Down on Our Luxor

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Two blogs in 6 days? You may be asking yourself, "what amazing adventures could they possibly be doing that warrant such promptness? Also shouldn't i put on some pants?" The fact is, I'm sitting inside an internet cafe, writing a blog is because here I am safe. I don't have to go out there. Into the wild. Into Egypt.

We took a short flight (9 hours is short for us) into Jo-Burg to Cairo and landed early morning, thus exchanging our internal soundtracks officially from The Lion King to Aladdin. We immediately set about catching a cab to the bus station so we could trek across the dessert to the beautiful Red Sea paradise of Dahab. It's supposed to be one of the most spectacular beach locations on the planet and was the center of our travel plans in Egypt. (You'll notice the caveat "supposed.") So we got in our taxi and got dumped off at what we our cab driver said was our bus station, only to realize that he had left us at a bus stop, not a station. We were nowhere near where we needed to be, which of course attracted a sea of probing locals. They said to themselves, "Hey, they look terrified. Why don't i go accost them? And shouldn't I put on some pants?" We were so overwhelmed and upon realizing that we were not going to buy any tickets that day, we hailed the next cab to anywhere. No problem, we'll find the station on our own. After dropping off our bags at a hotel, we spent 3 hours trying to find the bus station. No one could tell us where it is. There is a specially designated tourist policeman on every block, none of whom could give us cogent directions. We got directions leading in completely opposite directions from consecutive cops. Remember, this is the main bus station in the biggest city in Africa. It should be a no-brainer. It became apparent that we were not going to find this place. So eventually, we said "ah, fiddlestix" (we used a different word) and decided to reverse our plans, heading to Luxor first, then Dahab. Change of plans no big deal. Only the train the Luxor was full, i should say the trains, all of them for the next 3 days were all full. Finally we asked the attendant, "where can we go?" Aswan, what's in Aswan, well it's not Cairo so it's good enough for me. Sadly, due to time constraints we had to replace Dahab with Aswan. Which is like trading a BMW M3 for a sad little mule named Maurice with a gimp foreleg and a flatulence problem.

We went to the pyramids, last remnant of the ancient wonders of the world. Maybe they should have gone 2pac and disappeared while they were on top. The whole experience is a nonstop assault of greasy commercialism and greed. We got scammed by an apparently nice old man who offered to show us the way only to lead us to his buddies shop where they tried viciously into buying all sorts of useless items, lest we offend our hosts. The guy who lied to our faces and dragged us into an trap is worried about us upsetting him. We toured the Giza site for about a half hour before the obnoxiousness of the crowds became too much. So we settled back from the pack to get a peaceful, quiet panorama view of the grounds. At Pizza Hut. I'll repeat, the single best view one can get of the Pyramids of Giza can be found at Pizza Hut. Never has the milk suckled from the corporate teet tasted so sweet.

A 15-hour overnight train later, we hit Aswan looking for a worthwhile time in Egypt like a couple of rats scrambling to up the gangplanks of a sinking ship. Merely delaying our inevitable despair, we did manage to see one of the great temples in all of Egypt at Abu Symbal. It was quite cool, but was it worth the 18 hours of uncomfortable travel, wake up call at 3 am, oppressive heat, pounding hunger, and disgusting accommodations that it took us to get there? Is the Pope an atheist?

The problem we've had with Egypt is that it's impossible to do anything without inciting a vicious assault of salesmen, taxi drivers, restaurateurs and scam artists. A mere walk down the street becomes a bombardment. Pushy salesmen are one thing, we can handle that. But these guys cross the line. It's the worst for Jenny, she can't go a single block without having some random stranger tell her that she has "great breasts," and a "nice bum." Jenny has spent the last decade or so with these features and my grabby hands do enough to make her well aware of their magnificence. She certainly does not need to have these facts shouted at her across the road. (However, on the walk over to the net cafe just now Jenny did get offered the gift of a mule AND wagon in exchange for something in Arabic. We didn't have a phrasebook, but we can make our assumptions. Also one guy called me Rambo. You can't help but be flattered.) There is just a level of deceit that is impossible to penetrate. Simple things became a massive hassle. You can't just buy something at the store. Ask the price of a bottle of water and they'll quote at at least 5 times what it's supposed to cost, so you have to argue for twenty minutes. By the end, you are so parched from screaming at them that you need to buy a second bottle. Case in point. We hired a felucca captain for an hour. They're these small little traditional boats that you can rent for a leisurely ride up and down the Nile. Our guy hopped us in the boat, rowed to the middle of the river, dropped his oars and told us there was no wind and there hadn't been for days and he was tired of rowing. This incited a vicious shouting match when he tried to get his full asking price after we docked. Egypt is supposed to be really cheap, but you end up getting scammed out of so much, you almost have to double your budget for deception. (A disclaimer. I am in no way vilifying all Egyptian people. The small snapshot we've gotten is by far the most atrociously touristy area of the country. To judge the entire Egyptian population based on what we saw would be like judging the Sphinx or Owen Wilson solely on their noses. I'm merely attacking the traveling infrastructure. I'm sure the average Egyptian is a wonderfully decent, with incredible hospitality and infinite stories to tell. I'm just not sure where to find them.)

We're just exhausted now and can't wait to get out. We've got one more day in Luxor. Which we'll spend at the Mcembassy. Then it's back to Cairo for one night and an eventual flight to the glory that is Europe and the first world. We can't wait to just walk down the street and just be another pair of average, ordinary, no reason to stand out citizens with great bums.

P.S. does anyone out there own a flat in Paris? 100 dollars for a dorm bed? Looks like i need to practice my old street magic routine.

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