in my head and out of my mind

It's been a week of ups and downs, sometimes being those moments where you think you've got it all figured out, soon followed by the stark reality that you're nowhere close. I wonder if this qualifies as momentary foolishness followed by a flash of brilliance.

In between everything this week have been little bits, little glimpses, of things. Some are jsut random acts by other people that give me a little smile. Some are just surreal.

I looked at pictures from when I first got to Zhuhai in August and saw those excited, hopeful faces. We were eager for new beginnings, new friends, new ideas. Some days reality helps those dreams along, some days it bites it in the ass.

I saw myself on vacation. I was excited, even when I was terrified or unimpressed. I was in INDIA! It was new, different. I was exploring, pushing my boundaries, trying new things, refusing to try others. I held conviction and found new ones. I became convinced of things I never thought possible, I saw things I never dreamed of, pondered new ideas. It's like what my first grade teacher said to us one day in the library, "Someday, many of you will have jobs that haven't even been though of yet." I tried to understand that, figure out what those jobs were, but my little 7 year old mind couldn't quite do it. Neither can my 30 year old mind. I was pondering what was in front of me and the metaphysical, pushing the ideas, stirring them. Wondering if others around me where too, or if they were just watching and waiting for something to happen. These were things I never would have thought to think about had I stayed home.

I looked at pictures of myself from when I was a kid. There I am, barely able to sit up as proud papa looks on. There I sit in the highchair with crayons in one hand, pink plastic phone in the other, deciding which hand to write with while my mother snaps the photo, wishing I would make up my mind. None of us even dreamed that those crayon-gripping hands would hold chopsticks or that my weak, I-can't-sit-up-on-my-own body would one day be riding camels, scaling rocks, practicing tai chi. We never imagined my bright, innocent eyes would one day be learning to read Chinese, hiding feelings, seeing pain and others' longings.

I saw pictures from a few years ago, when I wanted more, but China was yet thought of, the bank my bleak future. I wanted out, but didn't know where 'out' was, much less how to get there.

These were soon followed by pictures where I knew I was going to apply, had applied, knew I was accepted but hadn't told anyone. It was like a secret life I was dying to talk about but couldn't. I could see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel was reflected in my eyes.

If I knew then what I know now...
sometimes I wonder how that would really change things. Would it be wise? Or would you not end up knowing the things you know now, and thus be able to know then the things you know now?

I'm looking forward to pictures taken this summer. I haven't decided where I'm going yet. My original plan was to go to Thailand (on the top of my list), followed by Laos and Cambodia and Vietnam--the usual trip that everyone takes. But part of me is rethinking this plan. Perhaps it would be better to see China. I have the visa. As a resident, I can probably get access to areas that normal tourists can't. Travel would be easier for me. I'd have a cell phone. There's so much of China I want to see, I can't possibly see it all in my lifetime. I should get a start.

I was reading a posting today on another blog, and the author was talking about things we do in our free time. We read, eat, sleep, spend time with friends, write. That's the short list that everyone gives. No one is willing to admit to wandering around bookstores for hours, reading large sections of books and putting them back on the shelf, or making excuses for getting another ice cream cone. (We currently cite a lack of dairy in our diets as our reason.) Or, my favorite, paraphrased, spending time thinking about when we'll finally read Proust, how that will affect us. I always wonder when I'll get around to reading the complete works of Shakespeare. It's on my list. But then something always comes up, or I'm suddenly lacking motivation or think I'm lacking in the necessary time for such an endeavor. It goes for all the classics that we're supposed to have read in high school and college, but which my school didn't require and I didn't take any Lit classes in college.

I find myself researching random things online, avoiding Wikipedia like the plague. Sure, in many cases it's a good source of info, but it has no scholarly value, making me question its reliability. So far this week I've read up on the history of Japanese writing systems, the lexicology and morphemics of Chinese. (I blame Hessler and my linguist friend for these.) I'm hooked.
Who knows what will come next week.

I am still reading my newspapers almost daily. Somedays I read 2-3, somedays I barely have time to read my email. And then there are the days when the top news story on CNN is celebrity gossip and I worry about the future, only to be comforted by IHT, who is focusing on the rest of the world and real stories. It keeps me reading.

In the midst of all of this hum-drum excitement I still find time to practice my characters, one stroke at a time. I can now tell you I'm Superman. 我是超人.

I even managed to go to the movies with my friends last weekend. We saw the new Tom Cruise movie, Valkyrie. If you know me, you know I have an odd fascination with WWII and Nazi Germany. Valkyrie is the true story of the last plot to overthrow Hitler, aptly named after the name of the military operation. Afterwards we went out for drinks and laughed ourselves silly. We were quite happy no one around us spoke English, since most of our jokes and stories were a bit off-color. But then, the best ones usually are. It's moments like these, the ones I know are fleeting, the ones I hoped I would have when I got here, that make the hum-drum day-to-day less hum-drum and more of a joy.

It's not what you do, it's how you do it.

And right now, I'm writing to Tom Waits while drinking jasmine green tea. And the beat goes on.

---

---