Published: July 11th 2010
July 10th 2010
not actual size
Israel placed the final box down in the corner and mopped his brow
''Finished master'' he announced letting out a tired sigh.
God stood in the storeroom and nodded assessing all of the boxes stacked in neat tidy piles, work that only a strict,orderly housewife could achieve.He was satisfied.
''Take this,youve earnt it'' he said to Israel, tossing him a box containing the dead sea.Outside he could hear the restless shuffling,occasional shouts and incessant chatter of his pupils.Today was an important day for all outside.God smiled to himself and leaned back against a box of mountains.In a few minutes he would open the storeroom hatch and hand out geography to his countries.He lit a cigarette ''I'll open in a while'' he mused,always one for a bit of drama.
Meanwhile,outside the crowd were growing restless.China and America were pushing and shoving at the front of the cue while Russia stood behind bleary eyed and unshaven wondering why he couldn't just take his lions share and hand out the rest equally.
Around the corner sat two figures on milk crates.The larger one Kazakhstan smoked a cigarette while the smaller,Belgium tucked into some food.
''Wanna chip'' Belgium offered
''Sure ,why not'' the big man replied '' whats this funny sauce''
''Of course ,try some''
Kazakhstan looked dubious but dipped a french fry anyway.
''Mmmm actually thats quite good'' he announced
'' I hear that alot'' Belgium replied happily.''What do you guys eat?''
''Horse cock''Kazakhstan said ''wanna try some''
'' Umm no ta'' Belgium said quickly as Kazakhstan reached into a large pocket.
''Suit yourself'' he said and then sighed. ''What a waste of time all this nonsense is'' he made a sweeping gesture with his hand to the cue of countries milling about the courtyard.
''What do I want with geography,bloody mountains and rivers,bah!''he snorted
''I agree,my large friend,let them have their fun,all I hear from my neighbour is how hes going to 'make the place look nice' with a few canals''Belgium shook his head.
''Take my cousin,Afghanistan'' the big man said smiling''hes not here yet,spoke to him last night.All he wants is a cave to sit in,keep the sun from blinding his good eye.Respect to the bloke,not like these greedy bastards''he waved a hand again at the assembly.
The hatch opened and the melee ensued.Ducking under the legs of the still arguing China and America ran the two tiny figures of Nepal and Kyrgyzstan.As quickly as God placed the boxes they picked them up.Armfuls of glaciers,mountains,rivers and forests were soon in their possession as they quickly made their escape.France,Spain and Italy grabbed beaches and hair products and walked away happy,looking down upon Britain and Ireland as the two drunks fought over a box of drizzle.
Germany stood in speedo's with his hands on hips ,whistle in mouth screaming ''ORDNUNG ,ORDNUNG!!'' but no one was listening.Jamaica only wanted a palm tree to sit under,Chad hung back for a bucket of sand while little Japan craned his neck for a cherry tree.It was chaos!
As Kyrgyzstan rounded the corner his older brother stopped him.
''Give us a box bruv'' he said flicking a cigarette to the ground
''But"........his younger sibling began
'BOX!!' he demanded.
Reluctantly he handed over a box of mountains.
''And what about my friend''Kazakhstan said pointing a large finger at Belgium.
''On you go little fellow''Belgium said with a wave''What would I do with a mountain!''
''Suit yourself!'' Kazakhstan said as Kyrgyzstan scuttled off around the corner ''I'll probably just throw the box in the corner when I get home anyway''
And so it came to pass,when Kazakhstan got home from his pub crawl the box was thrown into the corner where it split open,spilling all the mountains and rivers onto the floor where they still lie to this very day.
An extract of The world according to Mudyshox(a true story)
Its amazing the bullshit you think about in the desert