Office alone

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It's lunch time! But I'm up in the office (which, if I haven't mentioned, is actually an apartment with office desks set up - not very conducive for working indeed but they're moving end June I think), being anti-social and lunching alone. Actually I have been getting takeaway most days this week, not really fond of the outside food and the hassle of eating (the whole works from deciding where to go and ordering and paying) in a large group. Also I feel like I need some alone time after yesterday, to do some "admin work" - administration of my life and conduct, that is. Ha. Also also, I wanted to continue my online chats, it's rare that so many friends are online and available at the same time. Also also also, I wanted to plan out things to do during the 3-day holiday next week - Qingdao solo travel plans have been postponed because ALL train tickets fully booked! And come to think of it, it's probably not the best time to travel if you have to justle with a 1.3 billion crowd - obviously not so much, but the (probably still very significant) proportion of which has decided to go to Qingdao... Also also also also, I wanted to catch 海派甜心！I have never been a taiwanese idol-drama fan, probably even a one-time idol drama dissident, but the streaming here is really quick so I decided to give them a try and ended up watching 5 海派甜心 episodes in one setting... 罗志祥 is too cute to miss!

This is so like me, substantiating my anti-social behaviour with a thousand and one reasons as if solitude is a crime. Often I irk myself by being too concerned about what others think of me and then I hurt myself by not being myself. Over the years though, I must say, things have changed for the better. After coming into contact with people of all sorts from all over the place, the confidence within has grown from zilch to a spark to a glowing flame. I have long learned that genuine, sincere relationships comes only after you are able to be truthful to yourself and your friends, which in turn happens only you are comfortable with who you are deep down inside and confident of showing this raw, organic self to the world, with no strings attached (including after thoughts about what they might think of your raw, organic self). Bit by bit, I'm growing. The need for substantiation and justification still comes once in a while, but now I'm no longer afraid to do/say what I really want. And I have learnt to do that tactfully and in tune with circumstances.

And today's quiet lunchtime is essentially to self-reinforce this. I need to believe - no matter where I am, regardless of who the people around me are, and how they behave - in myself, my principles, my substance. All these probably sounds very abstract so I need to provide some context. I don't want to offend anybody but I want to be really truthful here, so...

You know when they say it's a dog-eat-dog world? IMO this is true to a far extent and we all display cannibalistic traits (which I believe stems primarily from jealousy and desire to be above everyone else), even if involuntarily. So there was this project that the interns in our office was supposedly in-charge of, but then another colleague supposedly "stole" the idea, without having discussed anything with us. And then there was this sponsored trip to XX province which one of the interns was sponsored to go for, by the mere fact that he is "blonde and has blue eyes" (he doesn't actually, but I hope you knoww what I mean), and the rest were not informed at all... maybe these are just cases of miscommunication, maybe (actually, most certainly) I am thinking too much, but what I'm trying to say is that, office politics is stirring just when I naively thought I've found a utopia of an office with a fun, laid back ambience and where co-workers are sincerely appreciative of one another, when "co-workers" actually become "friends".

Or maybe I'm just too quick to judge people, as always. And then when I get to know this person better, and he/she turns out not to fit the dimensions of this "mould" I've created, I feel this sense of... disappointment? loss? I'm not sure.

And on the other hand, I don't want myself to... accommodate people even if their personalities and mine don't really, you know, click. Like if someone smokes wheat and I'm anti-smoking (like smoking whatever), why do I sometimes feel obliged to go, "Oh so you smoke wheat. You're an addict. You're cool." Now we're back to the dilemma of being yourself. I don't want to practice double (multi, even) standards. I don't want this desperation to be accepted by others. I want just to stay the way I am, to be MYSELF, to stand for who I am and what I believe in. Must keep telling myself that.

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