Leaving it all behind

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So, I ate some vegemite yesterday...

I'm not sure if that means I am homesick, or that I was just hungry for something salty, but it was nice. -That in itself is scary as I was never a great fan of the spread. For those of you who don't know, vegemite is a concentrated yeast extract that Aussies eat on toast, and was probably dreamed up during a massive beer bender. It's strong and salty and not nearly as pleasant as Bovril...but thinly spread on toast with some butter or margerine, it can be rather nice.

It just made me think about home - as if I haven't been doing that enough already - I choose to take it as a sign that I am ready to come home. I do have my doubts about my decision but I think it's perfectly normal to second guess yourself in decisions of this nature. I had doubts about coming here in the first place too. Constant questions assailed me; 'Why are you going?' 'Are you running from something?' 'Don't you care about the people you're leaving behind?' 'Are you crazy?' etc. Now I have the same questions, but they're milder, and more wheedly, along the lines of 'Are you suuuuuure you're ready? Reeeally?'

The truth is...I don't know.

I had a lot of fun, and there is potential for more fun here.
I met a lot of people, who I won't see again, or if I do, it might be for a few days a decade.
I saw some amazing things, got to learn a new language, and there is still so much to see.
I have a great job, with friendly and helpful co-workers, and some funny interesting frustrating amazing students too. Will I feel this way about other jobs, coworkers and cares?

It all gets tumbled around in my head, so sometimes I feel like I'm making a huge mistake and sometimes I feel like the 26th can't come fast enough. I've decided now to just accept the choice i've made and get on with my life. If I go, I'll regret not staying, I'll miss my friends and wonder what might have been. If I stay I'll regret not leaving, I'll miss my friends and wonder what might have been. So really...It's the same deal, and I haven't got anything to lose....The upside is, in going home, I get to be surrounded by my closest friends, my family, feel my roots again, banish loneliness, and hug everyone I see. (You don't know how good hugs are until you move somewhere where they practically don't exist).

I've learned a lot about myself, living alone gives lots of time for inner contemplation. I know I can save money - if I have a solid goal. Saving money just to save money is still on my 'skills to learn' list. I didn't starve, - I only came close once - and I was able to pay all of my bills and not get kicked out on the street. I know I can survive alone, though sometimes it's unpleasant because you have no-one to talk to or share your emotions with. I know that if I'm put in an unfamiliar situation, that I can take my time to get to know my surroundings, make new friends and learn from others. I have a lot more confidence in my ability to get along in life. I feel more like an adult now that I ever had before, and though I am not a huge fan of growing up and being responsible, I know I'm capable of it. I'm not nearly so capable of doing my dishes and laundry regularly though...also on the list.

Overall I am just so proud of myself, not in a vain 'i'm so great worship me' way, but in a 'you set out to do something and you did it' way instead. I've always looked to others for acknowledgement of my achievements, whether it be looking to parents for encouragement through school or uni, or just wanting to get a laugh at the end of a funny story. Now I can look to myself for acknowledgement. It's still nice to hear from other people, don't get me wrong. Hearing a 'well done' or 'i'm proud of you' from mum or dad does set off that warm glow inside, but now I can give myself a little boost too if I need it and say 'wow...you just went for it...good on you'. I don't NEED external encouragement as much as I used to. It will still be appreciated for sure, but my own sense of accomplishment is currently keeping me on a natural high.

It's going to be hard to leave it all behind, but I just have to work on reaching the headspace where I can just go with it...it's time to open the next door, set off on the next adventure whether it be emotional, geographical or physical. People here aren't making it easier to leave either. I'm being told left right and centre that I will be missed, that I did a great job, that they don't want to say goodbye....it would be much easier to go if everybody hated me or was indifferent to me. If that were the case though, I don't think I'd have stayed so long. I couldn't have moved here, not made any connections and then just gone home, it's not in me.

Much better to love and lose than to never love at all!

xxx

p.s. There are more blogs to come on past events but I realised that if I left you waiting for the backlog, then you lose the spontaneity of thought and experience. It would be no use reading all of this once I'd already arrived home and started jabbering on about how much fun I was having.　Better to know how I'm feeling AS i'm feeling it I think. I'll update photos as I go along so check back periodically. Also, just e-mail me or comment if you want to know when i've updated, and failing that, just click the RSS button (I only just discovered RSS feed...durr).

Take care!

Note: For information on what exactly RSS is, click here.

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Comments

[Kathy]

You're right - whatever decision you make you'll have regrets. You just have to learn to live with them I guess. I don't know what it would of been like if I had lived in Japan alone, sans boyfriend/husband...would I have been able to stay ten years or just one or two?