The secret to shopping (at WalMart) in China

I've been here long enough and have shopped enough now that I feel ready to comment on the secret to shopping in China. I'm not talking about small booths where you have to barter and always wonder whether or not you got ripped off. No, I haven't even begun to delve into that world. I'm referring to a regular ole Joe Schmoe Walmart pitstop. What secret, you may ask, is required of a jaunt into Wally World?

First, it is important to remember that there are, like, a million billion people here. And a million billion people require a million billion jobs. And most of them are supplied by WalMart. You can't walk down any single aisle without bumping into at least two or three WalMart associates. And they all want to help you, whether you need help or not. If you so much as glance at a quilt it is magically removed from it's bag and unfolded for you. If you browse the mop aisle there is a gentleman there ready and willing to demonstrate every single mop and broom. Every one.

Last week I went to the mart of walls to pick up a cheap table lamp. I found one on the second floor for 21 yuan. The girl who helped me look through every single one (even though I didn't need the help) told me where to find the lightbulbs. I took that as a sign that my Mandarin is improving as I understood her, right down to what aisle the lightbulbs are in. Back on the first floor I walked into said aisle and went straight for the cheapest bulb: only 2 yuan. Immediately two associates were on me like white on rice (bad analogy, I know). Apparently I needed the fancy halogen bulb for a handsome price of 24 yuan. I wasn't about to spend more on the bulb than what the stupid lamp cost. They actually took the cheap bulb from me, put it back on the shelf, and (after plugging the halogen bulb into an outlet to show me how beautifully efficient it was) put the expensive bulb into my cart. I took the halogen bulb out of my cart and picked up the cheap bulb again and again they took it from me! So there we were, locked in a Mandarin/English argument that I knew I wasn't going to win. I took the halogen, said 'thank you' and went into another aisle where I promptly dumped the bulb and the lamp.

I returned four days later determined to get my cheap lamp and a cheap light bulb with minimal confrontation. I went upstairs, grabbed the first cheap lamp I saw (I lucked out, it was purple) before the ninjagirl, I mean, attendant could attack me there, and went downstairs. I walked casually by the light bulb aisle but did not enter at first. One of the halogen pushers was there. I waited until I saw her go around the corner. I ran as fast as I could, grabbed the 2 kuai light bulb and ran out of there. I found a quiet spot, which isn't that easy to do in China, and checked to make sure I grabbed the right light bulb. Just then, another WalMart Ninja repelled down from the ceiling or something to 'help' me with my lamp. I then turned into Rude American Girl, grabbed my lamp and light bulb from him and stomped away.

Good news: I got my cheap lamp. Bad news: I had to turn into Rude American Girl to do it. I don't like turning into her. I feel like every time I turn into RAG, I lose a little bit of myself. One day there will only be RAG, and I will be gone.

And that is the secret to shopping (at WalMart) in China. And I still need a mop.

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