Lost Souls in a Lost Land

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It has been a week extreme highs and lows. I thought the previous blog might be my last but I think now I'm in for at least two more. The Intl. Women's Day Bike-a-Thon has been quite an experience. Everything that I thought would happen has not and everything I thought would not happen has. The short story is that the bike-a-thon is now a carnival at the university because there are opposition protests scheduled for Saturday and we can't have our students on the street. They are expecting 10 - 20k. We will still be able to accomplish the same things--raising awareness of child sex trafficking and teaching our students to care about those other than themselves. I'll give more details on the entire process once it is behind me but something else is driving this blog.

In my critical thinking class I give an assignment asking students to do a personal reflection on a topic or issue that is currently important to them. It's essentially asking them to use critical thinking to solve a problem present in their life. I want them to practice writing but I also get a chance to glimpse into their lives. Sometimes I get BS topics and sometimes I get to look deeply into the soul of a student and the nation. The students I have are mostly children of Khmer Rouge survivors. The KR destroyed the social and familiar fabric of society. They would have children kill their parents, parents kill their children or people kill a monk. All of these acts are as close to a cardinal sin as there is in Buddhism and they assure they person will go to the hell realm in the afterlife. The KR would perform mass marriages lining up young girls and young boys who had never met one another and then pronounce them married. My students are the offspring of this incredible mess. It's estimated that up to 60 percent of the country suffers from PTSD. Just like addiction, the pain and suffering gets passed down. What we consider the normal impulse to care for your child is not present in many families. Caring was not an expression anyone could afford to have under the KR. Every now and then I get a paper that tragically reveals the painful consequences of this era. As I did with a previous paper, I will copy the exact unedited words of the writer. This particular piece was not divided into paragraphs.

"In the world there are many problems we need to face with in every situation. A person is born to be enjoyed, suffers and tests the taste of life. We can say that it's hard to have luck to be born as a human but it's not like that because life as a human is very hard to live and difficult to control. Here's the story of my life that I would like to share to you. I was born in a good family, not rich and not that poor. We live in a house with four members (Father, Mother, Brother and me). I don't know where to start with my story, but let's talk about my school life in my childhood times. I'm not a good student, but also not that bad either. When I was in grade 5 , I went to an English school and I always got the highest score out of all the students in the class almost every term. But, my family doesn't always take care of me and they never congratulate me even if I got the "Best Student" certificate from school. But I'm not upset because I was born this way, and I knew that they're busy. I'm one of the lonely people on earth since I was a child because I always go somewhere alone without bringing anyone along. I don't know why this happen to me, it's not like I'm bad or something , but I just can't find anyone who will spend time with me and have fun with me all the time, even my brother. I think I was living in the world full of unfairness; I have no one beside me when I'm sad and no one to cuddle with when I was a kid. My family is not sweet; they just take care of their business and don't care about me at all sometime. They never say sweet words to me and they never make me feel that I'm special to be born as their kid. I know that it's a bit silly to think those things and I always compare myself with those who are sadder than me and those who had an unfortunate life, but after all it does not help. I always wanted to change my life since I was a kid, but I don't know if it is worth or not because I'm too lazy. I felt tired to live sometimes, but I don't want to upset my parents that's why I'm trying to live. I have many dreams that I always wanted it to be happened. I want to be a Pilot, bit since I was born in Cambodia, the country full of corruption and fake development. I can't be a pilot in this country because there is no school for that. Another dream is that I want to be an actor, and here's it come again, I can't be an actor because in that field it's not good though in Cambodia. I wish I was born in another country that is better than this. Most of my dream can't be complete because of that silly country. There is a quote says that if we try hard it will work, but believe me it just can't happen. I am currently a sophomore majoring in Hospitality and Tourism. To be honest, it's not my dream to choose this major, but most of the things I like are not available in Cambodia. I don't like studying because it's boring and sometime I just go to school to make my parents feel good. I always want to quit school and start my life and something I like, but I can't because people said that in this 21st century, no matter what, you need to finished bachelor degree to start your own life. I don't know what the good reason to live is and I'm just living because my parents give me life to this cruel world. Sometime, I told myself that I don't care about everything just live a day waiting and see what tomorrow will bring. But it's not work because I keep thinking what my future will be and what will I become when I'm old. This is what I just find out myself, we live for our next generation because all the things we're trying right now is what our kids to be happy and live a good life, we may can't change our life completely, but we can change the life of our next generation. I always think that I should be born in a rich family so that I can follow my dream and do things that I always wanted to do. I know that I'm greedy but I can't help stop thinking about this. Another story of my life is that I have a sense of humor and people that are around me will always laugh and smile, but I'm not a happy people because I'm lonely and I always be sad and bored. My life is just too boring and it's not enjoyable for me. I want to escape somewhere quit and enjoy the moment. I know life has up and down, but I don't know when will my life go up or will it happen in my life or will it never happen? We don't know what it will bring, so why don't we just enjoy every moments of life. Saying is too easy, but practice it to our life is very hard. We can't do as we say. maybe my story is a bit cheesy, but it's the truth of my life. I hope that in the future my life would turn out to be great and I would enjoy living my life. You ask me to list the decision to decide right now as I'm telling you my story above. I wish you could understand my condition. Lastly, I wish everyone could live their life better than me. I'm not unfortunate, but I'm not lucky enough to do things I wanted to do either."

I'm frankly not sure if this is a Holden Caulfield story of teenage angst or if, as I suspect, there is a much deeper national narrative being written in this persons words. It touches my heart deeply as has this "silly country" almost every day. What purpose and meaning will my own life have on the morning I don't wake up in Cambodia? This I wonder.

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