Smuggling Azeri Style

Hello all. Sorry it has been such a long time since my last blog. Life here in the T-bizzle has been hectic, but in a good way.

First off: you’ll be happy to know that the AmCham-US Embassy Independence Day party I coordinated went very well. The whole event took place at what is known here as “Turtle Lake,” and about 1500 of Tbilisi’s finest attended. I ended up being in charge of Pepsi, Nestle, Borjomi Water, FirstAid, and Security—yeah, I definitely know how to throw a shin-dig. Despite my several heart attacks due to trucks breaking down, ice deliveries not being made, and the fireworks guys accidentally exploding themselves, I still managed to have a good time. During the event, one of my friends, British Will, stole Dana and I and rowed us around Turtle Lake.

The weekend after the Independence Day celebration, I took a four day weekend and went to Azerbaijan. When the people tell you that the word “Baku” means “windy”…they’re not goddamn lying! I’ve never been in a windier place. The moment I stepped off the plane, my skirt flew up for a Marilyn Monroe moment and I flashed Azerbaijan my panties as a hello. From there on out, I tried to wear only pants.

Dana, Paul and I went with our new friends Noah and Andrea. Noah works for a company that is trying to provide the Caucasus with wireless internet service, and Andrea, his wife, has recently moved here to help him. They are in the lucky circumstance of having an apartment in Tbilisi as well as in Baku. Their apartment in Baku is so pimp, we dubbed it the “Azeri Disco Palace.”

Azerbaijan is a completely different world than Georgia. It has a much more Eastern feel, and the people are much more middle-eastern looking. There’s also a lot more money due to all the oil reserves, so things were quite expensive.

Almost everywhere you go you see billboards and statues of Heydar Aliyev. Heydar Aliyev ruled Azerbaijan from the 1970s to 2003 when he had a heartattack on live television. He’s still weirdly worshipped, and I quickly was told that you’re not supposed to take pictures of his face…so, of course I took as many as possible.

Because things are the way they are in Azerbaijan, Noah’s company has an Azeri “fixer” that is in charge of making all things go a little smoother…if you catch my drift. His name is Ilham, and he was in charge of picking us up at the airport and driving us around.

On the first day, he took us to a Baku suburb called Suraxani which is a pretty nasty and poverty ridden place. But there we got to see the Zoroastrian Atesgah Fire Temple! The temple is built on a natural gas vent and has been worshipped by fire worshippers since the 6th century. Around the temple is a museum showing all the weird self-mutilating practices of zoroastrians…and yup, they actually depict these things on life size wax figures.

Afterwards, we were all so tired from our travels that we went home for a nice and relaxing evening. But first we went to dinner where we got to witness the most bizarre karaoke singing ever. The singers mostly sang Billy Joel songs—one was uncannily good and for a moment I actually thought it was Billy Joel! But alas, it was just a Billy Joel look-a-like. Then the owner of the restaurant celebrated our arrival to Azerbaijan by buying us a bottle of his most expensive wine—I don’t think they’ve had many tourists stop by before because he seemed way too excited about us being there.

The next day, Ilham took us on a drive to the Caspian Sea. Just driving around was exciting enough. I actually got to see Azeris skinning a goat on the side of the road! Also, we stopped to watch Azeri’s collect salt at a Salt lake. You can’t really tell from the picture, but the light is reflected in the lake so that it looks red!

Then we went to the Caspian and watched kids swim in the no swimming area. I know from the picture that it looks like paradise…but considering how black toxic goo seeps out of the ground and how every bit of land is covered in rusted oil rigs, I highly suggest not taking a pleasure swim in the Caspian. The place is seriously one big ecological disaster…yet somehow this adds to its charm, so long as you’re not an environmentalist.

Once it got dark enough, Ilham took us to Fire Mountain or Yanar Dag, which is in actual mountain that has been on fire since the 1950s. Not lying, natural gas seeps out of the mountain and keeps the flames alight!

On the third day, Ilham took us to Qobustan which is about a days trip away from Baku. The Azeri countryside is remarkably bleak and oil rig covered…but somehow beautiful. The beauty was somewhat enhanced by the chance to see it from an airconditioned car complete with its own driver! I can’t imagine what it must be like for tourists without such luxuries… Actually, I can. It would be very hot, dusty, and stinky. But I digress.

At Qobustan we got to see ancient petroglyphs of ancient man with bow, ancient woman with no arms, bulls, horses, boats, etc… Honestly, I always thought getting the chance to see ancient cave drawings would be very exciting…but somehow it wasn’t. For some reason, the most exciting part was the Roman graffiti which was etched onto a stone. It is the easternmost Roman inscription ever discovered and was probably left by some bored footsoldiers from the 12th Legion who were on a reconnaissance mission from Syria…at least that’s what the guide book says.

After the petroglyphs we went and saw mud volcanoes which were by far the most bizarre things ever. They are on top of a very, very, very steep hill (I know personally because I walked up it!) in the middle of quite literally no where (I have no idea how anybody ever found them) and they just sit up there doing there mud volcano thing which is basically to ooze and spit mud while making farting noises. I was shocked to discover that the mud is cold. For some reason I thought it would be hot, but actually it was quite cool and refreshing. Dana loved it when I attacked her and rubbed it on her face!

On the fourth day we decided to stay in Baku and see the city. We went to a remarkably disappointing Sultan’s palace. We rode the funicular to the top of the city then walked down. We saw the monument for soldiers killed in Nagorno-Karabakh. Witnessed some guys washing their feet outside of a mosque. Saw the maiden’s tower which is probably the most notorious tourist sight in Baku—the story goes that a rich man was so in love with his daughter that he asked her to marry him. She wanted to be dutiful to her father, but also didn’t want to partake in inbreeding. So she told her father that she would marry him after he built her a tower. So he did…and then she threw herself off of it. And then we went ate at an Applebees (or at least a restaurant that was very much like an Applebees).

On the last day we only had a few hours so Paul and I decided that we needed some good Azeri caviar to bring back with us to Tbilisi. Ilham took us to a genuine Azeri bazaar—not the kind for tourists, but the kind where you can buy your dried fruit next to axel grease stored in recycled Fanta bottles. The buying of the caviar was very much like a drug deal complete with our caviar dealer offering us fish eggs on an old, rusty knife so we could make sure we were getting “the good stuff.” We got jars of beluga for 15 bucks—it costs $850 in the states! We had a bit of a problem at the airport getting the caviar out. It wasn’t that we were doing anything illegal, but the customs guards are notoriously corrupt and try to shake down tourists for bribes. But we managed to extricate ourselves from the situation without having to pay anything thanks to Noah’s quick thinking. And thus ended our trip to Azerbaijan.

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