One Last Goodbye?

'I want you to find a girl that's better than me.' She said to me as we were walking down to the train station. It was about 8:30 am, the weather was hot and the sky was pale grey. She wouldn't look at me for most of the way. 'I'm sorry I was unable to love you all this time. It was wrong of me...to take your feelings for granted like that. I thought all along I was just a temporary plaything to you. Maybe you think the same of me now.'
.
.
.
'I don't think any worse of you for having said that really...' I said.
'Don't- -you don't have to be nice. You're always too nice with me...maybe if you had complained to me more, I would have known sooner that you cared.' Is complaining how she shows she cares? 'I thought you were just flattering me to stay together for the summer.'
There were Jissen students walking up the hill with parasols, wiping sweat from their foreheads. 'There's- -not another girl that I want. There aren't girls that are better than you...at least- -'
'- -Don't lie Teddo. You're such a bad liar. I'll say it again. I'm sorry for not having loved you.'

We were silent the rest of the way.
'Good luck the rest of the summer.' She said, standing at the gate. 'I hope you find someone soon when you get back to school...you deserve it...'
'I don't, but, thank you?'
'Please call me when you get back...and every so often... It would be nice to hear from you. After this is all over, it'd be nice if we could be friends.'
'Sure...' I said uneasily.
We both grit our teeth. Neither of us forced a smile. I leaned in to kiss her goodbye, not on the lips, just the cheek. She stopped me with a hand on her shoulder.
「さようなら。」

She tuned and walked away. I watched her go. She didn't look back.

I moved out to marble benches in front of the phone bank. I was sweating powerfully and it wasn't even 9AM yet. I opened my phone, half expecting her to call at any minute and recant. She's not me though...What did I say?

Does that actually happen? You get so angry, you black out? I tried to piece it together. How you get from bearing down on a sniveling coward, to cursing yourself prostrate on his bed and begging his forgiveness. And why, if I'm so good in her graces, won't she take me back? Do I even wanna go back now? She never loved me, she said it herself. Most of me's been wanting out since week two anyways. But I was always too afraid to do it. I hate breaking up, can't deal with it. Always hurts her, makes me feel guilty. I can't stand the thought of being hated by someone I used to love, it's unbearable... - -Somehow, just now I ended up back off the leash without her hating me.

Wait, did I just win? I won didn't I.

- -And Kim leaves the mound, hanging her head, throws her glove at the dugout wall and hits the showers. Game over. Folks this could well be the last we see of Soon-Mi Kim suited up for this franchise.

金舜美：２勝２敗

...It's possible the current 1st basemen could take the hill for next week. She has some pitching experience with this team...other than that, nobody's in the bullpen. This team has no starters, no relievers, no closers and August is just around the corner. This could be the third year in a row that player/manager Ted Smith and his budding expansion franchise here in the J-league misses playoffs. Smith, who just won the game off a bases-loaded balk does not look very pleased with himself either. He knows he was lucky to get out of that batters box alive. So now the big question is, what's he gonna do now?




That was like the dream break up. Everything I wanted, just a few weeks ago. She lets me go and tells me I'm great and to go find someone better. So why did I feel so unsatisfied with it?

I decided not to call her. I should let this one sit a few days. Maybe she'll call me, or maybe this empty feeling will fade away. Maybe I'll meet somebody new, right away. I had plans for the day, I needed to get going. I went back to my house and packed a bag with my gym gear and a change of clothes and was back out on the line to Chiba before the hour was up. Two and a half hours later I was in in a small town somewhere further north and west of where I'd been the day before. There were trees out here. It was nice.

Although today was Monday (July 21st, 2008), it was a holiday. I'd been invited to Mr. Deguchi house out in Chiba for our annual surrogate father-son outing together. He picked me up from the station in his car and we drove out to the local recreation center to play Tennis with his Seniors Tennis club. I am decent at badminton, okay at squash and terrible at Tennis. Getting my sh*t kicked all over the place by a bunch of retirees wasn't exactly fun. Not to mention, the sun burns I got from being outside all day in that heat made my look like a goddamn lobster and it was hard to sleep for a week. Bonus, at least I got to see Mr. Deguchi's daughter in a tank top, and I went with them (and one more guy from the Tennis club) for Yakiniku (my favorite). Old people are also wise. As long as I avoided my usual choice of language and the explicit details I was able to discuss a lot of my generational woes at great length with these guys. I couldn't seem to talk about the breakup in front of his daughter though. Which is unusual because I usually pander for the soothing affections of older girls when I'm heartbroken. But the thought of being seen in that state of weakness by other men (notwithstanding one was her father) was too awful for me. I kept it to myself and buried it on the train-ride home. And there it stayed for the rest of the trip.

Tuesday (July 22nd) came and I spent all day packing and cleaning my dorm-room. I didn't get to out to say my goodbyes at NakaNaka or the Retro like I had planned. Likewise the fish-grill went unvisited. I settled for lengthy emails of thanks to the persons concerned. This was the summer of great expectations. This was the summer of compromise. Of misgivings. Of regrets. Of anti climactic endings. The ultimate season of disillusionment.

Wednesday morning (July 23rd) I woke up at 7:30. All my bags were packed. It was another overcast day. This would likely be the last time I ever set foot in the dorm. Likewise Tokyo would soon be gone from me. Jynu'ichi sempai called me to say goodbye, not knowing I hadn't yet left. He had the morning off, so he came over with tea and we sat on my stripped bed and went through what had happened the last few days. I gave him all the food and spices I had left, as well as some kitchenware that I didn't imagine I'd return for next summer. He was profusely thankful and profusely sorry to hear I was broken up for good (apparently) but he was excited to hear I was going to Osaka the next day. There's lots of sluts in Osaka. And the best part is, he said, that you don't have to buy them clothes like you do in Tokyo. I reveled in the possibility as we parted ways.

School was out for the summer. Both the high school across the street and the all-girls college down the way were empty. Kōshien was drawing near. I would pick up my brother tonight, we would hit the road tomorrow morning.

My summer of lame was over, but my season was not.

---

Batting Stats!!～
At Bats 75
Hits 25
1B 5
2B 4
3B 10
HR 7
BB 7
RBI 20
Struck Out 26
AVG .338

---

Part of trip: The Summer of Lame

---