Operation "Drive By"

Hi everyone. More of a newsflash than a proper update.

On a night bus from Aurangabad to Ahmedabad.

8:00pm we stop for a toilet break. VV is nicely relaxed on the bus and i suggest to her that now is the time to go to toilet if she needs to coz we probably won’t stop until the morning. She says she is fine and doesn’t need to go.

8:10pm After 10 minute break, the bus continues on its path north

8:27pm About 20 minutes later Vanessa produces a horrific smell that could kill a small child. I dismiss it as a one off!

8:37pm starts complaining of stomach cramps and needs the toilet. NEEDING THE TOILET???????? After explaining that we are in the middle of nowhere doing 70km on an Indian motorway in the pitch-black it would probably be best to man up clench as tightly as possible and pray it goes away.

8:42pm Cramps are getting worse and she is bent over in agony holding on for dear life. 3 Imodium administered but doesn’t seem to have any immediate effect. She persuades me to go to the front of the bus in the drivers cabin and explain in my fluent hindi/urdu/Maharashtra language (Would it be possible to stop the bus in order for my girlfriend to get out and take a dump on the side of the road.................. After a toilet stop 20 minutes ago?????". I get the customary wave of the hand and a flash of numbers from his hand which could be 40 minutes or 4:00am. Report back to Vanessa who is still holding on.

8:51pm Vanessa asks for a plastic bag?

8:52pm I get up and find someone who speaks English and I explain the situation. She then gets up, finds someone else who she explains to and this continues like Chinese whispers to the front of the bus. Eventually an old man gets up and speaks to the driver. The driver stops and operation "drive by pooping" is activated.

Note: At this point I should note that we don’t have any toilet paper. Only 3.5 non scented pampers baby wipes.

8:53 Vanessa runs outside with me behind her. She gets by the side of the very busy motorway and squats like the locals. Realizing this is going to get messy she explains that she will need to remove her trousers and underwear completely to ensure a safe and clean evacuation. She whips them off and squats stark bollock naked from the waist down much to the delight of passing traffic and the entire contents of the bus who are all looking out of the window wondering what the hell is going on.

8:56 After 3 minutes of this, the job is complete and Vanessa cleans up while i try and shoo away one of our bus drivers who is trying to get a closer look. With everyone on the bus's mind, completely corrupted and the side of the road being a no go area for at least 50 years, we get back on the bus and cry with laughter for the next 10 minutes.

NICE ONE VV!

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