Dun dun dun....

I've had to admit the unthinkable to myself.

It turns out I actually don’t like it here. I'm not sure if it is just Swaziland that I dislike, or working at the Ministry of Education. It isn’t the actual work that I dislike, I plan to continue working with Fundza even once I am no longer going into the office. I'll know whether it is culture shock if I end up working the Cabrini Mission (I won’t know until they call me back), and am still having the same adjustment problems. But it has been very difficult for me to admit that to myself. I have difficulty in believing that there is somewhere in the world that is different and unique and foreign that I wouldn't love. But as it turns out: I'm bloody miserable right now. Soon I will be able to see whether it is the country, or just the current conditions of me being here. I know that my inability to use Skype is contributing to some things--but there is definitely an underlying problem.

I suppose my main problem is that I came to Swaziland to actively work within the communities. I was lead to believe that through Fundza I would be working directly teachers, students, parents, and communities. But instead I am stuck in an office on the fifth floor of the Ministry of Education, in front of a computer, with one co-worker/boss. And Nonkululeko is delightful. It's everything else that is driving me up the wall.
Aside from the issues mentioned in the previous entry, I was also struggling with whether I was being too flighty. Just because I don’t like it there, it doesn't mean I shouldn't continue working there, right? I made a commitment! But then I realized... I work for $193 dollars a month. This is not, in fact, a real job, or something that I see leading to a future profession. It is not what I was lead to believe it would be. ...I can be as fucking flighty as I want with this. I told them I would work until October, but my plans have changed. And it is not as though I'm going to be completely ditching them. I can do what I do for them as long as I have a laptop and occasional internet access. And coordinating through emails will give Nonkululeko time to find the documents I need to actual write the grants.

And if the Cabrini thing doesn't come through, I will go on with my earlier plan: travel around Africa. I will stay here until September, and go to Mozambique and South Africa with some people/friends from the Embassy. I will find the countries I want to go to, find a relatively inexpensive way to travel around for a few weeks... Ghana, Egypt, possibly Tunisia, swing by Israel to visit Sarah (this is all pending the Visa situation in these places), and come home.

I will not have felt as though I wasted a trip, and I will still be helping Fundza even once I get back to the U.S. The jobs search will intensify (there is only so much I can do on USAjobs.com when my internet access is not reliable), and life will go on. And some day, as John and I talked about, I (or we) will return to Africa, or whichever region of the world my interests lead me to.

I know I need to be back in the U.S. sooner than a year. Possibly sooner than December, depending on how badly Cabrini needs me, and for how long. I want to be with my family when they need me (and not because I feel like I need to do what other people want me to do). And I want to be there for one of my best friends who may or may not need me right now. Being here, I've realized once again what amazing friends I have (I've always known you guys were awesome, but it is nice to be reminded from time to time). I've been trying to deal with myself and my issues for the past month, and damn, it is exhausting. How do you guys deal with it? ;P

I also miss John, and though it is one of the factors in my return, it is not the main one, or the deciding one, which I think is quite healthy. Besides, John has some of his own issues that he needs to work through on his own, so being away right now is probably a good thing for his own development.

Yeah, so it is amazing what a 25-minute phone call with my mom, a 25-minute call with John, and two hours of meditation can achieve.

Less dramatic and less heavy stuff next time. There shall hopefully be some interesting stories to share.

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