Hanoi-Beijing 3145 km of rocking & rolling.

I had been in a total head spin for weeks regarding the cheapest and most time effective way of entering China then touring China, all within 30 tight visa days. Where to start? I had checked out flights while in Cambodia back in March which were roughly around $150 from Hanoi to Hong Kong, suddenly in May they had jumped to $350 inclusive of tax from anywhere in Vietnam to anywhere in China. Although we try our best to live like flash packers on a basic backpackers budget, spending $700 felt insane. The buses were quoted at $79 and changed at the boarder from hard seat to sleeper, this would take 45 hours from Hanoi to Hong Kong, but after our sleeper bus experiences I could not face any more hours cramped on a bus. The next option was the train, something both of us quiet enjoyed while to'ing and fro'ing from Sapa. This cost us $150. We finally decided to go straight through to Beijing and then criss cross back down the country, this we were told would take 50 hours, for this cost we were promised much lie down luxury, similar to the Orient Express, I didn't hold my breath.



As soon as we got out the taxi at the station this weirdo man grabbed both our tickets and ran through the station with us in flustered tow, lucky id just de-cluttered and feng shuied both backpack, shoulder bag and my MP3 player which was a total mess of songs, thanks to my acupuncture energy sessions I sprinted after him with no problems. He kept telling us to sit there, sit, sit here, not sit there, he was clearly drunk. I grabbed back our tickets when he was distracted which threw him a bit. The night train was to leave at 18.30, he ran up the platform in front of us, we had our tickets punched by two officials with no problems, we got on one of two run down, shitty, carriages which I thought was a fine start and a poor show, he showed us to our cabin, then what do you know he made a right old scene about payment, we gave him 20,000 dong, $1.50 and told him to hop it. He then started screaming and screaming for 50,000 and that our tickets were wrong. I asked the French boys in the next cabin what their tickets looked like, theirs were different to ours, a white booklet with tickets in it. I also asked a lovely couple from Utah, they had different tickets to ours, again a white booklet with tickets in it, ours was a green slip that looked like an invite to a garden fate with a free raffle ticket attatched. I stayed calm and went to call our wonderful hotel 'Gia Thinh' who confirmed our tickets were fine and we would not be thrown off the train in the middle of the night in the middle of know where, as I was on the phone a young man who spoke English came out from know where, he told me the ticket was fine and the ranting man in question was a local scammer, what he does is pass the likes of us on to his drunk mate somewhere on the platform who has an unofficial copy red arm band and red stamp to match that is also totally bogus which says 'Arse Hole Suckers & current date' in Vietnamese and charges $10 for this humiliation, but the ticket stays the same. So I was wise not to panic nor listen to this 'scrotumbollockologist -13/05/2008'.



I returned to the cabin to find Stu squashed in the corner with six over sized breathing porcelain dolls, along with various sizes of luggage that blocked all fire exits. They looked Chinese yet they didn't sound Chinese nor English, it sounded more like Russian and they completely took over our two bottom berths including all available space between, they banished us both to the low ceiling top berths right under the Siberian blizzard of air con which was similar to being a test dummy in a wind tunnel at sub zero temperatures, I was all wrapped up like an Eskimo. The ladies talked, yacked, applied make up, ate noodles, talked ,yaked, applied more make up and ate more noodles, it was relentless. We left the station at 18.30, the train rocked and rocked, I turned onto my side as motion sickness was kicking in, the train rolled and rolled then slammed to a halt, it stopped for what seemed like for ever, I was half waiting to hear the familiar sounds of a hammer, a spanner and duck tape, but thankfully nothing doing. It continued to drag along, cars passed us, mopeds passed us, disabled motorised wheel chairs passed us...this was tedious, to think it would to be like this for a whooping 3145 km's of pure ear ache from the ladies and tummy turning nausea for an estimated 50 hours into valuable Chinese Visa time. I said my prayers for good health and greater safety to Buddha, Jesus, Allah ( to that person who emailed me and asked if im a Muslim, im not. But like Pi in 'Life of Pi' book I appriciate all religions) Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva, GOD, Yahweh, God of Google & Matt Bellamy Rock God, finally fully armed with Godly insurance, assurance and good blessings I fell asleep.




We were abruptly awoken at midnight and told to take all our stuff and get off, the clack of lower berth women just sat there, I gestured for them to take everything off, by clapping my hands together saying 'chop chop' like Mary Poppins, they finally left the train, but silly others had left all their luggage on board, the train shortly left the platform. We had arrived at the Vietnamese boarder of Dong Dang, this was a simple affair. Everything material (well some clearly didn't understand this part) and everyone human (they understood that part), go to one booth hand in departure ticket, get passport stamp, ink was unfortunately a bit dry and rubbish on this occasion, but still visible. Back on to a newer Chinese lush train with a plush red rug runner in the isles, one scrummy duvet, two soft pillows that smelt of forrests, but we were to continue sharing with Russian speaking chatter boxes, the Chinese trains top berths had more space and the AC had been carefully designed not to turn noses in to igloos and running snot into icicles.



We moved off at 01.35 am and a team of Chinese customs officials and passport control people popped in to ask for passports and look at our bags then read us ancient old Chinese good night stories, they asked if we were 'Eingor', we said yes, 'Eingorish' they did everything offical while we slept. I listened to my MP3 as we sped faster than any milk floats through the southern parts of China, we thankfully missed the earthquake effected areas and God Bless to all those hundreds of thousands effected, it truely is heart breaking. I got comfy under my soft duvet as I changed sleeping sides I glanced down to see one Russian lady totally naked and very comfy as she slept half out of her duvet. Morning came quick and we were awoken by the Russians this time they were half dressed in nighties, pins clipping curled hair, eating more pot noodles. At the end of each isle is a hot water boiler, which I thought was a very sensible idea as noodles are all the Vietnamese and Chinese seem to eat. Stu and I got deli sandwiches made up special for the 3 day journey, which if I'm honest the veggie salad ones lasted around the 22 hour mark before things went soggy. Western toilets are to the right, they are very clean as no one uses them, squat loos to the left, messy stinky and impossible to balance upon.

CHINA +8 hours GMT, but on a different planet

We were told to leave the train again, but this time to take only small bags with us as we had arrived in Nanning.....CHINA. Oh it felt good to get off the train, the air was cooler and seeing all the train attendants stood in line greet us like we were in a royal line up. We were told to go to the waiting room, (which I must say for other travellers doing this same route that this is a perfect time to take all chargers MP3, Mobile phone, with you. The charging points are hidden behind the massive AC units, in all 4 corners of the room, one night of MP3 listening my battery had run down by ¾.) This waiting room had plush armchairs and Stu was soon asleep with his head tilted backwards and his mouth half open. We boarded the train again and I managed to chat to the French boys who were really pissed off as they thought they were going to Guangzhou but had only just realised they were actually now going to Guilin, they bought the wrong ticket in Hanoi. The lovely couple from Utah Fred & Gerry gave me great information such as where the best area to stay in Beijing is and how much the Yuan is against the dollar.

$01 = 07.10 Y
$05 = 35.51 Y
$10 = 71.01 Y
$20 = 142.03 Y
$50 = 355.07

Lots of this going on....

Y
$100 = 710.04 Y

This information is priceless when trying to work out where you can afford to stay, this part of the journey is the first time either of us have bought a Lonely Planet in one whole year of travelling.


I read another fine book.

The 5 people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albon. Beautiful story about a man's last few hours on earth and the first 5 people he meets while wandering through heaven, these people shaped who he was on earth. My copy was a terrible photocopy from the streets of Hanoi as half of all the tops of its pages were also the A-Z map of Hanoi.



The train had an inbuilt radio that played the Chinese version of Bat out of Hell at high screeching volumes, then Chinese Radio 4 played this weeks 'The Chinese Archers' which personally I find the English version quite hard to follow, then Bat out of Hell again followed by renditions of Happy Birthday To You (fondue style). I hunted high and low and finally found the off button,( it is on the right window side of cabin hidden between top and bottom berths.) The French boys and Gerry and Fred from Utah departed at mountainous Gulin, they gave me their fruit chips for which I was very grateful as our food was starting to turn into liquid and we had no Yuan currency nor pot noodles, we were told in Hanoi that the train will take our Vietnamese dong for the whole way, for the record this is not true, but you can do black market with harmless individuals in near by cabins, who also are amused to have buxom 'Eingorish' woman chat rubbish to them.



The second night on train Stu and I were in need of SOME space, but this was never going to happen, we were in such a small space we started to go a bit insane and slagged them off in a 'Knowing me Knowing you Ah ha Alan Partridge manner, my legs and lower back were aching from lying down most of the day, there is only so much you can lie down or walk up and down a same single isles on the same train, this is normally when flight attendants insist you do anti DVT exercises, so you don't die on them then sue the airline. A mighty boosh of a Russian lady wearing much Barbie pink who we had not seen before squeezed into the lower berth, she was very glam, she also butted in just as the slagging off of big bottom berther's was getting very animated with a Chris Morris dark side attached, pain makes me cynical.


“Herro, I speak Engrish a little” - From Her......

“Le Grande Faux Pax” - From Us........


She told us they were all Mongolians.....arrrrrrrrhhhh.....penny dropping moment, this made perfect sense, they thought the cabin was a yurt. They were all from the United Business for Mongolian Women, including one man. The party of ten had been to a convention in Hanoi to get Mongolian women back to work and were on their way to the same same thing in Beijing, then they were to catch the one train that runs direct from Beijing to their home town near the Gobi Desert and would we like to visit them soon? Sonia (her name) turned out to be fascinating, she applied more make up and so did the other ladies just in time for bed. I had finished reading my book and glanced down to the Mongolian lady as she removed her under pants, she shook the day from them and hung them up on a hanger to air. I didn't sleep well on the second night as the soft duvet had welded itself into my backside and the bed was now a hard plank of plastic. Stu and the two remaining lovely Mongolians snored in harmony with each other. I risked using the one quater of MP3 battery and listened to random play. I had a definite theme running though my random plays I shall list the random tunes or album titles that played at total random, which please anyone can you explain how this works?

cultivation - 'follow your heart' & 'music to start a cult with' - Gram Rabbit
nothings impossible - Depeche Mode
walk a mile in my shoes - Cold Cut (NEOPOP 6)
suddenly I see - KT Tunstal
empire state human - Human League
rocco - Death In Vegas (Dave Clarke Remix) (If I die where will you be)
no expectations - The Soul Searchers
til kingdom comes - Cold Play.
personal jesus - Johnny Cash

A good time.


all over the world - ELO
bliss - MUSE
dragster wave - Ghinzu. The train did just this....dragged.
turn off - Ian Love ( a very appropriate and funny song trying to go to sleep on hard bench with snoring symphony in back ground)
ran out of battery!

To name but a few subtle messages from my angelic sponsors....get my drift.


The following morning was much the same as the previous morning, the ladies opened the curtains put their two day old freshly aired pants on and boiled more pot noodles at 05.00 that's AM!! I wore industrial ear plugs but it was the intense slurping of soup that woke me, it sounded very much the same to intense snoring, there was no difference. I was near screaming inside my head with it all. So I walked up and down the isles stretching legs, doing hip swings and hung out with the old men 2 cabins away and we all watched the Chinese country side pass us by.


Important items to bring on such a long journey.

1.an understanding of personal space & your boundary levels prepared to be exploited.
2.wet wipes, plenty of

Me and Mrs. M

them.
3.travel soap
4.pot noodles (plenty of them)
5.ear plugs and eye mask
6.3-1 coffee sachets (saved our lives)
7.socks, moon boots.
8.spare clean pants
9.warm sweat top
10.face mask, scalf and mittens for first part of journey
11.good book (Stu read the whole of Harry Potter- Deathly Hallows in one sitting)
12.MP3 - Mobile phone chargers (for Nanning, no electric points on train)
13.3 large bottles of water
14.toilet roll
15.moisture cream
16.note book and pen
17.camera cause funny things can happen
18.sense of bloody humour

China railways got us to 'Beezing' (Beijing) in 43 hours, shaving off a good 7 hours, where it was 89 days from time of landing until the Beijing Olympics start.

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