Tofu, Mozambique… not Tofu the food

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So when I left off we were on our slightly delayed plane from Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe back to Johannesburg, South Africa.

Mike had booked our flights together and was assured by the woman at South African Airlines that I would get a gluten-free meal. Well… the flight was actually run by SA link, and when the cute blonde airline hostess came through to offer chicken or vegetarian, Mike said chicken for me, and gluten free for her. She started to protest and Mike interrupted to say that he was assured that I would get a gluten free meal. I received no gluten free meal – mike ate mine instead.

There were a group of Asians sitting behind us, and when the lady would offer chicken or vegetarian, they clearly couldn’t understand her. So… she yelled the options at them, because obviously when you speak louder, people who don’t speak English can understand you better. It was so freaking hilarious neither of us could stop laughing. Even as I write this… I am getting the giggles just thinking about it. It would be silent for a second and then she would yell “CHICKEN!” and then I would start laughing all over again. Seriously compensated for my lack of meal.

We got off the plane and back to the car at Dove’s Nest (they let me keep the car there for free!). We were off by 4:30 and started driving for the border. Our plan was to stop in Nelspruit because I knew I could get food at the amazing Super Spar there, but by the time we stopped for gas I knew we wouldn’t make it (grocery stores close at like 7 pm here). So after not eating lunch I had half a bag of Doritos (gluten free of course) for dinner.

We arrived in Komatiport at 9:30 after I let Mike drive the last few hours (insert multiple mini panic-attacks). There was no food I could eat there so I went to bed early.

Crossing the Border to Mozambique (aka Mike’s fourth African country in 2 weeks)

Mike got me up at 5 am, and by 5:30 we were gassed up and ready to hit the manic border to Mozambique. We got through the South African side fine, but then I had to register the car on the Mozam side and Mike had to get a visa. They have jacked the prices and Mike had to wait 30 minutes for some moron to figure out how to take his photo so he could pay $85 for a visa. Sadly, that is what I paid for a 6-month multiple-entry visa back in October.

By this stage I was quite hangry (angry because I am hungry). By the time I had driven another 5 hours and stopped for gas/food and all I could get was some more Doritos I was miserable. Mike didn’t understand why I was being mean to him when he had done nothing wrong (fair point) and by the time we got to Inhambe (the closest town to Tofu) I was in serious pain with a killer migraine, was dehydrated, and hungry. His bank card wouldn’t work so after driving around for an hour trying every ATM we saw, I offered to be his sugar mama and just get to Tofu.

We arrived at Fatima’s (the cheap backpackers) to find the place filled with people. When I tried to register she told me that the overpriced bungalow I requested was full and I had asked to be moved to the fixed tent. I assured the girl that I had been without internet access for a week in Botswana and in no way did I request a fixed tent. We met other people who said the dorms/bungalows were terrible because there was a music festival going on and the base was so loud it felt like you were on the dance floor.

I had another breakdown and fought back tears. All I wanted to do was lay down. We took the stupid tent and left our valuables in the car. I had a nap and mike checked out the beach. He reported back the surf looked terrible. So far both of us were not thinking Tofu was worth the 15 hour drive from Jo’berg.

That night we went for dinner with some Swedes and I took advantage of the all-you-can-eat prawn option. I felt I deserved it after not eating real food for the last day and a half. 3 plates later I was ready to go to bed.

We got no sleep in our fixed tent that night (a crap army tent with holes in it, and mosquito nets with holes in it, with two individual mattresses raised above the floor). Um.. fyi Tofu is a malaria zone. Mike had me up by 5 am – he was pissed because the music was still pounding and there was no one on the dance floor, and the surf still looked shit.

Finding a new home – from one tent to another

We drove up to Turtle Cove and met someone who would change our tofu experience. Emma is from England and for some reason she already up at 7 am. As Mike was pouting that the surf was shit, she got the hot little resident Aussie surf boy to take care of him, and convinced me to go to yoga at 7:30 am. We begged her to let us move there – we had a tent and all. She said if you come you have to chill out a bit!

When I got out of yoga Mike was happy and had eaten (I had not). I slammed a juice and a banana and the next 2 hours involved going back to crappy Fatimas, cancelling the next few nights, getting our money back, moving our crap to Turtle Cove, setting up the tent, and getting ready for an “ocean safari” snorkel adventure with whale sharks.

No one tells you it is the season to NOT see whale sharks. We were stuck with a 15 person family circus involving lots of kids. We got on the boat, made it past the break waves and stopped so everyone could put on their gear. Um – so started to not feel good. The guy told me to stand at the back as we patrolled back and forth looking for whale sharks. Mike spotted dolphins and jumped in. As the family members got their gear on I was at the back of the boat barfing up banana. But don’t worry – Mike had 3 dolphins swimming around him.

The next 2 hours were hell. I held on to the edge and occasionally dry-heaved over the side. Mike gave me about 5 minutes of sympathy and pushed me to the front to get away from the gas smell (after regailing me of stories of the dolphins swimming so close to him he was sure he could have grabbed the fin and rode it like flipper).

If I had a gun… I would have shot myself. When we finally made it to the beach the captain had to lift me off the boat. I could barely stand – mike had to pull my rash guard off me. Then Laura (Clinton foundation) ran up to me – she was about to go for a dive. I burst into tears and said I needed a hug.

Made plans to meet her and Allison and Marina (tiny Brazilian) and her boyfriend Bart (enormous Dutch boy visiting from England) for a pig roast at our place later. Mike went surfing that afternoon and I had a lay down, occasionally putting a bite of yogurt or fruit in my mouth, and then laying down again.

Happy New Year… sort of

After an uber-tasty pig roast, I was bagged by 9:30 – the seasickness had drained me. Marina told me to go lay down and they would wake me up before midnight. I vaguely remember Mike coming in the tent – drunk and angry with me – saying that it was New Years – what was I doing in the tent. I then remember fireworks noises, but it wasn’t til later when I really woke up and looked around. It was 1 am… we had missed new years.

I woke up Mike who was mad and said we’re going out. So we got up and walked down to find thousands of Mozambicans having a beach party over every inch of sand. We danced to a free DJ on the beach, and Mike tested some street meat and local beers. We redeemed ourselves by making it to 4 am.

When we put up our tent we kind of invaded the space of a couple – thankfully she was from Saskatoon, and he was an American from Louisiana who loves Canada. Laurie and Ben were awesome, as were a couple of Japanese peeps volunteering in Zambia, and David from Portugal who lives in Maputo. Together they started a little surfer gang that was quite entertaining to watch over the next couple of days.

I spent a lot of time with Marina and Bart, and on New Year’s day there was another small party happening on the beach. There was a Mozambican girl dancing in a teeny white Brazilian bikini. Ya – she alternated from dancing on a cooler box to dancing around a pole that was holding up some lights. Any guy that came up to dance with her was dismissed – but she loved putting on the show – rubbing her ass on the pole – or jumping up and trying to slide down the wood pole ( I kept thinking she was going to get a splinter in her vagina!)

So I dared Mike to try to dance with her. He didn’t even give her a chance to dismiss him, he was ripping around the pole in seconds. She went to town, grinding up against him – much to the entertainment of the local crowd. So funny – the whole party stopped so that all the Mozambicans could take pictures of mike pole-dancing with the girl in the white bikini.

People started departing over the next few days so the less people there were in Tofu – the better. Mike enjoyed the surf and I enjoyed just sitting there doing nothing. I didn’t even touch one of the 4 books I had planned to read. It had finally become a real vacation. Our last beach day involved chilling on a private beach with no one around. I decided I like Tofu after all.

We got up early and were on the road by 5:30. Drive was uneventful – hot, slow, long. I was feeling good about myself until we took the turnoff from Maputo for the home stretch back to Swaz and I got pulled over by a police trap. I did my best attempt in Spanish to talk him out of it, or make it cheaper, but he charged me $35 for crossing the dotted line before I was allowed to when coming off the overpass. I had no choice. They take your license, and if you don’t pay them – they keep your licence and you have to go to some random cop shop in Maputo and pay – then bring back a receipt to get your card back.

Totally pissed me off – Mike did his best to calm me down - but all I wanted to do was get back to Swaziland and then I would feel better. Sort of a random feeling… scary this messed up place feels like home to me. At least here there is one price for a ticket - $10 no matter what you do or how fast you go.

So there you go – three weeks later and that is my random New Year’s in Tofu Mozambique. Hope you all had a good one – more fun Swazi adventures to catch up on soon.

Ciao

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Comments

[Michael]

Fing Hilarious
Funniest blog by far. Tofu was awesome... where did you get these pics from? Did Laurie and Ben send you some? I do not have the surf pic of the 3 of us.. I will delete that photo. sorry hun i just uploaded mozambique. not a flattering photo of either of us.