What Do People in China Call Their Good Plates?

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Chinas flagPublished: February 18th 2011Asia » China » Beijing
February 18th 2011
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I have no idea what sort of depraved perverseness Mike had planned. The authorities cut him down pretty quick when he started ripping his shirt off.
Chinese people love fireworks like Americans love sedentary lifestyles, remote controls and sitting down. We went to Beijing for Chinese New Year (the Koreans call it Lunar New Year) which I had heard was the largest fireworks display on Earth. I love fireworks but at a certain age they do loose a bit of their wonder so I wasn’t too pumped for this part of the trip. We landed on New Year’s Day and were immediately thrown into complete firework madness. This isn’t a professional firework show, this is every single person in the city setting off thousands dollars of fireworks on every street corner in the city for 48 hours, reaching its mind blowing crescendo at midnight. There’s no way to explain it, no
" target="_blank"> video does it justice* and you have to be there to experience it. These aren’t jumping jacks and bottle rockets, these are professional grade rockets that people are setting off on the street, shooting up and raining buildings, cars and people with sparks, for 48 straight hours. It’s no wonder that buildings all over the China go up in flame, most famously their nearly constructed, horribly expensive CCTV (Central China TV, the government broadcast compay)
ThieveryThievery
Thievery
Maria stealing a piece of the Great Wall.
headquarters. The Chinese treat fireworks like Catholics treat confession, they are thought to wipe away your bad deeds from the year before. Raped a baby? Fireworks. Beat your wife? Fireworks. Befriended a midget? Fireworks. Easy atonement in explosive form. It sure beats talking through a metal screen to someone who knows your mom.
Our giant travel group consisted of a loose alliance of teachers from Korea, all bound together by the fact that we knew Brian, the dad from Urkel-looking fella pictured below. The smaller group that I spent all my time with however consisted of myself, Maria and Racist Mike Crumblies. I’m sure you’ve heard of Mach Speed, well we invented Mike Speed which is the exact slow speed of speech that causes people to fall over asleep or dead before finishing a sentence. He talks like a mixture of my grandpa and the
&feature=related" target="_blank"> turtle from the Neverending Story.
We went to M(-utianyu) section of the Great Wall b/c it generally has less tourists and it has this
" target="_blank"> amazing slide down. I laughed embarrassingly hard the entire way down as I repeatedly slammed into Mike and was smashed into by Maria, I can’t recommend
Great Wall Great Wall
Great Wall
Derelict.
this too highly. I mean, who gets to slide down the Great Wall? On arriving we immediately went to the part of the wall they tell you not to climb b/c it’s collapsing and overrun with trees and such. We didn’t see another tourist there the whole day, which gave us the opportunity to take these absurd jumping pictures and mock people who love following rules, like Germans.
We also went to the zoo, Maria rode a panda while I arm wrestled one and Mike just stared at his quite racistly. I made a 25 second compilation video of our trip to the zoo, so if you haven’t clicked on any other link I painstakingly put in this blog, try
" target="_blank">this one at least. Someone should make a zoo where you can eat every animal in the zoo. That’d take that smug look off those snow leopards’ faces.
I know this sounds like sacrilege, but if you can only visit one palace type place in Beijing I would recommend the Summer Palace over the Forbidden City in a heartbeat. Like Racist Mike said, “Once you’ve seen one palace they all look the same… like Asians.” We got to walk all
Photo shootPhoto shoot
Photo shoot
Mike was our 3rd wheel and photographer.
the way across a frozen lake (and take jumping pictures on said lake) and get a view of the Palace you can’t get during the summer.
Nice thing about this trip as compared to the last one was that there are less people. I know I sound like Racist Mike now, “the best part about the trip is there are less Chinese people in China” but really it’s just that the subways were not as full, the lines didn’t exist and other than one belligerent taxi driver everyone was cool. If there’s a drawback to Asia it’s the crowds, and there weren’t too many as we were there during a holiday. This also meant the markets were closed but I got my shopping in last trip anyhow.
The rest of the trip was basically us going to get massages. We got 4 hours worth in our last three days. They train the blind to be masseuses in China, which makes sense since you don’t have to be able to see to grope people. Maria’s masseuse was as blind as they come, burped like a drunk person in a cartoon and was by far the best at his job (and she
AwkwardAwkward
Awkward
Look how cute Mike is awkwardly trying to get in on the hug.
totally Bogarted him the whole time). I tried to pretend my lady was blind in one eye, or at least farsighted but I know she could see like a damn eagle and treated my body like a bag of trash because of it. You know what was a kick ass invention if you’re deaf? Text messaging.
Oh, we did go see the Chinese acrobats one night, which is basically Cirque du Soliel without the dirty French Canadian origin and shorter acrobats. It went a lil’ somethin’ like &feature=related" target="_blank"> this. Our hostel, The Happy Dragon, was cool, it helped that our group was so big. The shower sucked though and was like being peed on both in water pressure and temperature and they tried to pull a fast one by refilling a Head & Shoulders bottle with dish soap.
If you care for a less derogatory (aka more accurate) portrayal of Racist Mike Crumblies you can access his blog here. I don’t know why you’d bother though as his blog has never won any accolades or awards of any type. He does however give a day by day of what we did and has more pictures if that sort of thing
Taking some jumping photos at the Great WallTaking some jumping photos at the Great Wall
Taking some jumping photos at the Great Wall
interests you.

Anyways, I'm headed to America's Hat in the morning and then to Big Willy Strawn's wedding so I'll see some of you soon. Heart.

Movie: I've been watching the ESPN 30 for 30 documentaries. My favorites are The Two Escobars, Run Ricky Run, Without Bias, and Who Killed the USFL. I've only watched like 20 thus far. Only.

Book: I finally finished the 11th Robert Jordan monstrosity. There’s that I guess.

Youtube: I love " target="_blank"> this and " target="_blank"> this.

Song: " target="_blank"> Material Things by Jake Troth

Chinese handcuffs, "It's a trap!"
~T

Smells like trash, tastes like butthole. ~ A girl on the bus to the Great Wall describing stinky tofu.

Hey, rub those on my titties! ~ Girl on the Beijing subway, in English, talking about condom balloons.

What did 5 Chinese people say when they came out of a janitor's closet? SUPPLIES! ~ Racist Mike being a racist.


*this video does a good job of showing the broad perspective, but being on the street with it all is better.
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Tyrone Biggums
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For centuries China stood as a leading civilization, outpacing the rest of the world in the arts and sciences, but in the 19th and early 20th centuries, the country was beset by civil unrest, major famines, military defeats, and foreign occupation. A...more info
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TimingTiming
Timing
Some people have it.
Some don't. Some don't.
Some don't.
Angry Lotus poseAngry Lotus pose
Angry Lotus pose
Mixed with painful horizontal jump.
He's raising me with his mind.He's raising me with his mind.
He's raising me with his mind.
The Summer PalaceThe Summer Palace
The Summer Palace
Jumping pics on IceJumping pics on Ice
Jumping pics on Ice
When it's in the mid-40's. How else are we to be sure it's solid?
Me destroying Mike's Self EsteemMe destroying Mike's Self Esteem
Me destroying Mike's Self Esteem
during ice jumping pics at the Summer Palace
RMC recognizing my superior jumping skillsRMC recognizing my superior jumping skills
RMC recognizing my superior jumping skills
and paying tribute
Ice skater poseIce skater pose
Ice skater pose
A no trumpet sign we sawA no trumpet sign we saw
A no trumpet sign we saw
Outside the Forbidden City. Just as I was about to wow some folks with a lil Revelry. I ain't happy.
Nationalistic BabyNationalistic Baby
Nationalistic Baby
That's one China lovin' baby.
Kid pooping at the Forbidden CityKid pooping at the Forbidden City
Kid pooping at the Forbidden City
The pants that kids wear here have a giant slit in the back, so they can squat and poop whenever. No diapers. 40% Genius, 60% pure Nastiness.
Trip planner BrianTrip planner Brian
Trip planner Brian
AKA Carl Winslow.
Heart.Heart.
Heart.






Comments

D MJ Binkley
Dave & Merry Jo Binkley
Date: 18th February 2011

Creative photos
Looks like you are having plenty of fun.

From Blog: What Do People in China Call Their Good Plates?

cabochick
Andrea
Date: 19th February 2011

jump jump
Couples who jump together stay together. Maria could work on her horizontal though.

From Blog: What Do People in China Call Their Good Plates?

elJardineros
elJardineros
Date: 23rd February 2011

mad skills
your skill with photo manipulation, pulling off horizontal jumps without breaking a wrist and surviving the Great Wall version of an alpine slide make, once again, for high entertainment you guys are a riot

From Blog: What Do People in China Call Their Good Plates?
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Nigel O Mahony
Nigel O Mahony
Date: 25th February 2011


This is priceless, took me a while to work out it was photoshopped too LOL :-)

From Blog: What Do People in China Call Their Good Plates?

Dad
non-member comment
Date: 3rd March 2011


Another midget comment!

From Blog: What Do People in China Call Their Good Plates?

brad
non-member comment
Date: 24th March 2011

photoshop
your photo shopped ponytail is beautiful!

From Blog: What Do People in China Call Their Good Plates?



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