Pandas are delicious! ...And other half-truths about China

Agent Reporting: Michael Saxe
Current Location: Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia
Mission Report: 2 Weeks in China
Mission Status: Complete

I arrived in China from Macau, slipping undetected through Chinese customs and their heat scanners. Despite my headache and nausea (sp?), I did not have the bird flu, but merely a hangover. To Gulin, arriving by the cover of night, then to Yangshou where I was met at the bus station by the Chinese agent meant to meet me at the airport, but screwed up. Luckily my survival skills are sharp and I managed my way without having to erase anyone. Many travelers become lost in Yangshou, disappearing into the terraced rice fields and scaling limestone outcroppings. The smooth flagstone streets make for easy walking, especially when lit at night by red Chinese lanterns.

From Yanghuo to Chengdu, where reports of Panda activity have been surfacing. Actually, 'activity' is a bit of an overstatement, as they mostly sit, eat and sleep. And get eaten. Mmmmm, boy, are Pandas tasty. Bullshit aside, it is remarkable to watch these creatures, I felt rather lucky to be able to see them. A hush came over the crowd as we watched them, most of us standing around with big dopy grins on our faces. There is also a temple in Chengdu, it’s pretty nice.

Chengdu to Xi'an. Two difficulties were encountered in this stage of the mission; the first being the pronunciation of "Xi'an" and the second being the inability to get a cab, especially when it is raining and I needed to get a train. Chinese cab drivers have an effective frown and dismissive wave when bothered by foreign tourists, who are powerless to get anywhere on their own. I arrived to do battle with the Terracotta Warriors, but I found them to be rather stiff opponents, as well as rather old. It is amazing how well preserved they are, with legions of soldiers standing guard over the tomb of some king whose name escapes me and that I doubt I ever knew in the first place.

I was able to leave Xi'an by bus, my most dreaded form of public transport, which was my only option because it was a holiday week and about, uhm, 400 million Chinese were traveling. I took a night bus to try and sleep, which I didn't. I was headed to Pingyao, a town with wonderfully preserved Ming dynasty walls and architecture. The bus was over-booked my two seats, and a delay of about 1/2 hour ensued as the driver and the extra passengers screamed at each other. I have never seen so many public displays of aggression as I have in China; everywhere people are screaming and slapping. Amusing. I met a Chinese girl who had adopted the English moniker 'Yoyo' ("I think its lovely," she said) who helped me out greatly as the bus dropped us at the side of the highway at 5am. She pretty much became my guardian angel for my 3 days in the city; every time I needed help, somehow she was right around the corner.

Then, accompanied by two German agents, I made my way to the capital, to have tea with Chairman Mao and walk laps of Tiananmen Square (which is exhausting, because it’s bloody huge). My overall mission experienced a critical failure in Beijing, as I didn't manage to see entombed Mao, thus breaking the chain that would have been Ho Chi Min - Mao - Lenin of my Entombed Communist Leaders Tour 2006. Maybe Castro will kick off on my way back and I can stop by Cuba for that.

Beijing is really, really, big. The scale of everything is enormous, it take ages to get to a street corner and even longer to cross the street. Big, big, big. I did some things, missed out on others. The things I did were: 1) Ate Peking duck. Mmmmm, duck fat. 2) Checked out the Temple of Heaven. Heavenly. 3) The Forbidden City. Mmmmm, under construction, crowded and tiring. 4) A 4 hour hike on the unrestored part of that big wall they have here. Maybe you've heard of it, its pretty great (ha!(that was horrid)) Mmmmmm....bacon. 5) Hung out with a nice Canadian girl who got a fever the night before she had to go back to Korea. Mmmmm, fever.

Highlight of China: The Great Wall hike. Fresh (for China) air, stunning views, great company and the fact that I was on the Great Friggin' Wall of China made it rather cool.


I have since taken a 30 hour train ride from Beijing into Mongolia, traveling through a sandstorm that left us all wrapping scarves around our faces. Currently in Mongolia and will file my next report when I am finished saving the day, writing wrongs, eating mutton dumplings and drinking fermented mare's milk. Stay tuned for such adventures as "A Nigerian soccer player took us to a Mongolian night club," "Our van driver sure likes Shakira," and "Why Ulaanbaatar is the Napanee of Asia" and many others.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled internetting.

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