Published: September 27th 2011September 28th 2011
so it is just a few sleeps until i am back in cleanliness, fresh air, a place where i can communicate with people around me and where, if i am wiling to not wear a crazy outfit, i can blend into the crowd and go unnoticed.
i am loving painting with water colours and am finding the process extremely enriching because it is so revealing of the extent to which my impossibly high standards that i set for myself all the time are responsible for so much angst and are so limiting.
its nice to be ok with doing hte best that i can and just honouring myself for that and then being able to see that i am actually ok ,not terrible, and that being mediocre at something is no reason to give up or to condemn myself. i love my beautiful teacher and wish i had more time with her.
i am overcome by the fact that wherever i find myself i am gifted with meeting such beautiful, inspiring beings with whom i can connect deeply, intimately, if even for a few moments.
i love how much ability i have to shape my world. if i choose to see beauty and to be grateful, in wonder, everything around me falls into place, into flow. this is the case no matter what hte circumstnaces are.
as my journey really comes to an end i really need to be ready to return home, completely changed. i wonder, how will i readjust to my surroundings? will i miss the mayhem of this smelly congested city? will i find people in australia distant, cold, uncaring?
am igoing to find it difficult to fall into a routine, wil i feel stifled by the fact that i am going to be sleeping in the sme bed everyday? will i wish i was forced to tolerate having only cold showers from buckets?
am i ready to make the big decisions about my future that loomed above me like dark clouds, inciting doubt and fear?
i came in search of answers but feel that i am returning no less sure of anything. probably i am less compelled to ask questions right now..when you spend time in india you start to realise that asking 'why' is a futile exercise because tehre are so many things that you have no ability to control so it is pointless to contemplate the reasons for the injustice, disorder, inefficiency.
I know this kind of apathy is uncharecteristic of me, and im not proud.
today at the traffic lights, when i was accosted by the usual gang of individuals wanting to sell me things, begging for money, i noticed something that i really didnt like in my attitude. rather than just feeling guilty, and annoyed at being put in this situation, i actually felt a sense of irritation with these individuals, as though they were doing me harm, as though i had a right to wish that they were not interfering with me right at that moment. im extremely ashamed to admit this. i don't care if i was late, tired, on the phone, had no change, hadn't eaten lunch, was getting strung out because of the traffic or hte fact that my cab driver did not speak english and obviously had no idea where he was driving or how to locate my destination. there is no excuse.
it is categorically unacceptable not to show compassion to another being.
i was very humbled by this situation and hope not to repeat it.
as the new year is about to begin i would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone only the very best things.. love, health, abundance, tolerance, gratitude, patience, balance, resilience, determination...