Relationships …

I had an interesting chat with some students today in a quiet place on campus. We chatted generally on the subject of “emotions”, but soon ended up talking about girlfriends and boyfriends. Interestingly, students often talk about their “lover” or the lover they are hoping to find, though this notion is translated directly from Chinese - by all accounts, lover in Chinese seems to translate as friend, or edging towards close friend; or perhaps ‘special friend in a very platonic sense’. There is definitely no mention with the students of the idea of having sex in a relationship despite bandying the word lover around - although, students were uneasy, they were not discouraged at the thought of introducing the idea of sexuality into a discussion about relationships. Though, one young man was forceful in his opinion that being lovers is a relationship exists only between men and women, and that any relationship contrary to that is “abnormal” - bearing in mind, many students lack maturity and social experience. Other students giggled when the young man went into his, somewhat robotic, speech.

We talked a little about students who cohabitate, which has become widespread with numerous universities. Rented rooms are available for willing students who want to live together, though universities usually frown upon this activity, although, in 1999, when I first arrived in China, it was a widespread activity even then, and many teachers were surprised at the speed of change in this type of behaviour. There are also ‘happy hotels’ conspicuously situated near university campuses, where a room can be rented by the hour - personal time / nefarious purposes- one wonders? Again, interestingly when asked why social behaviour has changed so quickly, the economy and then the catch all bogeyman wicked western influences were blamed, particularly the western media (another catch all bogeyman) and the Internet were singled out - though the students had little in the way of response when I challenged these notions: Chinese television has little foreign influence; prostitution / concubines / pretty girls are hardly new concepts to China; although, the modern avaricious lust for money is a new and distorting concept, which demands further contemplation, particularly the long-term effects. Students blaming the west for China’s ills is a common occurrence.

The students were still uneasy about the concept of cohabitating though. One young girl from the countryside said that, because students are of an adult age, their parents accepted their choices, bearing in mind people from China’s countryside have a tendency to be conservative. This statement is contrary to my personal experience, as when parents pay a visit to see their offspring, any evidence of cohabitating has usually been removed. Students seemed then to be confused about the consequences of cohabitating - I was told that ‘good girls’ don’t cohabitate with boys and good girls abstain from sex before they are married; whereas, for boys most bets are off (boys with be boys syndrome) - which runs contrary to making an adult choice, although, a boy who constantly changes girlfriends, is labelled a “playboy”, which is wholly negative. Though, one girl did mention that cohabitating could be a trial run for marriage, but I think this idea was simply floated. Again, I got a confused message from students - I was left with two somewhat contradictory statements: China is changing fast and being ‘corrupted’ by an unfair western influence with Chinese people offering little opposition / China is a traditional country, which doesn’t accept such things as casual sex and cohabitating students.

I asked the students when a boy or a girl became their boyfriend or girlfriend. I told them that in the west you could ask: do you want to be my girlfriend? However, they thought this approach far too direct. The girls told me that they would spend more time ("perhaps “make eyes with him”) with a boy and make a special effort to “look after him”, when he’s ill for example or if he needs some special help. Gradually, a relationship is formed and drifts into becoming more permanent - marriage follows.

Appendix

I have just witnessed a funny thing: a young student couple taking an evening stroll around the university campus have just been instructed by newly appointed student security guards, also strolling around the campus, not to put their arms around each other's shoulders while in public. My university is having an official government inspection next week and it is believed spooning couples won’t project the right image.

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