How many motorbike drivers does it take to cross a border?

Today ended my vacation in Viet Nam. I'm back in Kep now, and will be heading back to Phnom Penh in the morning. The journey today to get from point A to point B, which, on a map is only 30 miles apart, was even weirder and longer than on the way there in the first place.

JOURNEY TO KEP: ADVENTURES IN VIETNAMESE TOURISM

5:30 a.m.: Wake up, finish packing and shower
6:30 a.m.: Wait for a ride to the ferry. Mistakenly get into a taxi that is going to the airport; Get out in time to hear the honk of a minibus waiting at the end of the driveway--> take said minibus ALL OVER TOWN to pick up tons of people and get the ferry tickets.
7:45 a.m.: Arrive at the ferry. Get a seat in the front section, even more annoyingly close to the television blaring Vietnamese boy band videos and comedy routines at top volume. Try to drown it out with an ipod; Fail miserably.
8:00-10:30 a.m.: Sleepy time intermingled with loud boy band music
10:30 a.m.: Arrive in Rach Gia. Talk to the first taxi driver you see (BIG MISTAKE). Take him to the bus station for too much money.
10:45 a.m.: Find that at this bus station there are no buses at the time you need. (In hindsight, there might have been buses at the right time at other counters- we only went to one counter). Listen to taxi driver tell Heather INCESSANTLY that she should take his taxi to Can Tho instead of a bus because buses are loud, long, hot, and every other bad thing that will convince her to take his taxi for a ridiculous fee. Get serious attitude from said taxi driver when he realizes that you are not a sucker tourist and will not be taking his taxi anywhere.
11:30 a.m.: After having taken the same taxi to another bus station (MISTAKE #2) you find that it's not really a bus station at all but a place where buses stop haphazardly to pick up randoms. You are now officially one of those randoms and because you are a white female tourist are now being charged 4 or 5 times what you should be paying for a bus ticket. Sigh. Stupid taxi driver. Watch Heather get on a bus (hopefully) to Can Tho. Sit and listen to moto drivers trying to convince you to take their motobikes to the border instead of the bus, once again for a ridiculous fee. Realize that you don't even have enough dong (currency) in your pocket to PAY the ridiculous bus fare, but have enough if you throw in a couple of dollar bills. Hope that this will fly. Also, you've had to pee all morning and you would pee your pants before using the poo-riddled bathroom at this "station".
12:00 p.m.: After unsuccessfully flagging down one bus to Ha Tien, another bus is flagged down. After refusing to give the guy on the side of the road money before the bus actually got there (duh) you find yourself in the back of a local bus to Ha Tien, where you are once again Token. Everyone has a good laugh at your expense since they know you've been swindled into taking the slow bus for far more money than an express bus would cost. Sit in the back of the bus with a jackfruit at your feet and an open door in front of you, threatening to bump you out at every turn in the road. Turn on ipod and try to sleep.
2:00 p.m.: Almost to Ha Tien, your bus stops and a guy gets on saying he'll take you to Cambodia for $10. This is an awesome deal (too good to be true? MISTAKE #3) so you take him up on it. He grabs his friend who doesn't speak English and this friend (we'll call him MOTODRIVER A) drives you to the border. Well...
2:15 p.m.: MOTODRIVER A's tire is flat, so you stop at a random house where you sit while a guy fixes the tire. You don't speak ANY Vietnamese and any attempt to talk to you comes out "WAHWAHWAHWAHWAHAMERICAN?" to which you nod.
2:30 p.m.: Back on the road. You soon stop off and meet MOTODRIVER B. Apparently MOTODRIVER A cannot go all the way to Cambodia because he's Vietnamese. Go figure. You also find at this point that his friend, the English speaking one, told him he said $20 for the trip. No no no, my friend, you explain. MOTODRIVER B says he can take you all the way to Kep, so you agree to pay 10 to the other guy and 10 to him as long as you get all the way to Kep. MOTODRIVER B explains this to A and you set off to a store to change money- did we mention that you have NO dong with you at the moment? Luckily the store is close and the people are nice- you change money and FINALLY get to pee. Relief. MOTODRIVER A gets paid and leaves; MOTODRIVER B says he needs to stop by to help a Norwegian friend translate something. You meet the Norwegian and sit while a couple of older Vietnamese guys attempt to ask you if you are single. MOTODRIVER B reappears and you're back on the road.
3:30-ish: MOTODRIVER B speaks great English and things are going well. You get to the border. After the border guard struggles once again to scan your non-biometric and therefore non-scannable passport, he lets you through. MOTODRIVER B then introduces you to MOTODRIVER C, who will take you the rest of the way. He promises that there will be no more money owed, so you pay him. Luckily he was telling the truth! MOTODRIVER C drives you to the Cambodian side of the border and waits while you get a new visa. POSITIVE NOTE: The visa did not have any extra "fees" that sometimes appear when you walk across a border. Thank you, Cambodian border patrol, for being honest! While at the border you meet the guy who drove you to the border on your way to Viet Nam. He's friends with MOTODRIVER B. Random.
4:00-ish: Finally in Cambodia, MOTODRIVER C is doing well, when he stops to get gas. He gets a call from his friend who is also coming to Kep and asks you if it's OK to wait "ten minutes". You say, sure, why not. Suddenly you are surrounded by adorable Cambodian children practicing their "HELLO" and "WHAT IS YOUR NAME?" You take a ton of pictures of them, which they love and start posing and want more and more pictures.
4:30-5-ish: Finally the friend shows up- it's your old driver from last time that you ran into at the border, with two other foreigners in tow. For some unknown reason, MOTODRIVER C switches you to his bike, who will now be renamed MOTODRIVER D. You explain that you already paid. He doesn't seem to care. OK.
6:00-ish: You take some pictures of your ride into Kep because you are not holding on for dear life like you were on your trip the other direction. You show the other drivers how to get the other foreign couple to their hotel (coincidentally, they were staying at the same hotel we were in Phu Quoc- it really is a small expat/backpacker world here!).
6:15: You arrive to your hotel, safe and sound but covered in dust, sunburned, and tired as hell. You say goodbye to MOTODRIVER D who gives you his number for the next time you're in town. Fair enough. You get to your bungalow and start writing this blog entry.

So, 12 hours later, I have made it to my hotel. This time it took 1 minivan, 1 ferry, 1 horrible taxi, 1 shitty bus, and 4 motodrivers to get me where I needed to be.

Tonight I plan to do nothing but eat at the hotel (did I forget to mention that nowhere in that day was there any eating? Yup, been starving myself all day. Fun times), take a shower, and watch The Wire until I pass out.

TOMORROW: Early bus to Phnom Penh!

P.S. Did I mention that I saw a temperature reading in Rach Gia and that it was 39 degrees? CELSIUS? That's 102.2 degrees Fahrenheit for those keeping score at home. And I wonder why I'm dehydrated and sunburned right now...

---

---