cockroach seeming to pull itself along the pipe at the edge of the room. I stomped up close to scare it away and I could hear it scuttling off.
So now I am sat in the middle of the double bed (with the overly soft mattress), playing with my new laptop. It’s got some really stupid games on here but they’re very addictive. Good job they’re all 60 minute demos. Anyway it’s keep me distracted. Every time I feel a tingle on my skin I jump. Also there’s a parade of small ants on here with me who have discovered the remnants of the nut mix I ate earlier (I scoffed a whole family sized bag in one go, that’s a minimum of 1000 calories. But I’m just making up for all the calories I’ve been deprived over the last week).

10:49pm - Eeeeek. A cockroach just climbed up again on to the single bed. It was moving very slowly and feeling around with its tentacles. I didn’t know what to do as I’m trying to follow ahimsi and not just instinctively kill everything that annoys me. But I didn’t have any kind of receptacle big enough to trap it under. Eventually I threw my hefty Lonely Planet book at it which made it fall off the bed. I’ve checked and I can’t see it anywhere which means it must have scampered away. I don’t know why I’m so bothered by them. I’m sure the cockroaches want as little contact with me as I do with them. What if they also paid to stay in this room tonight and they’re going back to their management saying “there’s an extremely noisy human in our room and she’s moving the furniture and even throwing things at us!” Even if one did crawl across my face in the night, it could hurt me. A cockroach can’t do anything to you except look ugly. Yet even though I know that, just thinking about them gives me goose bumps. Well I’m definitely sleeping with the light on tonight, I want to know if a cockroach is coming.

Sunday 24th August. 2nd day of Ramadan

Well some positive thinking and working of events is in order. It’s been ‘one of those days’, or ‘one of those evenings’ anyway. I spent the day at the Langkawi typing up this blog (and spent a small fortune on a coffee and sandwich). My plan had been to get the ferry to Kuala Kedah and then spend a few days there, in a hostel that -according to the Lonely Planet—is the only decent place (and not too pricey) in town. So I left it till 5:30pm to get the very ferry as I didn’t think I was in any hurry. Got to Kuala Kedah. Had to get a taxi to the hotel ‘Flora Inn’ which wasn’t too cheap (20rm). Once I was there though it turned out the inn was closed! I didn’t know what to do and was starting to get those anxious, upset feelings again. The taxi driver’s English was pretty limitied so I couldn’t ask him for any advice. So I said to take me to the bus station instead. So this was another 10rm in the taxi. Got to the bus station. The taxi driver thought I wanted to stay in a hotel there so he went in and asked the price. It was 55 rm and I said “outta my budget thanks” so I trudged into the station to find out where I could go. The options were pretty narrow, and I started to get upset again and close to tears. I was hungry so I decided to go get some food and think about my ‘options’. According to my guide book, the only place that I could get a direct bus to, that wasn’t too far was Kota Baru on the east side of the peninsula. To cut a long sotry, I ended up paying for a ticket to KB - although I’d only said “are there any buses this evening to KB?” and a ticket was bloody printed out for me.


So now I’m waiting for the 9:30pm bus to KB that should arrive there at 4:30am.Yes I’m feeling a bit shit. I don’t know what the frig I’m doing and seems as though I’ve spent way too much money on pointless stuff. Yes it’s been a couple of trying days...BUT, nothing bad has actually happened to me. Money in this sense is nothing. I’m going to visit a new place, and I’m bloody lucky that I have the option to do all these things and even have some difficult times. They’re not problems at all in the grnad scheme of things. I could be one of the people stuck in this shitty town who don’t have a choice but to stay here and work. So really, I’m not doing too bad. So yes, rather than thinking ”oh poo, I feel out of control and it’s all turning to pot” I can think “wow, what an exciting journey I’m on. What is going to happen next?!”

As the wise turtle in Ku Fu Panda says:
[i center]Yesterday is history; tomorrow’s a mystery; but today’s a gift (that’s why they call it the present)


Monday 25th August. 3rd day of Ramadan.

But he wasn’t there

Arrived in KB at 4:30am. Couldn’t really sleep on the bus as the driver really put his foot down and it was swerving all over the place. Also I didn’t want to miss the stop as I couldn’t tell what the driver was shouting at each destination. There were a few taxi drivers around when we I got off, but I felt like I’d wasted so much money recently on taxis and such that I was resolute that I wasn’t going to take one. It was a little annoying, the main taxi driver who was bothering me wasn’t very helpful in directing me where to go when he realised he wasn’t going to get any dough off me. So I set of with my 5kilo backpack (the laptop and extra books have added a little weight) traipsing through the dark streets at 4:30am, not really knowing where I was going. I did wonder if I was being a little stupid, refusing a taxi to save a mere 2quid. But it wasn’t just about the money, it was the principle! After asking the people outside the 7/11 I located ‘Ideal Guesthouse’ down a side street. However the gates were all locked up for the night. By now I really needed to relieve my bladder so I had to squat down in a shady patch and try not to let the weight of my backpack pull me over. Then it was back towards the 7/11 where I’d seen a hotel open that had some cheaper rooms advertised.

Once inside reception, no one could be found, so I sat down with a local newspaper in English and waited. A couple of people came and went but 30 minutes later no one had shown. By now I was peckish so I went back the 7/11 to get a hot drink and a snack. Outside they asked me if I was staying at ‘Ideal’ but I told them it was closed so I was waiting at ‘Sabrina Court’. At this news one of the men seemed a little surprised. On returning I found him waiting for me in Sabrina Court. He was the receptionist, but informed me that the only rooms they had available were 100rm and I should go to KB Backpackers down the road. This place was through a dark door way at up two flights of stairs. In side I found a couple of Malaysian guys sitting in the dark. “Do you work here?” - “no”. Oh. So I waited for a while.

Eventually one of the lads tried to locate someone could give me a room.

It was after 6am by the time I got into my shitty little room, and I set my alarm for 11:30 (check out time) so that I could go and book myself into ‘ideal’.

And what about Kota Bharu. Well it’s not a particualaly enticing place. Unattractive and not exactly pedestrian friendly. But this is why i chose Kota Bharu. My room is small and cheap and it’s the kind of place that is boring enough to allow me to sit and type up this blog without any distractions.

Wednesday 28th

Nothing of real interest to report has happened in KB. I’ve spent 3 full days here and have FINALLY typed up the old blog. Ideally I’d spend a few more days here catching up on all the emails and even writing a couple of little stories, but this place has kind of got me down so it’s definitely time to move on. To be honest I think this place is bloody depressing and I don’t know how anyone could live here if they have a choice. Yes I have met some friendly locals - there was Joe, the toothless old Chinese man in the Chinese restaurant who said he “liked my way” and gave me his phone number. I treid nt to get too excited though, I bet he does that with all the women who pass through. There was also “Poh” the muslim lady who worked in teh same restaurant and also gave me her phone number. Her English wasn’t too great so I’m not too sure what she expected me to do with her number. I couldn’t really ring her up to shoot the breeze. Then there was the lady in the haberdashery/wedding shop who said I was “so very very very cute.” Shucks.

Then again there was the moody old sow in the food court at the top of the shopping mall. I went in to get some sort of hot drink (I saw they had cappuccinos advertised there). But every time I went up to the counter she ignored me. I tried calling out to her and pointing at stuff but she just vaguely shook her head and look back down. A guy at one of the food counters called me over - his was ‘western food’ and so he seemed to think I’d definitely be wanting something. and asked what I wanted. He then called over to the lady who shouted something back. He told me I couldn’t have a cappuccino but to go over and ask for something else, which I did. Again I received the same hostile response from her. The man called me back over. I told him what had happened and he encouraged me to go and try again. He seemed pretty confifent that this time she’d serve me SOMETHING. This time she gave me a scowl...yes, a SCOWL and indicated the till with her head. I gathered that was her way of saying “I’m sorry dear, I’d love to quench your thirst for a caffeine hit but I’m afraid that the till is currently closed rendering me helpless in this matter.” I went back to the man at the food counter and conveyed this to the man who gave a shrug and a smile and said "yes. Come 4 o'clock." Gahhhh! Surely after working in the food court for even a few days, he would know that the drinks counter doesn't serve till 4pm. Why was he encouraging me to bug the drinks lady? I feel like I was a pawn in his game for pissing her off.

So anyway. I'm done with Malaysia for now, though I'll deffo come back at some point and explore it more.
In 3 hours my alarm will go off and I’ll be heading to the border and back into Thailand for a spot of Muay Thai action I hope.

---

---