---

If Legian is the average tourist's idea of paradise then they can keep it. When you think of Bali, you picture it as being a sleepy little island where the locals ride around on elephants and buffalo, the silence is broken only by the sea breeze blowing gently through the palm leaves above your head, the beaches are all white and spotlessly clean and it's generally a place where life takes on an easy going, laid back approach. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. The areas around Denpasar are like Ibiza on steroids!

Dunka dunka music makes a constant assault on your eardrums from every direction. Hedonistic, drunken twits wander around in search of their next conquest while members of the opposite sex wear as little as possible which can often be quite stomach churning, especially when the 'I've consumed a few too many pies' brigade have crowbarred themselves into the tightest lycra or bikini they can get their hands on. Don't get me wrong, I've always had a bit of a thing for the larger, curvier woman, but dressing like this is simply not becoming of a full figured 'lady' (I use that term lightly, especially where these err...'ladies' are concerned!). Whatever happened to modesty and dressing decently?….God, I’m starting to sound like my mum. The middle aged rot truly is starting to set in!

The traffic is almost as bad as HCMC in rush hour, no doubt due to the fact that the roads along the main coastal stretch are so narrow that only one car can drive down them at a time. I seriously believe that it would be quicker to walk out of town rather than use transport which seems to remain still and then advance a few cms every half hour or so. I suppose I’m now a little spoilt after experiencing the wonders of the Singaporean MRT system which more or less drops you outside your front door.

Thankfully, I spent just one day and night in this kitsch and tacky dump. We landed late so I didn’t fancy trekking too far in the small hours. The beach is filthy too. Several tons of flotsam had been washed up by the tide and the surf line was littered with plastic, bottles and a vast assortment of other waste items which were indicative of quite a few people having had a good time the night before! The Indonesians, bless 'em, were doing their best to clean it all up, but what a soul destroying job it must be to know that the next day, they would have to repeat the same procedure all over again!

The touts and stall owners are also as oppressive as they can be. Everywhere you go you are hassled by sunglasses salesmen, despite the fact that you have a pair hanging off of you and it is currently the monsoon season which means the sun has yet to put in an appearance. Watch out for the ‘Royal Resorts’ touts too. Although they are very friendly and admittedly quite helpful as far as advice about the local area is concerned, the ploy is to reel you in and get you to visit one of their resorts where you will more than likely be expected to sit through a long presentation before being given the hard sell. Of course, to tempt you they give you a card to open which on opening will inform you that you have won a major prize (surprise surprise!). The guy who gave me a card seemed genuinely shocked that I didn’t want to go and claim my ‘winnings’.

Another major shock after arriving here were the prices! My wallet and Visa card are still red hot after taking a severe bashing in Singapore and any hopes of me saving a few quid in Bali have been well and truly dashed. The Indonesian cab drivers seemed to have formed a cartel and as a consequence of this the standard charge for a cab from the airport to Kuta or Legian is a fixed 100,000 rupiah. So we went in search of someone to share with, which didn’t take long. Most car and private bus services seem to be vastly overpriced too, especially when one of the largest local travel companies, Perama, charge around 30-40% less to ferry you around the island. Food still isn’t too badly priced if you look around, but the local beer Bintang is still on the pricey side at around $2-3 a bottle.

Slowly but surely it seems that budget travel will soon be a thing of the past and the people who are solely to blame are the idiot tourists who willingly pay whatever they are asked. You can’t really blame the locals for putting their prices up either, who in their right mind wouldn’t do the same put in their position. However, I can see a time coming where many within the travelling and backpacking communities are going to be priced out of the market and like the situation that existed 50 years ago, travel will once again become the preserve of the rich and wealthy.

Like many of my fellow bloggers, I’m getting fed up with these blasted places that tend to promote the worst excesses of what the human race has to offer. So, a few years ago I decided to construct my very own mini ‘Death Star’ and slowly take these locations out, one by one. Here at TraveBlog, we pride ourselves on awarding worthy bloggers with Blogger of the Week and Photo of the Week awards. Soon, I will personally be adding a third called the ‘Vaporise a Grotty, Sleazy, Over Hyped, Tourist Hellhole Award’. To nominate somewhere that you really loathe and despise, you simply need to submit the longitude and latitude of the place in question (please make sure that you supply accurate coordinates, because I might become a tad unpopular if I start zapping sleepy fishing villages or historical landmarks that are nearby) and I will reposition my Death Star and blast the said town/village/beach/sexy lady bar into oblivion, free of charge. My weapon of mass destruction should be fully functional in the next few days barring any major sewage disposal problems and I’ll be ready to go as soon as I’ve put the finishing touches to the women's W.C on the main poop deck, that is of course once I decide whether to go for shell pink or a fey shade of magnolia and whether I should carpet or tile! Currently, on the waiting list are 1) Ibiza 2) Aya Napa 3) Haad Rin on Ko Pha Ngan 4) Pattaya 5) Kuta/Legian and I intend to use Apple's retail outlets and Tesco in Bratislava for some target practice while I’m fine tuning my lazer guidance system. If you wish to make any further additions to the above, please go to the forums page where I will willingly accept more suggestions.

Anyway, I’m out of here. Candi Dasa is my next stop and hopefully it will have a lot more to offer than the over touristed, sin cities of Kuta and Legian.

---